Visions of a dark-haired little 5 year old with his back pack on waiting for the bus.
Visions of big 3 year old squeezes.
Visions of he and daddy playing baseball together in our yard.
Visions of him running to us for huge hugs after his first t-ball game.
Visions of him growing up in church and worshiping Jesus with all his heart.
Snapshots of moments that have not ever happened flashing so quickly through my mind.
Today something happened that has not happened in Isaiah's 8.5 months of life. He stopped breathing and 911 was called. We are still not sure what exactly happened, we thought he was choking but now we aren't sure if it was maybe some type of seizure. He was turning red and not moving; eyes wide and his body complete dead weight in my arms. His lips eventually started turning purple and he was not responding to our cries and pleas. I was beating his back to try to get him to spit up whatever it was that he was choking on but nothing was coming up. After 45 seconds which seemed like 45 days he started making noises and moving his eyes and coughing and a tiny cry escaped. He came to and stared at us like he had no idea what had just happened but that we should definitely calm down!
Once he came to he was very pale and almost blue around his lips but eventually with time that went away and his normal color returned. The paramedics checked him out and said he seemed fine with perfectly clear lungs. He had no other issues and they let us decide if a hospital visit was necessary which we very gingerly decided it was not needed.
When you have a past that is riddled with death and fear and anxiety these moments are exceedingly above and beyond description. We panicked to say the least and it was not pretty. Our son was not breathing. The weight of him in my arms, not moving, was a bit too much to handle.
People tell their near death experiences and they always say that their life flashed before their eyes. All that they have experienced in life came flooding back in tiny pictures and snapshots like a movie reel that was out of control and could not be stopped. When you have a baby that dies these snapshots are a bit different. When Wesley handed me our daughter that was not breathing in that hospital room my mind did not flash back to the time we had with her, it flashed forward to all of the time that we would not have with her.
It flashed to our first Christmas with a baby girl with a beautiful dress and a huge headband and bow.
It flashed to Disney Princess dresses all over our house.
It flashed to her first Daddy/daughter date night.
It flashed to painted tiny toe nails and tiny fingers.
It flashed to sweet sixteen.
It flashed to her wedding day.
Today, when Isaiah stopped breathing all I could see was all the moments that we have been dreaming of for oh so long. I could not even see the past 8.5 months; I could only see those dreams that were way too close to being shattered. Everyone around after Isaiah's incident today kept asking if he was our first baby. I love and hate that question all in one. I wish they knew that he wasn't our first baby because there was an almost 2 year old running around our feet. We said, "No, he is not our first baby...our first daughter passed away at birth...so this was a rather scary event."
We are in Orlando. We are with a group of our students who are here competing in a Fine Arts competition. This has been an incredible trip; one full of joy and laughter and wonderful relationship building. We are so very blessed. Today, after Isaiah's incident we went into a room and sat and watched some dramas. One of them used this song and I almost broke down into a billion tears right there in front of a room full of people. Jesus is always watching and He is always listening...
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"
He is my peace
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
He is my strength
There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
The shadows will disappear
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
He has OVERCOME
I will rise. . . I will rise above the darkness, above the pain, above the ache, above the fear, above the worry, above the sorrow, above the shadows...We will rise.
Jesus, thank you from the depths of our hearts for being in the middle of every situation that we find ourselves in. I wasn't really thinking we needed one but thank you for the reminder today of just how much we love Isaiah. Thank you for the intense gift you have given us in him. Thank you for the precious life that he is and the joy that he brings to our family every single second of every single day. Jesus, we would deeply appreciate it if that NEVER happened again. It just felt a little too close for comfort if you get our drift. Thank you for being there today and here right now. Calm us and help us to take the peace and the strength and the joy that you so freely offer with each new morning. Thank you for protecting our Bubby, we know that you only have the best plan for his sweet, big life. P.s. We sorta love him a lot so if he could stay around for well, a lifetime (meaning a whole bunch of years) that would be awesome...
Elle and Saiah Sammy's mama and daddy
2 comments:
Oh my goodness. I can't even imagine (and don't want to either :( ) I'm so, so glad that he is okay. That is obviously one of my very worst fears...to be in that place again. I can't even handle the way my littles look when they are just sleeping sometimes!! Big hugs to you and many prayers that it was a one time thing!!
This is my worst nightmare. It is taking all my willpower now to not leave work and rush to my baby to be with her. I am glad he is okay.
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