Friday, October 28, 2011

October 28th, 2011

Ellersley Grace Deem, this was the day that the doctors on this Earth said you would arrive. Boy, were they wrong. God had a different day for you sweet Elle, a day we will never forget. A day that started like any other day but ended like none we've ever known. A day that began with a big round beautiful belly and ended with a beautiful baby girl. Was Jesus whispering to you baby girl? Was he calling your name? The name that he gave you. Did you know that you would be leaving us? Did you know that was the plan all along? Did you know that August would hold your birthday, not October? We had so many plans for you...we had parenting classes to attend and a tour of the hospital and labor classes. We had to finish your room and get it ready for you. We had to pack the bag for our hospital stay and put your carseat in the car. We had a dinner date with Daddy for his birthday. We had birthday parties to go to for your cousins. We had Thanksgiving, showing off your beautiful face and your dress and your headband and bow. We had a family Christmas picture and spending the night at Grandpa and Grandma's on Christmas Eve. We had Aunt Gib and Uncle Rob's wedding. We had so many plans. Proverbs 16:1 We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer. God had his own set of plans. He has plans to love us and to love you. He plans to never leave us or forsake us. He plans to prosper us and to give us and you eternal life. He plans to wipe all of our tears away and he plans to make all things new. His plans never fail, his promises are true forever. We had our plans and He had his. We thank Him for His plans. He allowed us the priviledge of loving you here for 7 months 1 week and 1 day. We loved you well. We talked to you, we read to you, we laughed because of you, we sang to you, we told you about Jesus, we felt you move, we fed you, we kept you safe, we kept you healthy and we told you, everyday, how much we loved you. We told you how our lives would be forever changed because of you and they are. You are our baby Honu, we loved you then and we love you now. Nothing will ever change that plan. Nothing. Hearts broke when your heart stopped beating, I don't know that ours will ever stop bleeding...

Sweet dreams sweet Honu.

We love you so very very much much much punkin head,

Mommy and Daddy

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ellersley Grace IV

We were 9 weeks and we decided it was time to tell our church family. We were so excited to let them in on our secret because they had been joining with us in asking God for a miracle. We knew they were going to be so elated. We decided to put the ultrasound picture up on the screen for the whole church to see. Wesley was going to give a testimony about an amazing healing God had performed in Hawaii. That is a completely different blog post but long story short God healed him from Celiac's disease, woohooo! So after talking about the healing he said "OH and we have a picture from vacation to show everyone." Up came the ultrasound photo and there were some audible gasps. "That's their baby!" someone said. Wes said "This is our baby...we are 9 weeks pregnant!" They were so happy, we were crying, they were laughing and crying. JOY...always that JOY! : ) Baby Honu was just spreading the love and the joy everywhere she went.

So the pregnancy moved along and with each week we grew more and more in love with our baby Honu. We moved through the first trimester with no issues at all, no bleeding, no morning sickness, no pain. There was nausea, of course, but that was cleared up quickly with some Jimmy John's pickles or Doritos or milk. The belly started to pop rather early, much to my dismay. It was weird, I always thought I would love it right away but I was not very fond of it for a while. It was popping so early, it seemed like to me. Looking back at the weekly belly photos, I popped, for real, at about 10 weeks...that's insanity! :) Eventually, I LOVED it. The belly has been another thing that I miss the MOST. I loved being pregnant, I loved knowing that she was in there and that I was taking care of her, I loved talking to her and reading to her, I loved it when Wesley talked to her and kissed her. I just loved it, loved it, loved it. Our families did too. My sister had a special song for her every time she saw her and I. "I love you little baby..." I can't remember all the words but I loved it and baby Honu loved it, of course. She got down right to my belly and sang it to her, someone told her once that the baby was still too little to hear anything. Rachel was in disbelief..."YES SHE CAN HEAR ME..." Of course she could. My nephews, Carter and Kyle, loved her more than anything. Every time they saw me they screamed, "Baby Honu...oh she's getting big!" Carter, the now 5 year old, would pull up my shirt and kiss my belly and hug it. Kyle, the 3 year old, loved to talk about her and if she was a boy or a girl. He always knew she was a girl. Baby Honu was very loved!

We made it into the 2nd trimester, no problems at all. Perfect weight, perfect measuring, perfect blood pressure. I was perfect and baby Honu was perfect, just what we wanted to hear. During the entire pregnancy my husband was completely perfect also. He packed my lunch every morning before work and he gave kisses to baby Honu and I every morning before we left. He sang to her and played guitar for her and read a lot of books to her. He always asked how I was doing and how she was doing and if we needed anything. He was always willing to do whatever I needed, I couldn't have asked for a better man. He did have some trouble with pickles in the beginning but Aunt Rachel came to the rescue with the Jimmy John's perfect pickles. : ) He was a great Daddy from before she was ever even conceived and I know he will raise a baby wonderfully on this Earth, with Jesus's help, someday.

When I started to feel her move around in there, I was just more in love than I ever thought possible. It was amazing...and totally WEIRD! It was May 28th and I was at home laying in bed. It felt like a caterpillar was crawling or moving around in my belly. That is the only way to describe it, which is totally not a good way to describe it but it's all I've got. I remember feeling it and immediately texting my family and calling Wesley at work. :) I was so excited and full of that JOY, it could not be contained. I started to feel her almost every morning and then always after lunch. She loved to eat, just like her Daddy. : ) The moving turned from a caterpillar movement to a butterfly and then to the rolling. I was not a huge fan of the rolling. I loved it, of course because it was her, but it felt like she was doing somersaults in there. I hate roller coasters and that is what it felt like, like when your stomach drops out on a roller coaster. Yes, that's what it was like. The greatest feeling I've had on this side of heaven.

June came and with it came some serious excitement. We were having our 20 week ultrasound on June 15th and that meant we were going to know whether her room would be covered in pink or covered in blue. Oh, were we pumped! We had decided a while before this day came that we were going to do the gender cake and have a gender reveal party. We sent invites to our families and closest friends: Baby Honu's Big Reveal, Father's Day Sunday at 5pm. : ) We planned to go to the ultrasound and not find out the sex of the baby. The technician would put the gender in an envelope and we would cautiously and carefully take the envelope to a dear friend of mine who would make the cake for us. She, needless to say, was in awe that she would be the first to know even before us. Wesley had June 15th off and I had taken a vacation day, I would've been way too excited to work. We decided to make a day of it; we went to the park with my mom, sister, her boyfriend (Rob), my sister-in-law Heather and our nephews. We walked and talked and the boys ran and laughed. We had a blast and then we went to lunch together. The ultrasound was at 2:30 and I had to drink loads of water at lunch and try not to pee. Peeing, by this point, was about an hourly occurrence so this was a huge deal. I had to go during lunch and after and all the way to the doctor's but needless to say I survived. We walked around downtown after lunch, it was a beautiful day. We were just basking in the glory of our Jesus and all his blessings on our life. We could not believe what we were about to do, the whole pregnancy was one surreal moment after another. Wesley and I will always remember this day, it was and still is so special to us. We remember walking thru downtown and Heather and Kyle were walking hand in hand behind us. We were talking to each other and I heard our precious little Kyle start to chant...Honu Honu Honu...he and his mama were having a blast talking about Honu and reveling in the Joy of her. That memory will be etched on our hearts and minds forever....Honu Honu Honu... : )

We got to the doctor's office and we had a posse for sure, my parents, Wesley's dad (his mom was on vacation), Rob and Rachel, Heather and the boys and Wesley and I, of course. We were all smiling from ear to ear, what a fun day! The technician started and we saw our little Honu's face. She had her hand right up by her ear...oh so sweet. I was crying and just smiling away. She showed us her head and her arms and her heart and her belly. She had her hands in a fist the whole time, right up close to her face. She looked like the sweetest, most precious baby we had ever seen. She was our miracle. We told the technician before she began what our plan was. She said she would try her hardest to make sure none of us would see what we weren't supposed to see. After showing us the belly she said, "OK now everyone turn around or close your eyes because we are getting close to that area". We all giggled and closed our eyes. Once away from 'the area' she showed us her legs and her cute little feet. We loved every second of it. She asked us to close our eyes again and we all obliged as she tried to make sure she was positive about baby Honu's gender. She said that baby Honu was turned with her back to us and she wasn't 100% sure, so she told me to get up and go pee and see if she would move. I was elated because the shoving and pushing on my belly was getting to my bladder. When I came back she had turned around and the technician said she was 100% sure of what our baby was. She left and then returned with the envelope revealing what God already knew.

We decided to give my friend the cake baker, Erica, the envelope on Friday afternoon. We worked together Monday-Friday and I knew if we gave it to her any earlier and she saw me, her face would reveal the answer. She had been soooo hoping for a baby girl and I just knew if she had even a hint of excitement in her voice or on her face, I would know. She was sworn to secrecy also...Wes would have killed her if she told anyone else. Wes came to work with the envelope on Friday afternoon, before he went to work, and we both gave Erica the envelope together. She was required, by Wes, to put the envelope in her car and at the end of the work day she could open it. Wes, he had a lot of rules. She told me after all was revealed that she was screaming and laughing by herself in her car, she said if anyone saw her they probably thought she was insane. JOY...always JOY.

So from Wednesday to Sunday we were all just one anxious ball of excitement. Is it a girl? Is it a boy? Am I huge? Am I shaped like a basketball? Am I carrying low? Am I carrying high? The heartbeat was in the 150's so, girl? We had no idea. God knew, before we ever conceived, the desire of our heart. We knew not to get our hopes up because whatever God wanted to give we wanted to love. It wouldn't have mattered at all. A little girl though was just what our hearts had been yearning for. Wesley wanted to know what the Daddy/daughter love was all about. He grew up in a house with 2 other brothers, no sisters. He had no idea what it was all about. He had been watching Father of the Bride and would cry every time by the end. God was growing a deep love for a special little lady in his heart. I am so thankful for that. Did I mention I have the sweetest husband ever? Don't tell him I told you that Father of the Bride thing... he's got to keep his macho exterior. I was in LOVE with the idea of a little girl. I am a pink-loving girl at heart. I love headbands, I love bows, I love dresses, I love flowers, I love pink walls (hot pink to be exact), I love tutus, LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. I am that mom...I had a dream while pregnant with Elle that we forgot to put a headband on her and I was MORTIFIED. It was the first time we were bringing her to church and Wesley's dad had her up in front of the entire congregation. Wesley's dad is the pastor of our church, by the way. Anyway, he had her up front and I was sitting in the congregation with my family. I am seeing this in front of me and I realize in that moment that she is wearing a sweat suit and does not have anything in her hair. I was horrified...oh I would have loved to have been that mommy. Needless to say, we wanted a girl with all of our heart and our Jesus blessed us, again, with the very desire of our heart.

Father's day came and we went to church and went to lunch, squealing all the way! We were completely in love with our baby Honu and we were so ready to slice that cake. We had the party at Aaron and Heather's house complete with pool and hot tub. Add the cake that held our future and well, it was perfect. Our entire family was there and Heather's family also, they are like family to us. Everyone could not stop talking about baby Honu and what we all thought she was. My friend, Erica, dropped the cake off earlier that day along with cupcakes that were decorated with the correct color. She had the cupcakes in a box that said "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL THE CAKE IS CUT". We were finally ready, everyone had arrived and the cake was waiting...

Elle's Mommy

Monday, October 24, 2011

Ellersley Grace III

Much to my dismay, we decided to wait to tell our families. The reason we decided to do this was that we were a month away from a trip to Hawaii to visit my brother and sister-in-law. We knew that would be the BEST way to tell my family...what's better than Hawaii and a baby? I mean really? We decided we would tell Wes's brother and our sister-in-law the Friday before we left for Hawaii, we would tell my family in Hawaii and we would tell Wesley's parents and his other brother when we got back from Hawaii. So we waited and waited and waited...if you know me at all, something like this is nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to do. It was like Chinese torture or something, a slow painful process. You all should be very proud that I made it! Friday, March 11th we were 7 weeks and we had our first doctor appt. We were so happy, we could not stop smiling...we were about to be told we were officially pregnant, we were going to hear the heartbeat, we were about to have an ultrasound, we were going to be telling SOMEONE (anyone would've been great at this point) that night that we were pregnant and we were leaving for HAWAII the very next morning...I had more butterflies in my belly than I could count. We had the ultrasound and saw the little tiny peanut and saw that tiny peanut's little tiny heart beating so very fast. We heard the heartbeat, 130 beats that first time. I'm pretty sure I had tears and so did Mr. Deem. We just kept telling God how much we were in awe of his miracles. There was a life growing inside of me right alongside all of those butterflies.

If you follow natural disasters and are OCD enough to remember the dates of said natural disasters, you remember that there was a huge Earthquake in Japan on March 10th. This earthquake in Japan created a huge Tsunami scare in Hawaii. This tsunami scare in Hawaii induced multiple calls to us by friends and family making sure we were going to be ok and making sure Dan(my brother) and Sara ( my sister-in-law) were ok. These multiple calls and texts came at the same time we were at a doctor's appt looking at our first born child unbeknowst to anyone else on this Earth, besides our doctor of course. It was comical how Wesley tried to appease the callers and texters. He can't lie ya know? He kind of left that lifestyle behind with the previous posts. :) It was so fun and such an exciting time. We both look back on it fondly, we know God gave us all that joy and we are so thankful for it.

Well, that night we walked into Aaron (wes's brother) and Heather's (our sister-in-law) house. We were there to say goodbye to the boys before leaving for Hawaii and we were dropping our Sophie (dog) off so they could watch her for us while we were gone. They had no idea of the secret that we held. We walked in with a gift bag which contained some chocolates from Sophie (a thank you for watching her) and the ultrasound photos of our sweet baby. I handed it to Heather and said "Sophie has a present for you, just a thank you for watching her." She opened the bag and screamed, "NO, no no no!!!" and she shut the bag and got up, without even getting the pictures out, and hugged me so tight. Aaron was yelling, "what? what? what's in the bag?" She could not stop screaming and we could not stop laughing, crying, all of the above. She finally said "She's pregnant, she's pregnant!" and he smiled and laughed. JOY, we will never forget the joy Ellersley brought to our entire family. We left there feeling so overjoyed and so loved and so excited to tell everyone else. One butterfly down...

So the next day we were up before any other humans are awake and we were off to Maui with my family. Seriously, Maui...God's blessings in our life are just plain stinking ridiculous. We were going to be flying all day and I was a little concerned about nausea. I had not been sick at all, another amazing blessing from God. I would get pretty nauseous at times, like when I hadn't eaten for 2 hours or something, but other than that, no puke. My mom always packs snacks for all of us to have while on the planes so I just munched pretty much all day. They had no idea, we played the game pretty well. The closer we got to Maui the faster the butterflies fluttered. Also, I hate flying so I'm pretty sure that was probably another reason they were fluttering so fast. I have vowed to myself I will never go again, the flight is too long. Oh, but the whales and the sun and the turtles and the mountains and the ocean and the beach and the whales. Did i mention the whales? It's the closest thing we have to heaven...I'm sure of it.

We finally made it to Maui and to Dan and Sara's house. Once there, we took all of our stuff in the house and started unpacking. Wesley kept looking at me and I kept looking at him, we were waiting for the perfect time. We brought gift bags, one for Mom and Dad, one for Rachel (my sister) and one for Dan and Sara and in each would be one ultrasound picture. We got three that day at the doctor, how perfect is that? Did I mention yet that God is amazing? He knows every single detail of our lives, every single one. So everyone was gathered in Dan and Sara's room, they were talking about something. I have NO IDEA what, I was preoccupied with my butterflies. Wesley grabbed me and we went into our room and grabbed the bags and smiled the biggest smiles we've ever had. I probably squealed, I'm pretty sure I did. We walked into the bedroom with the bags and I said "We have presents! We just wanted to get you all something because we are here and it's Hawaii and who doesn't like presents?" We handed them out and Wesley said "DON'T look inside, you have to open them at the same time". We both said, "OK, open them!"

Rachel was the first one with a reaction. She screamed and instantly cried and then ran to me and jumped on me. It was wonderful, again that overwhelming joy. My mom was crying and screaming. Dan and Sara were elated and my Daddy, he is so sweet. He just stood and cried. He is such a soft, sweet grandpa. Both my parents were just so happy, they had waited so long for this blessed day. They, too, were full of that joy. Many hugs and kisses followed and of course, "You knew for HOW LONG???". They couldn't believe we had kept it a secret for a whole month, they were proud of me like you should be. We went on with our vacation, loving a new member of our family.

We needed a nickname for our new family member. We are the kings and queens of nicknames and this new baby was to be no exception. We tried out the normal stuff, baby and peanut and champ but none of those really fit. Well, since we were in Hawaii and we had been fascinated with turtles in the past, we decided on Honu. Honu means sea turtle in the Hawaiian language. It fit perfectly since we didn't yet know that she was a girl. She was baby Honu then and still is today. Our sweet baby Honu.

Well, we rested and relaxed our way through a week and then we found our way back home. We were ready to tell the rest of Wesley's family, our extended family, our church family and our friends. We got home on a Tuesday, I think, and we went straight to Wesley's parents house. We could not wait another second. We went over under the premise that we were showing them pictures from vacation. Of course, we did that but we also brought a gift bag! :) We did the same thing for them that we did with the others. Dan opened the bag and took the pictures out and he started laughing. "What, what is it?" Marcia said. Dan, through his joy, said "It's their baby!" She got up and hugged us and Dan just smiled and said "Are you kidding?" And then that joy came again, they were so happy. They had been praying so very hard, just like the rest of us. God had answered all of our cries and that is always a happy day.

Elle's Mommy

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Ellersley Grace II

Ok ok ...I love him a lot ok. So moving into the rest of our lives obviously we thought we were invincible, never to be touched again by any miniscule thing this life could throw our way. We could handle it all, with Jesus. We had been through the FIRE of this ugly world and come out shining, so we thought, in our great pride. We had been given great love and we began to dream about sharing that love with a little one.

Jesus had given Wesley a great desire to become a daddy and well, my desire to be a mommy was bred into me, remember? November of 2008 our desire turned into action and we started actively trying to 'be fruitful and multiply'. About a year into our 'adventures' (that's what we'll call it) we realized we were not getting anywhere. Babies were not forming, something was not right. We went through some standard testing which proved that nothing was wrong but that ugly word, infertility, was being thrown around. At this point we were telling God that whatever He wanted we were ready. P.S. DON'T EVER SAY THAT...unless you mean it and then you better GET READY! : )

We knew that we had the love of Jesus and we just wanted to share that with a child. It didn't matter to us who that baby was, a biological child or an adopted child. We just wanted to shine Jesus's love into another life. We explored adoption and still feel God's pull toward a baby boy in Africa but the timing was just not right. Someday, little man, someday...

We decided to start infertility treatments in November of 2010, pills to be exact. The pills made my body work the way it was originally intended to work. I guess that meant hot flashes? God works in mysterious ways, what can I say? So we or I took the pills and counted the days and did all the steps I was told to do. And then we waited, 1 month down and no baby...2 months down and no baby. Christmas Eve came and I remember being sooooo sad on that day. At church on Christmas Eve I was watching a little girl that is so very close to our family. I was keeping her during the service for her mommy, she was almost 2 years old and I just remember sobbing because we did not have a child to hold for another Christmas. God was in my midst, holding me ever so close to his side. Preparing my heart all the way...

January came and again the pills but this time a shot was introduced also. I hate shots, not really a big fan of the needle but for a baby, sure I'll do it. It didn't hurt, by the way, easy as pie. I took the pills and got the shot on Saturday, February 5th. Little did we know, God created our Ellersley that day with a little help from Wesley and a little from me. Or should I say we created Ellersley with a little help from Him? Hmm...well either way that day will go down as a day we will always remember. The day my body worked in the magnificent way the Master created it to, forming a miracle that would come to mean more to us than we ever dreamed or imagined.

Before Ellersley was ever created we were thinking of names for the baby God would one day give us. Wesley just happened to be reading Scottish Chiefs, a book about the hero William Wallace. He came across the name of his estate, Ellerslie. If I am remembering correctly he was reading a specific part of the book to me and the name of this estate came up. He looked at me and said, "That would be a cute little girl's name, Ellerslie." I said "yeah, yeah i kinda like it." I love that her name was loved by daddy first, a name that Jesus picked out just for her and made sure that her daddy saw it. A name that is unique and special to her, a name that no one else has. She is one special little lady.

So after February 5th we were all just waiting and waiting and wondering and pondering what it would be like if I were really pregnant. It was a long anticipated dream for our entire family and we were just dying for it to be true. I remember pee, lots and lots and lots of pee. I was starting to get up in the middle of the night to go pee and at first I didn't think much of it but then it became a nightly ritual. I was getting excited and so was Wesley. So, on the morning of February 16th (a Wednesday) I got up to pee. It was probably about 3 am. I rolled over Wesley and went into our bathroom. I got out the pregnancy test and did, well, what you do on pregnancy tests. Then I sat and waited as Wesley stared at me. I picked the stick back up and looked and then I looked again. "Are there 2 lines on that?" and I handed it to Wesley. "No Nick...well, are there 2 lines on it?" We went back and forth like this several times. It was a cheapo test from Dollar General that everyone says to get because why spend the money on the expensive ones. I'l tell you why...THIS IS WHY!!! The lines are so faint you have no idea if you are or if you aren't and it's just cruel and unusual punishment to those who have been anticipating for soooo long.

So, we were just in awe at the thought that there could be a peanut growing, I think we were in shock. Wes was trying not to get too excited because we weren't sure yet if it was really true. We had a million other things going on that day but we decided that we would get the test that actually says not pregnant or pregnant, the digital ones that cost like $30 bucks for 1 test. We were not going to be the judge of the pink lines again.

February 17th, 2011 I rolled over Wesley at 3 am and made my way to the bathroom. We were both as excited as a 7 year old on Christmas morning. We could not believe that there was a possiblity that I was full of life. I was so anxious... I peed on the stick and handed it directly to Wesley. There was no way I could look, I was so nervous. He stood over it watching intently and hoping for a miracle. He finally, after what seemed like an eternity, looked up and I said, "What does it say?" and he handed me the stick and then he smiled the most wonderful smile. I looked at it and said "Are you serious???". There it was, the word we had been waiting for, Pregnant. I ran to him and jumped into his arms. He had some tears and I was just in complete shock. I'm pretty sure I screamed with excitement and we hugged and kissed over and over. A few hundred "Thank you Jesus's" were said also that February morning. We got back into bed full of joy, thankfulness and a love for each other and a God that had heard our cries and fulfilled the deepest desires of our hearts. We could not believe it...we were pregnant!


Monday, October 17, 2011

Ellersley Grace I

*****Warning: I tend to write how I talk, meaning this will be full of grammar mistakes...I'm sorry but go with it for me...********
*****Also...this is part 1...our story is long...blame God...*****

Ellersley's story is quite long and complicated but that's what a blog is for right? To write as long as you need to and who cares if not one single soul ever reads it. It's for me anyway.. : ) So, if anyone is reading this...grab your favorite drink and a warm blanket. You may be here for a while...

I grew up in a house full of babies. My mom ran a baby-sitting service out of her home and still does today. From 5 years old until the day I moved out kids ruled our home. Changing dirty diapers, wiping noses and brushing hair were daily occurrences. High fives, big hugs and sloppy kisses were rampant in our one was safe : ) We LOVE kids...always have, always will. So, my desire for babies began at a very young age, I love was kind of bred in me. I wanted...needed to be a mama.
Before I was married I would pray that my boyfriend's brother and his wife would have a baby that I could love and spoil rotten someday. They eventually did and I do and it was the most wonderful day when he came into our family. He filled me with a joy and a love that is hard to explain...a baby that I could love and direct and when he got too hard I could send him home to his mama! : ) I was in heaven! And then a year later another one came along...can you imagine my joy? Again, I was in heaven! I could not help but love them to the ends of this earth. They both brought the purest form of joy to my life and still do today. They are a part of my most treasured possessions on this earth. JOY in human form. Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me..." They show me more about Jesus on a daily basis than I could ever learn apart from them. I am obviously a very proud aunt. Well, I'm getting off topic here, back to Elle...

Wesley (my husband) and I got married on July 30th, 2005. We, as all engaged couples do, thought we were the most perfect in-love couple to ever happen to Earth. Well, come to find out, we were young and stupid...what a surprise! : ) We had no idea of the life that God could see in front of us.

We started our marriage with some intense baggage that lead us straight to our knees before a God that promised to restore. The first 2.5 years consisted of a controlling wife full of distrust and a dishonest husband with secrets no one could imagine. March of 2008 brought the Black Abyss, as we affectionately call it. The Black Abyss brought secrets to light...a secret life of sin, lust and eventually adultery. Wesley was a broken man wanting help and I was an angry wife embarrassed beyond belief. In the middle of this God was watching and orchestrating the details of our life. He knew what we both needed and knew that we would need it in order to get through the rest of our lives together. God brought us Pure Life Ministries,
look them up. Wesley, my love, left in May of 2008 for the rolling hills of Kentucky. Kentucky? yes has become our second home. A place of refuge and somewhere that we feel God near to us each time we cross over that state line. God is in should go sometime.

Well, Wes began a 6 month journey in May of 2008, a journey that took him past himself and straight to the cross. The cross that our Jesus bled on, so we could be free. He found Jesus and found teaching that taught him how to live a life full of Jesus. He was taught how to be an honest, loving and unselfish husband. He was taught how to be a seeker of Jesus, a lover of Jesus, a child of the King. He was taught how to be a servant to all and a protector of his family. He was taught how to live a life free from sin and bondage. Freedom is life.

I, at the same time, went through intense counseling as well. I realized I had a role in ruining this marriage we had tried to create. I tried to control my husband and make him into the man I wanted him to be instead of allowing God to mold him into the man God wanted him to be. I allowed Satan to rule my mind instead of taking captive every single thought. I was told what a Godly wife looks like, one who is meek and sweet-spirited. I'm still working on it, don't judge : ) I was taught to serve my husband like Jesus served those around him and to love him UNCONDITIONALLY. Love him through the good and the bad and trust that he is in Jesus's hands, not mine. I had no control over him and God taught me that lesson the hard way. To this day, 3.5 years later, control is still a battle in my mind. I give it to Jesus every single day...

Soooo, moving right along. Wesley came home in November of 2008 and so began the rebuilding of a marriage, a marriage full of Jesus and many trips back to Kentucky, of course (just to visit, not to stay again..). We moved on and let Jesus rebuild the blocks of our life one at a time. Were there days full of control? Oh my yes there were of course. My husband was more than sweet during those days, loving me into a full trust in him again. I'm listening to that song by Newsong and Natalie Grant right now..."When God made You". It does make me wonder what God was thinking when he made us. He knew just what Wesley would need and just what I would need. He knew the trials and disasters that would try to destroy our life together. He knew and knows and will forever know everything that we needed, need and will need. When God made you baby he must've been thinking about me...


Thursday, October 13, 2011


There is a scar now on my lower abdomen. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still pangs with a sharp stinging pain when I sneeze or bump it against something. It goes across my belly in a straight red line, an ever-present reminder of where love used to be. You see, before this scar there was a swollen belly, full of all the love and joy one could possess. A belly full of promise, a belly full of dreams, a belly full of life. Her name is Ellersley Grace and she lived there, before the scar, for 7 months, 1 week and 1 day. She filled that belly with hope, with joy, with thankfulness and with more LOVE than we ever thought possible. She filled us with dreams of her future and dreams of our future together. But, then that scar came. The scar brought something other than hope and joy and love. Oh, it brought those things but it also brought sorrow and groaning and an ache so deep that it feels like it will never end. It brought fear, uncertainty and anger. It destroyed our dreams and tried to destroy our future. I read this statement in a book, love always leaves a significant mark. See, our love was there filling my belly and when she came out she left a very significant mark. Now, not only is there a mark on my belly but one on my heart. A scar that will forever remain. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still hurts when I see her beautiful face or catch a glimpse of a mommy snuggling with her baby. A scar that makes my heart bleed. Your love left a very significant mark Miss Elle.

Thank you Jesus for scars. Thank you for having scars before mine. Scars that saved me, healed me and promised to make all things new. Scars that left a mark on you, a mark on history and a mark on me. Keep healing Jesus, I am waiting...

Elle's Mommy