I'm mad at you.
You want me to elaborate? Oh good, I was hoping you would say yes...
What the heck are you doing? What are you thinking? Where are you? Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do you care? Are you listening? And while we are at it...WHY ON EARTH DID EVE EAT THE APPLE? I mean seriously, I would like to think in that situation I would have chosen some other ridiculously wonderful fruit than the fruit from that dumb tree. Also, I am mad at you, just making sure you remembered.
I didn't want to be this mad, I tried not to be but it's pretty much impossible to do. When I started bleeding today I tried to be nonchalant in hopes that my dreams could wait a little bit longer but in all reality they just can't. Dreams want to be completed now and they have a very hard time waiting, is that really my fault? I hate it. I hate it that I get mad, why can't I just be patient. I know that your timing is perfect timing and I'm thankful for it but it is so difficult to stand in the middle of your timing. You are slow. There I said it. I think your slow, way too slow.
Also, this all reminds me of my sweet friend and mentor Sister Judy. You sent her to me when Wesley was at PureLife and she taught me many things. One of them being one of the most important statements I've ever heard in my life.
"I feel like God is so far away that he doesn't care and isn't close..."
"Nicki, your feelings mean nothing, what does God's word say..."
U-G-H as in UUUUUGGGGGHHHH! God's word says that he is close, closer than my mind can even comprehend.
I, the Lord, made you, and I will not forget you.
Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name."
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
1st Chronicles 28:20
Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
Well, I guess that says it all right? You are near and you are close and I am just whining. Can I ask one question? There is a verse on the door to our bedroom and I love it. I saw it tonight as I do every day and I just want to make sure that you remember it and that you do it. I know you will but you know my control issues, I need to tell you to do it just to make sure.
2nd Corinthians 6:10
Our hearts ache, but we always have JOY!
Our hearts are aching but the joy is there, bring it out and up to the surface ok?...we need it.
I love this song and thank you for reminding me of it so I could share it with all of the people that you bring to this blog. It doesn't have a ton to do with what I'm feeling right now but it reminds of how you love me and that you care about everything that goes on in my life. I love you but I am still a little bit mad at you... give our sweet babies a kiss from mama and daddy.