Tuesday, April 23, 2013

So...it's been a while


I am not so sure how to start...it's been so long I (a little bit) forget how this works. I guess I should say sorry...but then maybe not. I don't think I am sorry, well...not to you. I am sorry to Jesus. See, it's been almost 3 months since I've written here and if I'm being transparent (which is what this is all about) I'd have to say it's been almost 3 months since I've really had my life and mind on track. Once the writing and journaling goes down the tubes, it all quickly follows. My attitude, my control, my selfishness...all of it. It's a downward spiral of ugly nastiness. So, here I am, in all my glory. 

I have yet to figure out what the issue is, well...I guess I figured that out...it's the writing and the journaling. So, yay for being back and yay for the downward spiral turning into an upward one. If you are thinking this makes no sense, we are in the same boat. The past 3 months haven't made any sense to me. I have one million thoughts/worries/stupidity floating around in my head and I feel as though I have nowhere to place them. Like there are a billion jars in front of me and all my thoughts/worries/stupidity fits into a different jar and I can't figure out which thought/worry/stupidity goes into which jar. Weird...

Something happened though and it made me realize that God still loves me and still wants me to write on this blog. He knows that there are a million thoughts/worries/stupidity in my head and he knows that there are more jars than there are thoughts. On Sunday night I got an email from a woman named Ruthie at Birth Without Fear. Birth Without Fear is an A M A Z I N G resource for women who are going through a pregnancy. They discuss all kinds of births and give all kinds of wonderful information and they empower women to birth the way they want to birth. I find them A W E S O M E and so should you. I found Birth Without Fear after I had our sweet Ellersley and one day they asked for c-section mamas and I was so happy. They wanted to see the scars from which beautiful babies came. I was elated and so excited to send my picture and to tell the story of our Ellersley. My husband took the picture and I sent it in with a very shortened version of our story. That was a year and 3 months ago. I thought about it for about a month after and I was sad when I realized that they apparently just didn't want to use our story. Oh well, I moved on and never thought twice about it. Well, God did not forget. 

He was saving that picture and the shortened version for yesterday because he knew that I would be almost 3 months deep wandering in a desert. He always knows what I need. I got the email and I smiled and was thinking how cool that would be. Weird to have my belly splashed on Facebook but I remembered how I felt when I sent that in just 6 months fresh in my grief and I smiled at God. Well, on Monday night Birth Without Fear posted my belly and our story and as of right now there are 803 likes on it and 63 comments including my own. GOD IS CRAZY! After a year and 3 months he had them choose to feature c-section mamas and they chose us to be one of their mamas. It may seem stupid to you but yesterday it was perfect for me. I was starting to realize the error of my ways; my grouchiness, my anger, my selfishness, my ugly... My husband was gracious and kind enough to help me figure it out and pray with me that God would show me something. He answers prayer. He spoke loud and clear through Birth Without Fear

Nicki...where are you? Why did you leave? We had such a great thing going and I love you oh so much. I want to use you...I have a big plan for you and you are really trying your hardest to mess it up but I just can't let that happen. :) There are so many more people who have not heard. There are so many who don't know about the hope that I offer and the joy that can come in the midst of so much sadness. There are people who don't know...and I have chosen you to tell them. Don't stop now, don't give up. 

So, here I am. I have no idea what comes next but I will follow and I will listen. I need some peace and I need some Jesus joy because the grouchies are just not fun. I am so grateful for a God who does not allow me to stay the way my flesh wants to stay. I am so thankful for a husband who loves me enough to not allow me to sit in ugliness. I am so grateful for a son who fills our life with joy every single day! Thank you for reading and check out Birth Without Fear on Facebook and on their blog @ www.birthwithoutfearblog.com...I am a bit embarrassed that you all may see my belly but whatever. It's mine and it's beautiful because our Elle lived there and I will never think otherwise! Thank you for reading and sticking by me even when I don't come around for months at a time...


Elle and Isaiah's mommy :)