Dear God

Dear God,

I'm mad at you.

You want me to elaborate? Oh good, I was hoping you would say yes...

What the heck are you doing? What are you thinking? Where are you? Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do you care? Are you listening? And while we are at it...WHY ON EARTH DID EVE EAT THE APPLE? I mean seriously, I would like to think in that situation I would have chosen some other ridiculously wonderful fruit than the fruit from that dumb tree. Also, I am mad at you, just making sure you remembered.

I didn't want to be this mad, I tried not to be but it's pretty much impossible to do. When I started bleeding today I tried to be nonchalant in hopes that my dreams could wait a little bit longer but in all reality they just can't. Dreams want to be completed now and they have a very hard time waiting, is that really my fault? I hate it. I hate it that I get mad, why can't I just be patient. I know that your timing is perfect timing and I'm thankful for it but it is so difficult to stand in the middle of your timing. You are slow. There I said it. I think your slow, way too slow.

Also, this all reminds me of my sweet friend and mentor Sister Judy. You sent her to me when Wesley was at PureLife and she taught me many things. One of them being one of the most important statements I've ever heard in my life.

"I feel like God is so far away that he doesn't care and isn't close..."

"Nicki, your feelings mean nothing, what does God's word say..."

U-G-H as in UUUUUGGGGGHHHH! God's word says that he is close, closer than my mind can even comprehend.

Isaiah 44:21

I, the Lord, made you, and I will not forget you.

Isaiah 43:1-3

Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Psalm 91:14

The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name."

Isaiah 55:8-9

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

1st Chronicles 28:20

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.

Well, I guess that says it all right? You are near and you are close and I am just whining. Can I ask one question? There is a verse on the door to our bedroom and I love it. I saw it tonight as I do every day and I just want to make sure that you remember it and that you do it. I know you will but you know my control issues, I need to tell you to do it just to make sure.

2nd Corinthians 6:10

Our hearts ache, but we always have JOY!

Our hearts are aching but the joy is there, bring it out and up to the surface ok?...we need it.

I love this song and thank you for reminding me of it so I could share it with all of the people that you bring to this blog. It doesn't have a ton to do with what I'm feeling right now but it reminds of how you love me and that you care about everything that goes on in my life. I love you but I am still a little bit mad at you... give our sweet babies a kiss from mama and daddy.

Me

Ships in the Night

My heart has been aching lately, for something other than our Ellersley. It all started with a Sunday morning and it has not stopped. My heart is aching for families that are broken. Families that started with a Mommy and a Daddy and ended up with the broken pieces of a child's heart. I have written a lot about my Mr Deem and many of you have come to love him because of the sweet words I say about him. Those words did not develop out of thin air... Those words are spilling over, out of a heart that has been formed and molded and changed by a God who is so redeeming. Those words are the spill over of a heart that was broken and put back together and filled up by God and God alone. Those words are spill over from hours and days and months and years of hard work.

(don't forget to pause the music to the left)

I heard this song the other day and I need you to listen to it and I need you to let it change the way you love, listen and speak to your husband. I am allowing it to do this to me and I can only hope that our marriage will continue to be a testimony to God's never-ending power. We do not have children here on this earth but someday we will (even if we have to steal some...I'm kidding...sort of) and I have vowed to myself and my God that our marriage will be a first priority. I will make sure that life does not run us over and make us so busy that we are like ships in the night. Our children's hearts are depending on it.

As I have said here before, my mom runs a daycare. We have seen hundreds of babies pass through her home, year after year. The number of babies with Mommy over here and Daddy over there is far too many to count.

Like ships in the night, you keep passing me by.

Most parents do not realize that no matter how many times you try to tell yourself they will be ok, they will not be ok. I see 3 year olds with no security...never knowing who is going to love them and take care of them. I see 7 year olds with anger issues; tantrums and hate for everyone around them. I see 12 year olds who have no idea what it means to take responsibility for their actions and no idea how to do so. I see teenagers with no respect for any adult and no understanding of love and what it really means.

My heart is aching... This week we had Vacation Bible School at our church, it was heavenly. It is an environment full of babies that just want to be loved. They want hugs and kisses; to know that there are people in the world who care and will love them unconditionally. They want parents who are not just ships in the night, not just passing each other by. They need to see love played out, they need to see respect played out, they need to see compassion and forgiveness played out. How will they learn? Who will teach them?

I remember our first year after God started to put our life back together. It was about 3.5 years into our marriage and we were learning all over again what it meant to love each other until death do us part. God was teaching us what it really meant to be one with him and with each other. We had a hard time finding our way through all of the disrespect and distrust but God was so much bigger than that. He whispered quietly through the dark and told us to grab his hand and he would lead us out to the other side. He did just that, teaching us all about time, respect, trust and ambition. It was not easy. He never said that it would be. He did say that it would be worth it in the end. We talked about the end being worth it, remember, here.

I am rambling on today to tell you to work on it. Work hard. It's hard, it's not fun and it's not easy. But aren't your babies worth it? This life is all about change isn't it? Changing from selfish to unselfish, disrespect to respect, distrust to trust, anger to joy, insecurity to vulnerability. We are supposed to be ever-changing, ever-improving...it's the job of a Jesus lover. Let him continue to change you; to allow you to evolve into the being that he has always intended for you to be. Someday we will be made perfect...not ever wanting to just be ships in the night, passing each other by.

Elle's Mommy

P.S. My great news...I QUIT MY JOB! :) I am now a stay at home wifey hoping to be a new mommy some day soon. Also, I am hoping to have a lot more time to blog and perhaps clean our home...we will see about the latter...

A Daddy's Love

So Father's Day is soon...just like Mother's Day it is not something that is anticipated in this house but something that is a little bit feared. Wesley has been feeling the burden of grief for a few days now and he knows it will pass but it is oh so suffocating. He is missing his sweet baby and his heart is breaking all over again.

He told me the other day that he doesn't really think he wants anything to change, it's not that he wants her here or wants our lives to be different, he just misses her. He misses her joy, he misses her kicks, he misses her little face, he misses her silly feet, he misses her happiness, he misses her tiny hands, he misses her soft hair, he misses her. This day just brings all the dreams of a Daddy back.

Wesley had so many dreams for his baby girl, he can't even talk about Daddy's taking their girls out for a date without getting tears in his eyes. His dream was to show Ellersley what a real man is supposed to look like; how a real man treats a lady. He wanted to be the standard for her so she would know how to choose a Godly man. He wanted to sing to her and read to her at bedtime. He wanted to be silly with her and be her knight in shining armor. He wanted to teach her how to play baseball and how to drive. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she was on her wedding day and walk her down that aisle proudly, knowing he gave her a great example of who to choose to spend her life with. The dreams of a Daddy.

Wesley, I need you to know that someday all of the dreams that you have for your sweet Ellersley will be fulfilled. Some sweet day Jesus will take all of those dreams and in an instant our entire life will flash before our eyes and all the longings and desires and dreams we had for Ellersley will be satisfied. I know it for a fact because he said that he will make all things new. Our dreams will be made new, not crushed any more. I love you and I know I say it often but that's because I just can't hold it in. You have been the greatest husband any woman could EVER ask for. You have been the greatest Daddy to our Ellersley, far greater than I ever dreamed you would be. You honor her memory and remember her in such a sweet way. Your love for her will never end and your joy over her will last forever. Jesus is so very proud of the man that you have chosen to become in Him. I love you Wesley from the very bottom of my heart...and so does our sweet Ellersley.

(make sure you pause the music on the side before hitting play)

This song reminds me of my Daddy, of course. This was the song we danced to at our wedding, as I'm sure many people do. It reminds me of how much he loves me and how much I love him. It reminds me of all of the memories we have together and all of the laughter we have shared. It reminds me that I am BLESSED to have a Daddy so involved in my life, so loving and attentive, so caring and understanding. There are so many without. I cannot imagine my life without him...

Daddy,

Thank you for loving me so sweetly since the day that I was born. Thank you for rocking me all those nights that I cried for no reason, I think our special bond began then! :) I love you with everything within me and I cannot imagine living a day without you. Thank you for showing me what a true gentleman should look like. Thank you for giving me the gift of Jesus, I am forever grateful. Thank you for teaching me how to have fun and not take life so seriously. Thank you for memories, too many to count. Memories of building a fire with you at the river, driving the boat with you, going with you to work, and kisses from you at bedtime. Thank you for being so strong, a tower of strength for our family. Thank you for being such a sweet grandpa, I cannot wait to give you another grandbaby, one that you will get to love and cherish the way you do all of us. One day you will get to hold Ellersley the way that you held me so long ago...I can't wait to watch in amazement! I love you forever and ever...

Elle's Mommy

We went on a Trip...

Have you ever seen Little Einstein's?

We're going on a trip, in a little rocket ship...Flying through the sky, Little Einstein's!

I just love that show and wanted to share my love for their theme song with you... :) The whole point of that is to tell you that we WENT ON VACATION!!! It was wonderful and relaxing in a whole new way (which means it wasn't relaxing but it was fun). We ventured to Florida in a 12 passenger van; it took a lifetime to get there but we had a good time along the way. We spent some quality time with these crazy fools...

our handsome nephews (kyle on top, carter on the bottom)

our excited faces- we crossed the Florida state line!

We went to Daytona Beach with the family...it was the first time to the beach for the boys which made it oh so magical!

my Mr and I enjoying the sunshine

building a sandcastle with Uncle Wes

We also made our way to Disney and to say it was magical is a total understatement...I felt as though I had fallen into heaven on accident. My love for Disney is unprecedented, for real it is.

This pretty much sums up the awesomeness of the day...

my home

carter, marcia (my mother in law), me and heather (my sister in law)

handsome guy

yeah we saw her...don't be jealous...I almost cried, just being honest

this kid was so happy

so were we

we bought this little dude a gift and he had to carry the bag around all day  

we bought Miss Elle her own Minnie hat

Buzz Lightyear light-ups; definitely a hit 

gorgeous in every way

a little Disney love

We also made our way to Sarasota and wow, it was gorgeous beyond words.

 We had so much fun and I wish I had a billion hours to post all of the pictures but I don't. Love you all and hope you are enjoying your summer! I am on the verge of a huge life change and I am just about peeing my pants excited...stay tuned. It's not that exciting for others but hey it's super exciting for me and this is my blog! :)

Happy Sunday Night!

Elle's Mommy