Dear God,
I'm mad at you.
You want me to elaborate? Oh good, I was hoping you would say yes...
What the heck are you doing? What are you thinking? Where are you? Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do you care? Are you listening? And while we are at it...WHY ON EARTH DID EVE EAT THE APPLE? I mean seriously, I would like to think in that situation I would have chosen some other ridiculously wonderful fruit than the fruit from that dumb tree. Also, I am mad at you, just making sure you remembered.
I didn't want to be this mad, I tried not to be but it's pretty much impossible to do. When I started bleeding today I tried to be nonchalant in hopes that my dreams could wait a little bit longer but in all reality they just can't. Dreams want to be completed now and they have a very hard time waiting, is that really my fault? I hate it. I hate it that I get mad, why can't I just be patient. I know that your timing is perfect timing and I'm thankful for it but it is so difficult to stand in the middle of your timing. You are slow. There I said it. I think your slow, way too slow.
Also, this all reminds me of my sweet friend and mentor Sister Judy. You sent her to me when Wesley was at PureLife and she taught me many things. One of them being one of the most important statements I've ever heard in my life.
"I feel like God is so far away that he doesn't care and isn't close..."
"Nicki, your feelings mean nothing, what does God's word say..."
U-G-H as in UUUUUGGGGGHHHH! God's word says that he is close, closer than my mind can even comprehend.
Isaiah 44:21
I, the Lord, made you, and I will not forget you.
Isaiah 43:1-3
Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Psalm 91:14
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name."
Isaiah 55:8-9
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
1st Chronicles 28:20
Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
Well, I guess that says it all right? You are near and you are close and I am just whining. Can I ask one question? There is a verse on the door to our bedroom and I love it. I saw it tonight as I do every day and I just want to make sure that you remember it and that you do it. I know you will but you know my control issues, I need to tell you to do it just to make sure.
2nd Corinthians 6:10
Our hearts ache, but we always have JOY!
Our hearts are aching but the joy is there, bring it out and up to the surface ok?...we need it.
I love this song and thank you for reminding me of it so I could share it with all of the people that you bring to this blog. It doesn't have a ton to do with what I'm feeling right now but it reminds of how you love me and that you care about everything that goes on in my life. I love you but I am still a little bit mad at you... give our sweet babies a kiss from mama and daddy.
Me
8 comments:
Well said! Good for you for being really brave and telling God just how you feel. I am guessing He already knew anyway.
I am with you. I would like some joy brought to the surface too. Praying God provides you amazing comfort as you wait on the joy. And not because you are mad at Him, but because He loves you.
Thank you for being honest. I love that our God can handle all of our feelings, the good and the bad.
I used to beg and plead and ask why and then one day I got this image in my head. It was me stomping on the floor acting like a spoiled child saying give me give me!! I imagined God laughing at me. Not in a mean way, in the way when your child is acting up and you just have to laugh at them and say I love you even though your being a brat right now. I realized He was protecting me when I thought He wasn't listening. He was lifting me up off the floor and loving me through it all. Hoping your joy rises soon. Thanks for your post!!
I love our Jesus that he loves us and lets us be honest. He is so good, so big. I am not comparing nor can understand at all but every month since Jonathan died and I have gotten my period I cry and fell so sad. How did his conception come so easy and now????? I keep saying god what do you want to teach me in this time of waiting on my rainbow? Help me learn it quickly! Not that it will move his hand but it is still my prayer. Praying now that He would add to your family SOON, SOOOO SOON my friend! I loved the song thank you for sharing!
I so needed to read this today. Thank you for being honest...and letting God into the ugly parts of how you/we (naturally and understandably) feel after the death of a child.
You two have been such an inspiration to my life. Changes I am making are partly because of the strength that I see in your faith and your perseverance through these tough times. God will give you the desires of your heart. Take courage in knowing that His plan and His timing are perfect. Since your youth I have noticed special qualities in you and I knew then what is evident now. You are chosen by God to do amazing things. You two will be inspirations and leaders of many one day.
I found you through Tesha's blog hop.
I know those feelings of anger, and that defeat- thank goodness that our God is able to listen at our rage, and eventually, turn it into goodness.
I especially love your bedroom quote. My daughter's name is Beatrix. It means "she brings joy." What a good reminder of the kit she brought, even in my heartache over her loss.
Thank you for sharing your feelings.
How I have been there these last many months! I was begging, pleading, screaming at God, not understanding why He wouldn't want for me the things that I want. Why wouldn't He give us the healing miracle of being able to have another baby. One day several weeks ago, I arrived on my knees. I was able to say, "I trust You know best, and I choose to wait for what You have for me." The peace that has come from that is immense, comforting, reassuring. I pray He will bring you that same peace and He will hold your heart as you wait.
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