So Ellersley...Christmas is here. When Daddy and I were given the gift of you one of the first things we thought about was Christmas. Christmas this year would be full of so much Joy. We dreamt of bundling you up and driving you around to look at lights, we dreamt of going to see Santa, we dreamt of what our Christmas picture this year would look like. We dreamt of sharing Jesus with you even if you were too little to understand. We knew that this Christmas would be the best we have ever had, full of chubby, rosey cheeks and big red and green bows. We knew it would be full of parties and showing off your pretty sparkly dress. It would be full of dancing in the kitchen with Daddy to Frosty the Snowman. It would be full of decorating the tree together and taking pictures with the dogs in their Christmas sweaters. It would be Christmas Eve with Grandpa Dan and Grandma Marcia and Aunt Heather and Uncle Aaron and Uncle Nathan and Carter and Kyle. It would be Christmas Eve night spent at Grandma and Grandpa Kolp's with Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Rachel and Uncle Rob. It would be Grandpa (Santa) getting all the presents situated in the morning and the fire roaring. It would be you and our family together for the first Christmas. We knew this Christmas would be different from all of the others.
This Christmas is different from all the others. You are enjoying Christmas with Jesus...wow, what is that like? Do you have a big Christmas tree? One with lots and lots of lights like Grandma Kolp has or one with lots of pretty bows like Grandma Marcia has? Does someone drive you around to look at all the pretty lights on all the mansions up there? Do you have a pretty, sparkly dress that you get to show off at a party? Do you have pretty red and green bows? Do you get lots of presents and do you have a roaring fire? Do you get to dance to Frosty the Snowman? Do you know Santa? Or do all of these things not even matter because you are celebrating Jesus's birthday? Do you give him presents? Do you know that he came to this Earth to save us all from ourselves? Do you know that he came the same way you did? Do you know that he had a mommy that loved him so much? Do you know that he had a Daddy that loved him so much? Did someone tell you the story of Christmas?
We just want you to know, Ellersley, that we love you and we miss you more than words can express today. Our home will be quieter today than it should be. Our hearts will be heavier than they should be. Our Joy will be stifled more than it should be. We know that you are there celebrating the birth of our Savior. You are worshipping Him in the perfect place where all peace and love abide. Will you tell Him that we said Happy Birthday? Please tell Him that we said Thank you...Thank you for the peace and thank you for the Joy and thank you for the love. Tell Him thank you for sending you to us and allowing us the privilege of feeling your love and joy every single day. Tell Him we said thank you for coming here and in turn allowing us to come there. We can't wait for the day we will get to spend all of our Christmas's with you and with Him. Until then sweet Honu, have a very Merry Christmas...
It's almost Christmas!!! : ) Well, really it is already Christmas for us because the family celebrations have already begun and truly that is the beginning of Christmas. There are only 5 days left...that makes my heart pound a little since I still do not have 1 single thing for my husband. Not one. I must admit that normally I love to buy gifts for people. I love giving, it makes me so happy to see someone else so happy. I must put a but here, But I really don't like buying for my husband. I hate it this year...oh that's horrible to say. I just don't know what to buy!!! What do you buy someone who has everything? Or let me rephrase, what do you buy someone who wants items that are too expensive? The poor guy...he doesn't want me to spend a lot and so here I sit with only a few ideas and they aren't really that great. I will try my best and let ya know how it goes...
I am beginning to realize that I lived in a SERIOUSLY thick bubble before August 13th, 2011. I mean like walls of steel bubble. Do you live in that bubble too? The bubble that allows you to only see what is going on in your world? The bubble that shouts AAAAHHHH WATCH OUT don't look that way because there is someone over there hurting and well, we surely would not want to approach that. The bubble that I was floating in thought that Christmas time was always happy for everyone. The bubble made me think that everyone was holly and everyone was jolly, everyone loved Santa and everyone loved Christmas cards with little teeny tiny sleeping newborns on them. This Christmas I am not feeling happy, not holly and not jolly and little teeny tiny sleeping newborns give me more tears than I can handle most days. Has your bubble ever been popped? I hate to say it but I hope it has. Popped bubbles allow us to see outside of ourselves. Popped bubbles allow us to see that there are far too many hurting people and families in this world. Four months ago my bubble was popped. I hated it and I still hate it but the popped bubble is growing on me. It's allowing me to see the world outside of my bubble. It has allowed me to see that I am not the only one sitting in a quiet home and an empty nursery this Christmas. It has allowed me the priviledge of diving in to someone else's hurt. It seems my entire month of December has been filled with the UGLINESS of this world: infant deaths, suicides, divorce, financial problems...not in my family but everywhere I look I see it or hear it. I hate it. But, I praise God for my blessings. It allows me to see the richness of the love and the peace that he's given to me. It allows me the priviledge of praying over those families. Praying earnestly that God would be real in their situation just like he is in ours. The popped bubble allows me to choose Joy.
Choosing Joy...an interesting statement. I was completely unaware that I could choose joy. I never really thought it was a choice. I thought that Joy was kind of out there on it's own and it would come if it wanted to but if it didn't want to then so be it. Grouchiness would ensue or grischiness as we like to call it. I have decided to chose joy. The joy is not a feeling that comes naturally to me at this time in my life. It is a choice. I choose to have joy. The world outside of my bubble is ugly; it's sad, depressing and just plain nasty but I will stand and grasp my joy with a tightly clenched fist right in the middle of the mess. My joy is not just floating out there somewhere waiting to swing by me, no my joy is forever and always in my grasp. It is there for the taking whenever I need it and I will choose joy every day. I will choose joy when the sun is shining and I will choose joy when the rain is falling. I will choose joy when the plan goes the way I thought it would and when the plan does not go the way I thought it should. I will choose joy when God says yes and when God says no. I will choose joy. God did his part in giving it and now all I have to do is take it. Psalm 16:11 You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever. In His presence there is fullness of Joy! : ) My husband and I hope and pray that you are choosing Joy this Christmas. We hope that the Joy of Jesus is making your home a happy place in spite of the sadness some of you may be enduring. We hope that the cry of that newborn baby so long ago has won over your heart and captivated your every thought. He is Joy to this world despite all the sorrow and sadness that we must endure here. He came to give that Joy, take it and use it... I want to post this because I love it...it has nothing to do with joy...well it brought me lots of joy (and tears) so maybe it does but either way...love this...for all you mommy's of angels, thinking of you and yours this Christmas : ) Oh, and I almost forgot...I got this from a friend...another mommy of an angel @ http://thechristmasbaby.blogspot.com/2011/12/third-trimester.html
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, Elle's Mommy
Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that I forgot to schedule newborn pictures or that we have to get our Christmas card done or that I didn't schedule her an appt with her doctor. It happened to me a few times in the hospital those first few days following her birthday, "OK OK well did you call the insurance company because we have to add her to our insurance." I said it over and over a few times trying to make my husband understand. He finally looked at me and said, "Baby, no we don't need to add her to our insurance, she's not here."
She's not here . . .Today the tears flow freely and I don't know how to get them to stop. I don't know that I want them to stop. They are tears for her, tears because she's not here. She's not here and she never will be. It's weird because we have been told over the past 4 months that there are certain stages of grief. We are told that one of them is bargaining. I found it strange when someone said that to us...well duh I know God won't give her back. But, I find myself trying anyway. Not that I really say 'ok God if I do this then you can give her back.' No, I find myself saying 'ok it's been long enough now. We are stronger, we learned what we needed to, OK...it's time now for you to give her back.' Some days now I wake up feeling like Oh it was a dream, Thank God it was a dream. But, it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare, that's what it was. A real life, true to the core nightmare.
We went to a psychologist last night, not by choice. :) We had to, for work related reasons...but we went and it was interesting. The man had a lot of good things to say and some strange things but he made me think a lot about how to grieve well and how to leave a dead child dead. Saying that makes me want to puke a little but let's be honest that's what she is. She's dead. She's not breathing, she's not alive, she's not here. He talked about parents that he's seen that have not grieved well and years later are still sobbing over the loss of that child and still throwing birthday parties in their honor. I sat listening and wondering to myself if this older gentle man had ever endured the loss of a child. How does he know what grieving well means? How does he know that throwing birthday parties for a dead child is not grieving well? Does he know what shattered dreams are? Does he know how impossible it is to let those go? Does he know how to love a child that is no longer here? Does he know how to focus on the great bonding moments that we did have instead of the tragic night she left us? I just wonder...it's so easy to say but not so easy to do. So, today I just wonder what our lives will look like in the future. What will we tell our other children? How will we share the wonder and the joy of Ellersley with them? Will we have birthday parties for a child gone too soon? What will her non-existent life on this planet look like? Will there be other children? So many questions...I hate questions...I love answers...*sigh*
So, have you ever seen Tangled? My husband and I are a strange couple...we love Disney movies. We watched Tangled with our nephews about a month after Ellersley passed away and we were hooked. We ended up buying it and we watch it a lot. If you have seen it, you know it's about Rapunzel, the lost princess. Wesley and I have decided that this movie is about our lost princess, Princess Ellersley. She's been taken from us and she is lost and this life feels like a never-ending search for her. Is that her in that 4 month old baby? Is that her running through Wal-mart with the blonde hair and blue eyes? Is she the tiny butterfly that hung around our house until it got too cold? We look for her everywhere we go and sometimes God will allow the wind to blow and there she is. She's in the wind with Jesus, whispering that she's just fine. She's just a whisper away and she can't wait to see us. She's here. She's not gone, not too far. She can't be held but oh she can be felt. Her love and her joy surrounds us in those moments. Some days it's so hard to feel it but some days it's so evident.
My little hubby loves Tangled. He watches it and dreams of his sweet baby girl. Will she have big beautiful eyes like Rapunzel? Will she have long, gorgeous blonde hair? What will that moment be like when we finally can run to her? Will an angel come and just give us that look and we will know it's time? Will we run to a big door that she is behind? Will we pause and praise the One who held us all this time? Will we stare at her, in awe of her beauty? Will we just run to her and wrap her with all the love we've been holding in just for her? The dreams of a Daddy. . .
Today my heart is heavy for our loss but also for all of those that have fallen into our lives that have also had a loss recently. There are too many to name, one is too many. I pray that Jesus will hold you as he holds your little one. I pray that his comfort will be your peace of mind and that your memory will be full of the joyous, loving memories and not the devastating tragedies. I pray that Jesus will be near, that his love will bind up all of your wounds. I pray that you will have hope that one day you will dance the streets of heaven with your teeny tiny sweet one. I pray that you will understand the love that Jesus wants to give to each of us. I pray that you will fall in love with Jesus, the baby that came so long ago, so that all might be saved.
I'll leave you with a story about our nephews, what would a post be without a good story about them? So they were at our house for our Christmas Monday and a song came on the radio. They had been learning some songs at church for their Christmas program and this particular song that came on the radio, they knew. Carter looked at me and said "Hey, we know this song..." I said "Oh yeah, well sing it for me..." So he started singing along with the radio..."Hark the herald Angels sing, glory to the Newport King..." I wish I had a video...why didn't I take video? I said "The Newport King? No honey it's newborn king. A newborn is a baby and that's what baby Jesus was...he came to us as a baby so he was a newborn king..." Carter looks at me stumped and says, "Oh OK well I always thought it was a Newport king..." Oh man, kids! Not sure what a Newport King is but apparently He's a pretty important guy...you should get to know him...
So, the other day I picked my nephews up from school. Carter and Kyle, 5 and 4 respectively, go to preschool. I decided to pick them up to begin our Christmas celebration!!! Every Monday, now until Christmas, we are going to have some Christmas fun...this past Monday we decorated our tree and we watched Rudolph and The Toy that Saved Christmas. The other Mondays will hopefully hold fun crafts and baking cookies and watching more Christmas movies, we will see! Oh, this past Monday we also attempted to make chocolate covered popcorn...haha! Not really fun at all but yummy...I am so not a baker, cooker or even helper in the kitchen and not really a thinker either so that didn't really turn out so well. : ) But half chocolate covered popcorn is still pretty yummy! The boys didn't mind at all!
So, I guess what I want to tell you is what my nephews taught me that day. They always teach me something, it never fails! We decided to go see Ellersley at the cemetery, I take them there quite often and so does their Mommy and they just love it. We got there and it was quite rainy outside but we got out and looked at her new headstone. It was just put in on the 22nd and they had not seen it. I read what it said... "Ellersley Grace Deem August 13, 2011...Little Ones to Him Belong". Carter decided that even though it was freezing and kind of raining, we needed to take a walk which is the norm when we go visit her. So, I said ok and we walked around for a while until my hands were about to freeze from the cold. We got back to the car and I was putting Kyle in his seat and I looked over at Carter and he was bending down in front of Ellersley's stone. He stood up and came to the car and he said, "Nicki, I'm sad that baby Honu died." This wasn't the first time, we've talked about our sadness lots of times. I said, "I know baby, me too." He got in the car and that was that.
As we were pulling away I told them to blow her kisses and they did a thousand times over. Carter said, "When we drive to school we drive past here and we always say 'We love you baby Honu' and we blow her kisses...and then we sing songs to her." I said, "Oh, you do, well what do you sing?" Kyle piped up, "We sing this Nicki...Savior, you can move the mountain..God is mighty to save, mighty to save...". Enter my tears...I said "Oh yeah! I love that song and I'm sure baby Honu LOVES to hear you sing that to her!" Kyle proceeded to sing the rest of the song for me while Carter joined in..."Do you have that song Nicki?" Kyle asked. "I am pretty sure I do Kyle." I turned it on and those little men in my back seat sang it as loud as their little voices could manage.
Savior, He can move the mountains My God is Mighty to Save, He is Mighty to Save Forever, Author of Salvation He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave!
Now, as I sat there and listened to them singing I could not stop smiling. I could not stop smiling because my Savior, He can move the mountains. He is Mighty to Save. He is FOREVER. He is the Author of Salvation. He rose and CONQUERED THE GRAVE! HE CONQUERED THE GRAVE! Don't you know what that means? And I know as a 4 and 5 year old all they know is that this song is about Jesus and that Jesus and baby Honu LOVE to hear their little voices. But, in my 29 year old mind, I know that it means that ONE SWEET DAY I will hug my baby girl again. That because of my Jesus and because he conquered the grave, my baby will not be in the ground forever. That her little soul, and who she was to us and to everyone who knew her, is in heaven waiting for us. Mighty to Save was a song and a phrase my husband had a very hard time with directly after Elle's death. If God was so Mighty to Save, where was he when Elle stopped breathing? Oh, the pain of that statement is so very real and so very raw still 3 and a half months later and honestly, I don't have the answer. I don't know why, I probably won't ever know why and that was a fear of mine but it is becoming so very unimportant to me. Why is the wrong question...The question we should be looking for and asking is How? How Lord will you use this tragedy? How will you be glorified as MIGHTY TO SAVE? Could it be through our lives? A testimony to His goodness, to the JOY that He gives in spite of the pain? Could it be through volunteering at the hospital and telling almost everyone I come in contact with about Ellersley and how wonderful our Jesus is? Could it be through people turning to God because of Ellersley's short life? Could it be through open doors and open hearts? Let it be Jesus...let it be...
Lessons from a 4 and a 5 year old...they are too many to count.
Thank you Jesus for being Mighty to Save! Thank you for moving mountains! Thank you for being Forever! Thank you for being the Author of my Salvation! Thank you for conquering the grave and for saving us from death! Thank you for the never-ending promise of Heaven and all the Joy that it holds for those who love you! Thank you for Carter and thank You for Kyle! Thank you for the lessons that we learn from those who are so pure and innocent...Thank you for the Joy that they bring to our life. Thank you for keeping our sweet Ellersley safe and warm. Thank you for holding all of our dreams until the day we can fulfill them with her. Thank you for being just a whisper away...
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
