The way I see you...

Ellersley,

 

Today is the 13th of September. I knew yesterday that it was coming but this morning when I woke up I had no idea that today it had been 13 months since you came and left all at once. I woke up bright and early and waited for my kids to get here. You know, Rozzy and Hunter...I am sure you have seen me rocking Rozzy to sleep and singing to her just like I longed to do with you. We had a good morning watching Baby Einsteins or is it Little Einsteins, I'm not sure. You would think I would know by now since I've probably seen it about 1.2 million times. Anyway, after Rozzy's nap we took a walk through our neighborhood. You and I and Daddy have walked these roads many times before; when you were a wild woman kicking away in my belly. On our walk today I was telling Hunter and Rozzy what a beautiful day it was and Hunter and I were admiring the gorgeous blue sky. I thought of you, of course, because the sky always reminds me of heaven and well, heaven always reminds me of you. When you came to mind I smiled and then my body ached for a minute...

 

Today is the 13th...

 

It has happened every month for a year now, I'm used to it's pang. So, I smiled softly and I kept on walking; just like Daddy and I have done for the past year. I thought about how this month we won't be sending balloons up to you; that made me kind of sad but also kind of happy. Happy that we did that every month for an entire year and sad that it's now over. It doesn't mean we won't remember you or that we won't ever send balloons again...so don't get sad. It just means that life has moved forward and for that I am forever grateful. I must tell you that I had some feelings of relief. Relief that the grief is changing. The year of firsts is done and over. We won't have to go through our first Christmas without you again, we won't have to go through our first family get together without you, we won't have to go through our first Mother's Day without you or our first Father's Day without you. Those are all over and even though we will have to go through those days forever, I am hoping that they won't sting nearly as bad as that first time.

 

I was rocking Rozzy to sleep for her afternoon nap and I had a revelation and I know you probably already know what it is, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I was rocking her and singing to her and looking at all of your pictures that are hanging up in your room. I was thinking of you and what you would be like at 13 months. Then, I realized something. No longer do I think of you as that sweet, little, tiny baby we held 13 months ago for just a few hours. No longer do I think of you as not breathing and not crying and not moving. No longer do I think of you in that little, tiny box. No longer. When I say your name and when I see your face, I see Daddy and I down on our knees. I see a beautiful blue sky in a gorgeous, lush park. I see the greenest grass I've ever seen and beautiful trees and flowers everywhere. And then, I see you at maybe 3 or 4 years old and you are running as fast as you can. Your long, gorgeous, blond hair is down and going crazy in the wind. You are smiling and laughing and your big blue eyes are shining. You are running to us and your smile and laughter says that you can't wait to hug and kiss us. We are smiling and laughing with anticipation and when you finally get to us Daddy scoops you up and we kiss and hug and tickle you forever. That is what I see when I think of you, sweet girl. Thirteen months it has been...just one month closer to that blond, gorgeous hair, those shining blue eyes, that sweet little laugh and those big, fantastic hugs. We love you Ellersley Grace...to the moon and back...

 

Mommy