Today...

Today is going to be a great day. 

Today...

I will watch my baby sister bring a baby into this world. 

The emotions are running high and they have been for a few weeks now. 

I am in full on panic mode. 

Yeah, you thought it was her emotions I was speaking of...hahaha. Ugh, for the 10 billionth time stated on this blog...I HATE EMOTIONS! 

I remember that call...the day they told us that she had life inside and life as we know it would never be the same again. They Facetimed our family from Missouri and they were so nervous and hem hawing around the real reason for that phone call. They finally got to it and we all screamed and said NO WAY and laughed and then I just sobbed and she did as well. She said I'm sorry, Are you ok? I laughed in the middle of my sobs and I said OF COURSE I AM! I told her how I was so happy and the tears were because she was so far away and I wouldn't get to watch every detail of her pregnancy like she watched mine. That was half true. 

I was soooo happy and I am still soooo happy. I would be lying if I said there were not other thoughts and other feelings and other emotions there. It was just another lesson in God's timing, His planning and His amazing journey for each and every individual. It took me a few weeks but eventually those DUMB emotions went away and all that was there was joy over my new sweet niece or nephew, baby blueberry. 

Eventually, they moved home and we all praised God! I was so happy that I did get to finally watch every moment of her pregnancy just like she watched mine. I got to question what she was eating and what she was feeling and I got to touch that sweet belly and tell that baby how much I loved him or her. We found out in January that it was a boy and oh, we were sooo happy! Isaiah would have a great playmate in a baby boy that was just 6.5 months behind him. :) We could not be more blessed! 

Then came the final weeks of her pregnancy and my intense panic. Yesterday it was at it's peak, I am a hot mess. I am remembering. I am remembering the room, I am remembering the quietness, I am remembering the wailing, I am remembering. I am not into it. Rachel, Rob and Liam have had doctor visits every week the past 4 weeks. I am a mess every single time until I get the text that his heart is beating and all is ok. I have visions of heartbeats not being heard and of sobs of sadness, visions of not calling me or texting me but driving to me to tell me that another baby has died, visions of leaving the hospital without a baby. 

Yesterday I told my husband that I pray and I ask Jesus to take it and leave it far away from me but He really just doesn't. It gets a little better for a time but the nauseous puky feeling is continually there until I hear he's ok. I think it always will be. I am not writing this to be a self-pity party...I feel that is what is coming across! Ugh...I am writing this today so that all my baby loss mamas will stand with me and pray. Pray on behalf of all of your babies for this sweet baby boy. He is healthy and his mama is healthy but we know all too well that birth sometimes ends in tragedy. Our family knows tragedy. 

My sister is so very strong. She's a fighter to the end, always has been. She is going to labor wonderfully and I cannot wait to watch her bring Liam into this world, what an incredible privilege! I am pumped, to say the least! I am hoping that my panic doesn't get the best of me and I'm not puking in the corner of the room or something; also pray that doesn't happen. :) I am so very proud of her. I am so very loved. She has been a WONDROUS pregnant mama. She doesn't complain, she loves him, she treats her body well, she was sensitive to any and all emotions that have come and gone. She's the best sister a girl could ask for. 

Today will be a great day...

Jesus, you know the prayer. You've heard it a LOT of times over the past 9 months. Protect him. Protect her. We know that your plan is the best plan... Thank you for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy Liam. Thank you Lord, it is not a privilege that all have. Give her peace and strength, calm her nerves. She can do this today because she has you and she has Rob and she has Liam. Help us to be her strength, to encourage her and to be the calm if a storm arises. Help me Lord. Keep the thoughts at bay...you take captive every thought. Thank you for my pregnancy and all of it's memories. Thank you for Elle, thank you. Thank you for joy...never-ending, ever-present joy. You are so amazing and Jesus, thank you for a beating heart and screaming lungs, we will be listening for both today...

Six months of L O V E

It has been six months. . . 

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT IT HAS BEEN SIX MONTHS?!?!?!

I cannot. 

I haven't posted pictures up here of you in a long while so I thought I would share those with all of our readers. You are so darn cute and so darn worth sharing. . .

You are now officially Isaiah Samuel, made official by the state of Florida and the state of Ohio on April 16th, 2013. I did not think that day would mean very much to me. In my heart and mind you were already mine, nothing was going to make that go away. But, that day meant very much to me. It came and with it came all kinds of nervousness and all kinds of emotions. It came with sadness and joy, it came with thoughts of Kaci (your birth mom) and Aldo (your birth father), it came with thoughts of responsibility and fear of the unknown. It came with all kinds of emotions that I thought had all been sorted out. 

 

You are now ours. You slobber all over. You sleep in our bed sometimes. You smile more often than not. You giggle. You look for us. You cry for us. You babble. You sleep so well anywhere, just like your mama. You watch cartoons with daddy. You stick your tongue out. You will start real food today. You play in your exersaucer. You brings toys to your mouth. You are a master roller. You love to be tickled. You are curious. You love everyone. You have the deepest brown eyes. You have a mohawk that is awesome. You love your Uncle Danny, he gets some pretty awesome giggles. You splash during bath time. You give the best snuggles. You love it when we sing you to sleep. You are loved deeply. You are our Isaiah Sammy.

We can't believe it. 

We thank God for you each and every single day. We beg him to teach us and show us every single step to take. We need to know what to do. We have NO idea what we are doing. We are loving you the way he loves us and that's all we know to do. We trust that the journey God has for you is a mighty one; one with many trials and many bumps but also many joys and many triumphs. We love you Isaiah Sammy from beginning to end, from top to bottom, from inside to outside...to the moon and all the way back a million times over! 

Mama and Daddy

If you have a Wahhmbulance...send it immediately

It's been a rough several days.

Sometimes life throws a serious curve ball and this wasn't a your-baby-is-dead curve ball but it was an annoying one none the less. 

I am questioning every single part of my life. 

I am questioning myself as a wife, 

as a mother, 

as a leader, 

as a Godly woman, 

as a daughter, 

as a sister, 

as a person in general. 

I have not ever really been an insecure person but, boy oh boy whatever has been hiding in there for 30 years decided to pop up it's UGLY head this weekend. I have no idea how to get rid of it which is ridiculous since the past 5 years of my life have been full of scripture that battles this crap. I hate funks. I hate them and I am stuck in one. Not only am I questioning everything but Mother's Day is coming up. That special ache for a sweet, tiny baby girl has reared it's head. I am not a fan of the ache. I'm a fan of that baby girl, not a fan of the ache. 

I went to a Mother's Day Banquet this past Sunday and I must be honest and tell you it was torture, just as it was last year. It has been torture for a few years now, actually. I go each year and I try to focus on my Mom and on my Mother-in-law but the thoughts always go back to sadness. This year I was in my funk so that was playing a part also. I should have been uber happy this year right? Doesn't that only make sense? I have a sweet baby boy now and I am his mama and he is my son. I should cry at the sappy videos and laugh at the funny ones about being so tired you just want to fall on the floor at the grocery store and sleep. I should be covered in joy every single second of every day, right? I have no idea if the answer to that is yes or not but I can tell you that the answer is no for me. There is joy and it is there most of the time but Mother/Daughter banquets is not one of those times. 

I found this in my journal today...

11/25/12 
You have rocked our world. You sent us a son and a birth mother. We are speechless; speechless is the only description we could possibly have. Our gratitude is deep; thank you seems so trivial. You gave us the desire of our heart; a teeny, tiny, sweet baby to LOVE! You stood back and watched it all pan out, didn't you? I know that you did because that is just like you; to watch and smile as all the JOY unfolds. Since Elle you knew what these days would hold. Since her; her tinyness, her sweet smell, her tiny head, her gorgeous hair, her perfect quietness. You knew...you were smiling then because you knew Isaiah would be coming soon. You see the whole picture...the entire picture. Praise you and only you; you will ALWAYS get all the GLORY! His story is amazing and will always be told...no greater love, no other name...

Jesus knew...

And he knows that today and yesterday and several days before that were just not good days. 

He sees the whole picture and he knows where we will be in the end, he is not too concerned about this middle mess. Today, I am grateful for a God that is always near even when I don't feel like he is. I am grateful for a church that prays for our family. I am grateful for a husband that loves me unconditionally. I am grateful for a son that brings more joy than we ever thought was possible. I am grateful for a family that understands. I am grateful. 

Thank you Jesus for listening today...you are always near even when my mind tells me differently. Stand beside me this week as I walk this journey you have placed before me. Thank you for the journey. Thank you for Elle, thank you for Isaiah. The blessings you have poured on me have never been deserved and could never be repaid. I love you and I will spend the rest of my days living that statement out. 

Nicki 

***One request- if you leave a comment please do not say sorry- this was for my own benefit, not to get pity from others...I love your comments and would love to hear whatever you have to say, just not sorry :)

So...it's been a while

Well...

I am not so sure how to start...it's been so long I (a little bit) forget how this works. I guess I should say sorry...but then maybe not. I don't think I am sorry, well...not to you. I am sorry to Jesus. See, it's been almost 3 months since I've written here and if I'm being transparent (which is what this is all about) I'd have to say it's been almost 3 months since I've really had my life and mind on track. Once the writing and journaling goes down the tubes, it all quickly follows. My attitude, my control, my selfishness...all of it. It's a downward spiral of ugly nastiness. So, here I am, in all my glory. 

I have yet to figure out what the issue is, well...I guess I figured that out...it's the writing and the journaling. So, yay for being back and yay for the downward spiral turning into an upward one. If you are thinking this makes no sense, we are in the same boat. The past 3 months haven't made any sense to me. I have one million thoughts/worries/stupidity floating around in my head and I feel as though I have nowhere to place them. Like there are a billion jars in front of me and all my thoughts/worries/stupidity fits into a different jar and I can't figure out which thought/worry/stupidity goes into which jar. Weird...

Something happened though and it made me realize that God still loves me and still wants me to write on this blog. He knows that there are a million thoughts/worries/stupidity in my head and he knows that there are more jars than there are thoughts. On Sunday night I got an email from a woman named Ruthie at Birth Without Fear. Birth Without Fear is an A M A Z I N G resource for women who are going through a pregnancy. They discuss all kinds of births and give all kinds of wonderful information and they empower women to birth the way they want to birth. I find them A W E S O M E and so should you. I found Birth Without Fear after I had our sweet Ellersley and one day they asked for c-section mamas and I was so happy. They wanted to see the scars from which beautiful babies came. I was elated and so excited to send my picture and to tell the story of our Ellersley. My husband took the picture and I sent it in with a very shortened version of our story. That was a year and 3 months ago. I thought about it for about a month after and I was sad when I realized that they apparently just didn't want to use our story. Oh well, I moved on and never thought twice about it. Well, God did not forget. 

He was saving that picture and the shortened version for yesterday because he knew that I would be almost 3 months deep wandering in a desert. He always knows what I need. I got the email and I smiled and was thinking how cool that would be. Weird to have my belly splashed on Facebook but I remembered how I felt when I sent that in just 6 months fresh in my grief and I smiled at God. Well, on Monday night Birth Without Fear posted my belly and our story and as of right now there are 803 likes on it and 63 comments including my own. GOD IS CRAZY! After a year and 3 months he had them choose to feature c-section mamas and they chose us to be one of their mamas. It may seem stupid to you but yesterday it was perfect for me. I was starting to realize the error of my ways; my grouchiness, my anger, my selfishness, my ugly... My husband was gracious and kind enough to help me figure it out and pray with me that God would show me something. He answers prayer. He spoke loud and clear through Birth Without Fear. 

Nicki...where are you? Why did you leave? We had such a great thing going and I love you oh so much. I want to use you...I have a big plan for you and you are really trying your hardest to mess it up but I just can't let that happen. :) There are so many more people who have not heard. There are so many who don't know about the hope that I offer and the joy that can come in the midst of so much sadness. There are people who don't know...and I have chosen you to tell them. Don't stop now, don't give up. 

So, here I am. I have no idea what comes next but I will follow and I will listen. I need some peace and I need some Jesus joy because the grouchies are just not fun. I am so grateful for a God who does not allow me to stay the way my flesh wants to stay. I am so thankful for a husband who loves me enough to not allow me to sit in ugliness. I am so grateful for a son who fills our life with joy every single day! Thank you for reading and check out Birth Without Fear on Facebook and on their blog @ www.birthwithoutfearblog.com...I am a bit embarrassed that you all may see my belly but whatever. It's mine and it's beautiful because our Elle lived there and I will never think otherwise! Thank you for reading and sticking by me even when I don't come around for months at a time...

Love, 

Elle and Isaiah's mommy :)

It isn't all about me

Shocking, I know. You thought it was all about me, didn't you? :)

We went to a memorial service today. Sweet baby Josiah Owen was laid to rest beside his big brother. It was beautiful; sad and heartbreaking and confusion-inducing but it was beautiful. Jesus was there; comforting and spreading his peace upon each head. The Marx family was heart broken over the loss of another son but the Lord was covering them with joy and peace just as we all have asked Him to do. It was beautiful.

1 Samuel 1:27-28  I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.

I had the privilege, again, of meeting some wonderful women and I am so overjoyed that Jesus has linked us all in this way. There is nothing like the love I have for families of loss. There is just a silent understanding. If there is one thing this life and this journey have taught Wesley and I it is this: it is not all about us.

The second that Elle passed away a surge of compassion rushed into our hearts. An ache so deep that even a year and a half later it is still there. I have no idea if our Jesus will do something more with it some day but for now it just sits and calls to us when other families are hurting. It is not all about us; it is about them. It is about Cat and Derek and their family. It is about the ache they are feeling tonight. It is about the love and the joy we can share with them. It is about showing compassion in their desperate time of need.

Isaiah 43:2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

Today was not easy for Wesley and I. We walked into another service just like the service for our daughter. We looked at the tiny box that held that sweet baby boy. We watched his mama and his daddy cry tears of sadness over the dreams that would be buried. We watched as they watched his box be carried out of that room, never to be seen again. This day brought back all of the emotions of that day. But, today was not about us. It was about them. It was about crying tears for them and being there to show them that it's not all about us. It was about showing the love of our Savior. It was about reminding them of the faithfulness of our God. It was about them.

Tonight I just feel so blessed to have grown up in a home where it wasn't all about me. My parents were gracious enough to teach us all how to have compassion for others. They made sure that self-pity did not last long and they taught us that it could be turned into compassion for others. I am grateful for such a wonderful mama and daddy. I don't talk about them very much here but just know they are awesome and deserve way more praise than I give them.

Isaiah 49:16 See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.

I am hesitant to post this here but I received a rather un-compassionate comment here about a week ago. Anonymous decided that they needed to let me know their feelings, which this is a public blog and they are free to comment how they please. I was not fond of this comment and it just made me more aware of my compassion towards others. I thanked the Lord for the reminder and silently yelled at anonymous in my mind. :) Be careful because one day you may be the one needing just a little bit of compassion. I hope that you are showing some mercy and compassion to those in your corner of this world that need it.

Jesus, thank you for the gift of compassion. Thank you for giving me just enough today to love a family that needed it. I pray that you will continue to move me to compassion for others who are aching. I pray for the Marx family tonight...be near Jesus, be oh so near. Thank you for giving Catherine peace and joy. Thank you that this experience was so completely different from Owen's. Thank you that you are the giver of comfort and strength and all things great. I love you and continue to pour your mercy out on Catherine, Derek, Brayden and Addison...

Job 1:21 The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

 

In The Flood and A Little Birdie

Isaiah 61:3 To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Elle and Isaiah's Mommy