We walked on Saturday, October 13th for our Ellersley and our baby moo and many other sweet babies that dance with Jesus in heaven. We joined over 450 other people for our Walk for the Angels. It is an annual event put on by an A M A Z I N G grief support group that supported Wesley and I after the birth and death of our Ellersley. We adore them and the bonds that were formed in those precious months after Elle's passing will never be broken. We may only see them once a year but it is a precious time that we cherish!
This year was extra special because we got to take Isaiah and well, that had me in tears a lot of the day. I was very emotional and I was forcing myself to hold my tears in almost all day. I loathe crying in front of others...that hideous pride of mine. Isaiah loved it; he adores new people so he was just in heaven seeing so many people and being in a new place. He got to meet all of our old friends and they all loved seeing his cuteness. It was a great day remembering Elle and little moo and all that God has done for our family in this life after death.
We took this family picture the morning of the walk because our daddy had a cross country meet he had to coach...he couldn't come to the walk and we were very sad but it's his job so we obliged happily! :)
Our Uncle Rob and Aunt Rara and sweet baby Liam!
Isaiah Sammy with his Walk shirt and his pin for Ellersley!
so so blessed to be his mama <3 br="">
Walkin' it out!
It was an absolutely GORGEOUS day! So gorgeous that I was a bit shocked and Isaiah was sweating since I thought it was October in Ohio and it turned out to be June... :)
Isaiah got tired of the stroller, he wanted to walk some too :)
He loves to send balloons to sissy!
He's kissing it! :)
sweet friends :)
sending our balloons away with lots of hugs and kisses :)
He watched them float away forever :) such a sweetie...
so so silly and so happy
i love him
my sweet, sweet friend...Erica :)
We had a blast and we hope that your October has been wonderful as you remember and honor the sweet babies that you cannot hold. We will continue to pray that God's everlasting peace would surround each and every family of loss...
I figure it's been a good, long while since I've posted some pictures of our bub man here so I will get to it! I apologize for the delay and hope you enjoy these pictures of his gorgeousness as a peace offering... :)
Mr. Isaiah Sammy...10.5 months old! And, no that is not a wig...amazing head of gorgeous hair!
Pj's and this incredible Monster hoodie
Yes, he eats all by himself now, sometimes...like a big boy!
He loves to see mama or daddy in the morning!
This is his prized possession...he ADORES it!
This is Isaiah's sweet cousin, our little Liam! He was blowing me kisses :)
love love love him
some swing time at the park...he was laughing and laughing! heavenly sounds!
his smile behind that swing is priceless!
I told you he was gorgeous
blurry but adorable :)
We hope you are having a fantasticly gorgeous week!
Redemption... It's been on my mind a lot lately. It was brought to the forefront of my mind as I have been watching a woman battle a pending divorce. I watch her weep and I hear her pain. I see the agony of defeat all over her entire body; head to toe. I was weeping for her and her family and God whispered... Redemption. I am redemption. I died and it looked ugly but then... Then, all that was redeemed. I woke up and the greatness of that made the ache of death seem so very dim.
I am redemption.
In the sweet reminder he gave me I was able to encourage this woman but also be reminded of the amazing redemption in my own life; in our story. Our story is a picture of the amazing redemption that only Jesus can offer. Any person who has a personal relationship with Jesus has a story and a journey of redemption. He turned your darkness into light, your mourning into dancing, your ache into joy. He made all things new which means that, at some point, all things were not new. They were old and dirty and ugly and nasty. And now; now they are new and alive and well. Redemption. Someone was making fun of me the other day. They were sarcastically discussing my overuse, in their opinion, of Facebook. They were laughing because an acquaintance of ours mentioned that they saw pictures of our son on Facebook and, in their opinion, that means that I put him on Facebook too often. I was seriously offended by this statement, probably way more than I should have been but we will save that discussion for another post. First of all, I love my son and love equates to facebooking him all over the place (please note sarcasm). Secondly, he is stinking gorgeous people...who wouldn't want to look at him a billion times a day???? And, lastly but most important...in our eyes, Isaiah is a perfect picture of the redemption of Jesus. Our lives were in ruins after losing our daughter and Jesus brought us Isaiah. He is the hope we had been holding onto, he is the good after the bad. He is the sunshine after so much rain. He is a picture of Jesus making all things new. He is alive and well and so stinking gorgeous. Why would we not want to share him and that picture of redemption with everyone we meet?
Also, I've talked about it here a lot but adoption...oh, it's all about redemption my friends. God decided to adopt us into his family; into his home and take our rough, dirty, ugly past and make it all new. Isaiah came from a long line of nasty pain and hurtful ugliness but Jesus...he has made all things new. He gave him a birth family and an adoptive family that will love him and cherish him for all of his days. A family to raise him to someday know of the redeeming power of Jesus that can come alive in his own heart and life someday. I could go on all day...I just love me some redemption! I talk about all of this to share this amazing story with you and to let you in on one of our next adventures. Read this article...because it's awesome and made me cry and hopefully you will be moved to fight for orphans in your area and around the globe.
ST. PETERSBURG — As soon as they pulled into the church lot, Davion changed his mind. "Miss! Hey, Miss!" he called to his caseworker, who was driving. "I don't want to do this anymore." In the back seat, he hugged the Bible someone had given him at the foster home. "You're going to be great," Connie Going said.
Outside St. Mark Missionary Baptist Church, she straightened his tie.
Like his too-big black suit, the white tie had been donated. It zipped
up around the neck, which helped. No one had ever taught Davion, 15, how
to tie one. "Are you ready?" Going asked. Hanging his head, he followed her into the sanctuary. This had been his idea. He'd heard something about God helping people
who help themselves. So here he was, on a Sunday in September,
surrounded by strangers, taking his future into his sweaty hands. • • • Davion Navar Henry Only loves all of his names. He has memorized the
meaning of each one: beloved, brown, ruler of the home, the one and
only. But he has never had a home or felt beloved. His name is the last thing his parents gave him. He was born while his mom was in jail. He can't count all of the places he has lived. In June, Davion sat at a library computer, unfolded his birth
certificate and, for the first time, searched for his mother's name. Up
came her mug shot: 6-foot-1, 270 pounds — tall, big and dark, like him.
Petty theft, cocaine. Next he saw the obituary: La-Dwina Ilene "Big Dust" McCloud, 55, of Clearwater, died June 5, 2013. Just a few weeks before. • • • In church, Davion scanned the crowd. More than 300 people packed the
pews. Men in bright suits, grandmoms in sequined hats, moms hugging
toddlers on their laps. Everyone seemed to have a family except him. Davion sat beside Going, his caseworker from Eckerd, and struggled to
follow the sermon: something about a letter Paul wrote. "He was in
prison," said the Rev. Brian Brown. "Awaiting an uncertain future . . ." Sometimes Davion felt like that, holed up at Carlton Manor with 12
teenage boys, all with problems. All those rules, cameras recording
everything. Davion wants to play football, but there's no one to drive him to
practice. He wants to use the bathroom without having to ask someone to
unlock the door. More than anything, he wants someone to tell him he matters. To understand when he begs to leave the light on. "You may be in a dark place," said the preacher. "But look for the joyful moments when you can praise God." Picking at his fingers, Davion wondered what to say. And whether anyone would hear him. • • • Davion always longed for a family. His caseworker took him to
picnics, put his portrait in the Heart Gallery. But he had thrown
chairs, blown his grades, pushed people away. When he learned his birth mother was dead, everything changed. He had
to let go of the hope that she would come get him. Abandon his anger.
Now he didn't have anyone else to blame. "He decided he wanted to control his behavior and show everyone who he could be," Going said. So someone would want him. "I'll take anyone," Davion said. "Old or young, dad or mom, black,
white, purple. I don't care. And I would be really appreciative. The
best I could be." All summer, he worked on swallowing his rage, dropping his defenses.
He lost 40 pounds. So far in 10th grade, he has earned A's — except in
geometry. "He's come a long way," said Floyd Watkins, program manager at
Davion's group home. "He's starting to put himself out there, which is
hard when you've been rejected so many times." Davion decided he couldn't wait for someone to find him. In three years, he'll be on his own. "I know they're out there," he told his caseworker. Though he is shy,
he said he wanted to talk at a church. "Maybe if someone hears my story
. . ." • • • The preacher spoke about orphans, how Jesus lifted them up. He
described an epidemic, "alarming numbers of African-American children
who need us." Then he introduced Davion, who shuffled to the pulpit. Without
looking up, Davion wiped his palms on his pants, cleared his throat, and
said: "My name is Davion and I've been in foster care since I was born. . .
. I know God hasn't given up on me. So I'm not giving up either." Lane DeGregory can be reached at degregory@tampabay.com or (727) 893-8825.
How to help At publication time, two couples had asked about Davion, but no one had come forward to adopt him. If
you want more information about Davion — or any of the 120 foster
children in Pinellas and Pasco who are waiting for families — call
Eckerd at (866) 233-0790. If you can't adopt but want to donate time or
money, call Eckerd at (727) 456-0600. For information about children who
are available for adoption in Hillsborough County, go to heartgallery
tampabay.org.
Amid churchgoers, an orphan pleads for a family 10/07/13
[Last modified: Monday, October 7, 2013 9:32pm]
This is heartbreaking but it's also prime opportunity for redemption to show it's amazing power. God has a plan for this young man and I hope I hear his amazing name again someday soon. I hope and pray it's him standing up and telling the world about the amazing redeeming power of Jesus and that he puts the lonely in families. He redeems the ugly and makes it oh so pretty. He makes all things so new.
Wesley and I are in the beginning stages of foster care. God has a plan for some sweet babies and we are hoping and praying that he will allow us to be a part of many sweet ones precious lives. We know the road will be long and full of things we cannot imagine but we know that God always has a great plan; one that is full of his redemption. Redemption for us and redemption for many precious little ones that he loves so very much. We can't wait to see all He has planned...
It feels so very different from the first year. I feel that I have moved on but then I feel that I'm still standing in the same place I was a year ago. I feel so happy that she's not here but then so sad that we aren't walking hand in hand at the park. I feel like I know who I am again but then I look at myself sometimes wondering who on earth it is that's staring back at me in the mirror. I feel intense love here but sometimes the intense emptiness floods in. I feel fulfilled. I feel peace. I feel joy; honest and pure joy.
The biggest emotion that I have at this 2 year birthday/anniversary is intense gratitude over the beauty that has been found here. There is beauty here...lots and lots of beauty. The death of a child is devastating, heart-wrenching and just plain awful. These descriptions come to mind for people who just hear of another's loss; those words barely delve into the mess that it causes in the lives of those that are directly affected.
Today, not only are we remembering the day that she came but we are remembering all the days directly following. We are remembering the emptiness; the huge hole that she left in our home and our hearts. We are remembering the groaning and the ache of dreams that were now lost, never to be returned. In the midst of that I have this gratitude and this huge smile on my face. She brought beauty, lots and lots of beauty.
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
I don't know about you but I think it's pretty incredible that this verse comes out of the book of Isaiah. :) What a great name! :) Two years later and we are seeing the beauty that Jesus promised.
We have watched as Jesus took this blog and used it and our Ellersley to bring more glory to himself than we ever could have done without her story.
We have seen Him bring more compassion toward others because of Elle.
We have seen friendships grow with people we never would have ever known before our daughter.
We have been a part of loving a group of teenagers; learning how to love like Jesus loved-with a lot of grace and loads of patience.
We have endured the breaking down of our pride and control.
We stood by and watched as God took the reigns of our adoption journey and he made it exactly what he wanted it to be.
We stood by as he intricately timed each event and brought us to Isaiah's NICU room on the most perfect day and at the most perfect time.
We stand by each day and smile and laugh at our sweet son and the awesomeness that is our life.
There is beauty here.
I hear this song often but I didn't really take in the words until recently. It gives me goosebumps and makes me cry every time I hear it now.
We have a serious story to tell and we have a serious wound that, on some days, still needs some serious healing. I remember wanting to believe that there would be beauty here. I remember the nights crying and telling God that I knew there would be meaning here but it was so difficult for us to see. I remember this ache.
Today, I want you all to know that there is beauty here and there is beauty in whatever the situation is for you. Jesus is watching and He is hoping that soon you will see the beauty and the meaning behind the ache that you have. I will be praying for you all today...there is beauty there and I will pray that today you will see it.
Our Ellersley Grace,
If you were here you would be two years old today. We would be making gluten-free pancakes and singing Happy Birthday to you over and over again today. We would be having a party tonight with our family and you would be the center of all the attention. You would be in a sparkly hot pink tutu and big bows in your pretty strawberry blonde hair. You would be beautiful. Today, we miss you so very much Elle. We love you and we are so very grateful for your big life. We cannot even begin to count all the good that you brought with you and two years later we are so very full of joy over that. We will celebrate you today with your baby brother. We will take him to your stone and we will leave a balloon for you and tonight we will send you two balloons and your princess lantern. We will read the story of you to him and tell him all about how stinkin' gorgeous and special you are, just like him. We wish you were here to celebrate with us but we know that this plan is the best plan. We are so overjoyed at the beauty that you brought and the beauty that Jesus has given in place of the ashes. We love you our sweet girl and Daddy and I are so happy that we are 2 years closer to seeing your beautiful face again... We love you to the moon and back always and forever...
Today a life flashed before my eyes. Visions of a dark-haired little 5 year old with his back pack on waiting for the bus. Visions of big 3 year old squeezes. Visions of he and daddy playing baseball together in our yard. Visions of him running to us for huge hugs after his first t-ball game. Visions of him growing up in church and worshiping Jesus with all his heart. Snapshots of moments that have not ever happened flashing so quickly through my mind. Today something happened that has not happened in Isaiah's 8.5 months of life. He stopped breathing and 911 was called. We are still not sure what exactly happened, we thought he was choking but now we aren't sure if it was maybe some type of seizure. He was turning red and not moving; eyes wide and his body complete dead weight in my arms. His lips eventually started turning purple and he was not responding to our cries and pleas. I was beating his back to try to get him to spit up whatever it was that he was choking on but nothing was coming up. After 45 seconds which seemed like 45 days he started making noises and moving his eyes and coughing and a tiny cry escaped. He came to and stared at us like he had no idea what had just happened but that we should definitely calm down! Once he came to he was very pale and almost blue around his lips but eventually with time that went away and his normal color returned. The paramedics checked him out and said he seemed fine with perfectly clear lungs. He had no other issues and they let us decide if a hospital visit was necessary which we very gingerly decided it was not needed. When you have a past that is riddled with death and fear and anxiety these moments are exceedingly above and beyond description. We panicked to say the least and it was not pretty. Our son was not breathing. The weight of him in my arms, not moving, was a bit too much to handle. People tell their near death experiences and they always say that their life flashed before their eyes. All that they have experienced in life came flooding back in tiny pictures and snapshots like a movie reel that was out of control and could not be stopped. When you have a baby that dies these snapshots are a bit different. When Wesley handed me our daughter that was not breathing in that hospital room my mind did not flash back to the time we had with her, it flashed forward to all of the time that we would not have with her. It flashed to our first Christmas with a baby girl with a beautiful dress and a huge headband and bow. It flashed to Disney Princess dresses all over our house. It flashed to her first Daddy/daughter date night. It flashed to painted tiny toe nails and tiny fingers. It flashed to sweet sixteen. It flashed to her wedding day. Today, when Isaiah stopped breathing all I could see was all the moments that we have been dreaming of for oh so long. I could not even see the past 8.5 months; I could only see those dreams that were way too close to being shattered. Everyone around after Isaiah's incident today kept asking if he was our first baby. I love and hate that question all in one. I wish they knew that he wasn't our first baby because there was an almost 2 year old running around our feet. We said, "No, he is not our first baby...our first daughter passed away at birth...so this was a rather scary event." We are in Orlando. We are with a group of our students who are here competing in a Fine Arts competition. This has been an incredible trip; one full of joy and laughter and wonderful relationship building. We are so very blessed. Today, after Isaiah's incident we went into a room and sat and watched some dramas. One of them used this song and I almost broke down into a billion tears right there in front of a room full of people. Jesus is always watching and He is always listening...
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"
He is my peace
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
He is my strength
There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes The shadows will disappear Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
He has OVERCOME
I will rise. . . I will rise above the darkness, above the pain, above the ache, above the fear, above the worry, above the sorrow, above the shadows...We will rise.
Jesus, thank you from the depths of our hearts for being in the middle of every situation that we find ourselves in. I wasn't really thinking we needed one but thank you for the reminder today of just how much we love Isaiah. Thank you for the intense gift you have given us in him. Thank you for the precious life that he is and the joy that he brings to our family every single second of every single day. Jesus, we would deeply appreciate it if that NEVER happened again. It just felt a little too close for comfort if you get our drift. Thank you for being there today and here right now. Calm us and help us to take the peace and the strength and the joy that you so freely offer with each new morning. Thank you for protecting our Bubby, we know that you only have the best plan for his sweet, big life. P.s. We sorta love him a lot so if he could stay around for well, a lifetime (meaning a whole bunch of years) that would be awesome...
