Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Kinsley Sarai coming soon...

Good news is coming your way so I hope you are ready... :)
The birth mom chose us...she wants us to be her baby girl's Mommy and Daddy! The past 5 days have been a complete blur! We have no idea what is going on, we just keep smiling and saying, "We can't believe it...we cannot believe it!" Our daughter's name is one that we chose just for her...Kinsley Sarai. Sarai is pronounced Suh-rye and it means 'princess'. She is our special little princess and we just cannot even BELIEVE that God has moved this quickly. This process has been INSANE and we can only give the honor and glory all to Him. We began this journey with Faithful Adoption Consultants on September 4th, 2012 and here we are 1.5 months later waiting for our precious baby girl to be born.
1 month and 20 days...
1 month and 20 days for God to bring a dream to life, 1 month and 20 days for God to connect us to a birth mom forever, 1 month and 20 days for our lifelong dream to come to life...God is Awesome! He is working and moving in our life and I have no idea how some can say they do not believe in Him. He is real, He is alive and He is always looking out for our good! Also, if you are looking for some help with the adoption process...Faithful Adoption Consultants is the WAY TO GO! They have been by our side, helping us through this intense process. They are quick, obviously 1.5 months quick. They are sweet, they are Godly, they are kind, they give it to ya straight, they answer the phone, they text, they call back, they work as hard as they can for you and they give all the glory to Jesus. They are incredible and PLEASE check out their Facebook page titled Faithful Adoption Consultants.
Oh, be still my heart. I am telling you, I don't think any of this has really reached my mind yet. My heart is still trying to comprehend that it is a very real possibility that God will allow us the privilege of raising this little lady. We have so many clothes and headbands and tutu's that Elle did not get to wear and the thought of putting them on a tiny little girl is just beyond my limit right now. I cannot fathom what those moments will be like. Pure JOY!
Now, I come before you with my head, heart and soul bowed low. We need your help and it takes every part of Jesus in me to say that because I am ridiculously prideful. We need money and lots of it. I am not sure any of you know this but adoption in this country is astronomically expensive. The costs of newborn adoption range from $25,000 to $45,000. Yeah, you read that right; not a typo. We have set up a fundraising web page and we would be honored if you would consider helping us pay these legal fees and bring home our sweet Kinsley Sarai. Click the link below and it will take you right to our page...
Thank you to each and every one of you that come here each week and read about the story that God is forever writing for our lives. You have made our hearts soar over and over in the past year and our hearts would not be as healed if it weren't for you and the love you have shown. You have been Jesus to us and we are so grateful! We cannot wait to share our Kinsley Sarai with you...she is due November 20th so be watching for her sweet little face to appear here. We love you and may God richly bless you for all you have already done...
Elle and Kinsley's Mommy and Daddy

Thursday, October 18, 2012

My sweet Ellersley

Life is moving fast sister...I am not sure that I am ready. I am prepared but I am not sure I am ready. I am supposed to be getting ready for a dinner tonight and well, a song came on and it made me cry. It made me think of you and when that happens I usually need to write. 'I can only imagine' is a song we played at your funeral, it is the universal funeral song, I imagine. :) It makes me imagine what that day will be like when we meet Jesus face to face and today it makes me think about all that has happened since you left. When you left we could only imagine what life would be like without you. When we imagined it, it was heart breaking. We didn't want to imagine it at all. Our hearts ached and cried at all of the imaginings that kept coming up. Imagining quiet nights and lonely days, imagining the silence of our home for years, imagining not taking you to church for the first time, imagining not taking you to Thanksgiving and Christmas, imagining not having you to love and hug forever. It was painful...but Jesus came and he turned our imaginings into something hopeful and something joyful. He turned our sorrow into joy and now, life is just moving at a rate that we can hardly keep up with.
Ellersley, tomorrow is the day that our agency is telling us that this mama will decide if you have a sibling or not. I am speechless at the moment. The words escape me; I don't think there are any to describe all of the feelings that I have. I am so ready to cuddle a sweet baby just like I was ready to cuddle you. My heart is right there in that place and I would love it if Jesus would see fit to make us this sweet baby's mama and daddy. I love you so much and I know that you are dancing with Him now and just maybe you know what tomorrow will hold. I am jealous missy, seriously jealous! We cannot even imagine what He has planned and what He wants to do in our lives.
We only imagined heartache and pain after you, but He imagined more for us. He imagined this blog, He imagined volunteering, He imagined worshipping Him through the pain, He imagined changed views on life and living it to the fullest inside and outside of the womb, He imagined changed hearts, He imagined adoption...I love you more every day and lately, I feel you everywhere I go. I know that you are waiting for His plan to be evident to us, thank you for being a part of it. I smile as I look up because I am thinking about, dreaming of and imagining the day when we get to hug you and our Jesus forever and ever...I can only imagine.
Elle's Mommy

Friday, October 12, 2012

What A Difference A Year Makes

It will be a year of blogging tomorrow...October 13th. Let's all just stop for a minute because that is just plain, stinking insanity. One entire year. Wow, time flies boys and girls, time definitely flies.
I have enjoyed this secret place that we meet every...well, whenever my INSANE life decides to allow me a moment to sit and reflect; I have enjoyed it very much. It has given me an outlet; a place where I can share my deepest hurts and my deepest desires. It is a place that I can feel free to give God what for and allow him to change the darkest parts of my heart. It is a place where I meet with all of you. I share with you what God has been showing me in my little, tiny part of the world. I hope and pray that it has made a difference. I must tell you that I very much so enjoy getting emails and comments from each and every one of you but it is so very different when someone mentions it in person. I love it, PLEASE don't get me wrong, but it is different. I feel like some sort of violation of privacy is being made. It makes me laugh a little because this totally could be my control rearing it's ugly head. I just feel like we are in some dark alley talking about a CIA mission that no one but Jack Bauer is allowed to know about. I want to say, "Shhhhhhh they are all gonna hear you!!!" I am crazy...
Anyway, in saying all of this I mean to say thank you for making this place so very special to me. You have made this year easier, bearable and let's go ahead and say fun. I love each and every single one of you and I can't wait to see where Jesus takes this blog in the next year. Thank you for making it a success...and just for blogging fun we will dig back to one year ago and take a look at where life had us...
October 13th, 2011
There is a scar now on my lower abdomen. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still pangs with a sharp stinging pain when I sneeze or bump it against something. It goes across my belly in a straight red line, an ever-present reminder of where love used to be. You see, before this scar there was a swollen belly, full of all the love and joy one could possess. A belly full of promise, a belly full of dreams, a belly full of life. Her name is Ellersley Grace and she lived there, before the scar, for 7 months, 1 week and 1 day. She filled that belly with hope, with joy, with thankfulness and with more LOVE than we ever thought possible. She filled us with dreams of her future and dreams of our future together. But, then that scar came. The scar brought something other than hope and joy and love. Oh, it brought those things but it also brought sorrow and groaning and an ache so deep that it feels like it will never end. It brought fear, uncertainty and anger. It destroyed our dreams and tried to destroy our future. I read this statement in a book, love always leaves a significant mark. See, our love was there filling my belly and when she came out she left a very significant mark. Now, not only is there a mark on my belly but one on my heart. A scar that will forever remain. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still hurts when I see her beautiful face or catch a glimpse of a mommy snuggling with her baby. A scar that makes my heart bleed. Your love left a very significant mark Miss Elle.

Thank you Jesus for scars. Thank you for having scars before mine. Scars that saved me, healed me and promised to make all things new. Scars that left a mark on you, a mark on history and a mark on me. Keep healing Jesus, I am waiting...

Oh, how I remember that day; so much sadness. I still have that scar; the one on my belly and the one on my heart. Only, a year later something is growing out of the one on my heart, sounds gross but go with me on this one. Something is growing and changing the shape of that scar; there is love growing there, for another. Love that endures, love that bears all things, love with no limits, love with no conditions, love that is ready to take in a child that did not grow in my belly but grew in my heart. I never thought I would be able to love again when she left my belly...I thought all of my love went to heaven with her. God showed me that was not the case and that His love is what was in me and His love was enough to overcome death. His love did overcome death, all those years ago and just a little over a year ago.
Now, because of the scar that our Elle left and because of what God has allowed to grow there, we are waiting. We are waiting for a precious and brave mama to make the decision of a lifetime. We are waiting for her to say yes or to say no. We cannot believe God and our Elle brought us to this place. We are forever grateful and He has been forever faithful. We know that He had a plan one year ago and he has a plan for one year from today. He knows if this baby will be our baby and he knows if this baby won't be our baby. We are trusting in His mighty love and we would be honored if you would join us in prayer for this brave woman and her sweet baby.
Jesus, I love you and you have put a permanent smile on our faces. You are crazy and that is just the plain, stinking truth. We are constantly in awe of your great love and your intimate care for us. Jesus, be with us this weekend as we wait to hear life-altering news. Be with this heart, that scar, it aches for her. We are eerily similar, her and I. I know the ache of handing my baby to someone knowing I will never see her again. Please give her wisdom and peace and soothe her breaking heart. Thank you for this place in our lives, we could not be more in love with each other, with you, with Elle and with the new baby that you may have for us. Give peace Jesus, lots and lots of peace...
Elle's Mommy 

Friday, October 5, 2012

Prayer...lots and lots of Prayer

There is a family that is in desperate need of your prayers. This family lost their son, Owen, in August of 2011 at 41 weeks pregnant. They have danced the dance of grief and joy over the son they never got to love like they wanted to. Now, Catherine is pregnant again and she is about 22 weeks along. The doctor's are saying that this family's newest son, Josiah, has Trisomy 18 and will not live outside the womb. Josiah has two living siblings, Braden and Addison. Please pray for this sweet family; pray for peace in the midst of great sadness. Pray for these parents that they will have the strength to tell their children, yet again, that their baby brother may not be coming home. Pray for their aching and breaking hearts. Pray for peace of mind and the strength to walk through yet another tragedy. And lastly, pray for a miracle. Pray that God would allow a miraculous healing of this sweet, tiny baby. We know that He can and we know that He holds our entire life in the palm of His hand. Pray for sweet peace...
Jesus, I tell you to be near all the time and this time I mean it. Cover this home, cover this family, cover this mama, cover this baby. Jesus, we don't understand. Why does the world hold so much pain and heartache for so many people? I know that we aren't entitled to anything but hasn't this family had enough? Jesus, they ran to you when their Owen left. They trusted in you and your promises. They believed that you would heal and you did. They need you now, they need your peace and they need to hear your promises. Whisper to them Jesus, give them hope and a peace that does truly pass all the understanding this world can offer. Be close as they sleep; give them rest. Protect their children's fragile, tiny hearts. Give them the right words to say to explain your will and your plan for every life. Oh, Jesus just do what you do and do it well. I have no words, you know how angry this makes me...I can only imagine theirs; take it and turn it into joy, somehow...
Psalm 139:16
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day has passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
Elle's Mommy

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

God's Wonderful Plan

I have barely started writing this post and I am already crying...that should tell you it's gonna be a good one, haha!
I bought a book about a week ago. I went to Berean (a Christian bookstore in our area). I was looking for a specific type of book and I was not having any luck. Once I talked to the lovely customer assistant, I realized this bookstore didn't really carry what I was looking for. I was mad but nonetheless I traversed back to the children's department to see if they had anything fun. I picked this book up knowing where it would lead and well, it surely did lead to where I thought and that was to a lot of tears. I have not really cried in a public place like that in a very long time but I really could not stop the tears from coming. I was with my parents and I took the book over to them and told them to read it and then I had to walk away because well, the dam was about to burst.
 God's Wonderful Plan
We are adopting...
I'm very full of joy today. God made me in a special way. I praise Him as I walk along. I praise Him with my special song.
I cannot believe that life has actually brought us to this place, well I should say Jesus- he has brought us to this place. The emotions are all over the map. We are so happy, we are so full of joy, we are so excited, we are so thankful; but we are also so anxious, we are so nervous, we are so scared, we are so overwhelmed.
It's times like these I take delight, in ladybugs and bees in flight. I see God in the sky of blue. He's in the grass and flowers, too.
We have been preparing for our home study interview which is tomorrow. We have filled out over 1,000 pieces of paper. We have made over 1,000 copies of all of those 1,000 pieces of paper. We ordered Wes's birth certificate because for some reason his was lost? Hm...hope that doesn't come back to bite us in the butt any time soon. We have installed smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors. We put a fire extinguisher under our sink. We have cleaned this entire home, TOP TO BOTTOM. If you haven't seen our house and always wanted to, now is your chance, it will NEVER look like this again. We have had physicals. We have done A LOT.
God knows all insects love to eat. So He makes crunchy leaves so sweet. I praise Him for my daily bread, then nibble branches overhead.
But, none of that has come close to the preparation God has been doing over the past 7 years. God had a plan...and He has made sure that His plan gets accomplished. We have always been drawn to adoption. We felt God's pull after Wesley graduated from PureLife and we pursued it for a minute but then God pointed us in another direction. That direction was Elle. We pursued doctors and medicine and along with God, we created life. We were so happy, we felt God's love for us in every kick and every roll of that sweet baby. Then, God took her.
I trust in God to give good things. But, sometimes, I wish I had wings. Still, I believe God has a plan, one that I do not understand.
We cried and we screamed at Him. We told Him that something must have gone terribly wrong. This could not be the plan, He didn't mean for this to happen, He couldn't. But, oh how He loves us so. He whispered for a year that this was the plan and we just needed to wait and see. He said to trust Him for He only gives good things. We went through so many emotions; sadness, bitterness, anger, hate, pity, and envy. We begged Him to give her back and we begged Him to give us another biological baby. He smiled and whispered again, just wait and see, I have a great plan for you that only holds good things.
God thought of everything, it seems - like warm cocoons and pleasant dreams. I praise Him as I take my rest. I trust He'll give me what is best.
We trusted Him and kept living this life. Adoption came up and we smiled and knew He was speaking. We jumped in full force and now we are moving slowly through each hoop. We had reservations; what will happen? Will we love this baby as much as we love Elle? Will we be able to explain adoption easily and comfortably to a growing child? Will the money be there? Will we pass all the inspections? Will we want to have contact with a birth mother and father? Will we be able to bond with our baby? What if the baby dies? What if the mother changes her mind? What if we lose another baby?
Then I wake up, open my eyes, and praise God for this big surprise. A butterfly with wings I see - Yes, that is what God planned for me!
Then, He whispered, This is what I have been planning, trust me. I have been preparing your hearts to love a child that comes from another's womb. I know that you can do it and you will do it well. Your life will be transformed; sadness to joy, ashes to beauty, rain to sunshine, caterpillar to butterfly. I love you and I adopted you into my family and I expect you to do the same. I have been the perfect example of that love.
We are adopting and we could not be happier. We hope that all of you will pray for us; that Jesus would give peace of mind through this nerve-wracking process, that Jesus would stay our focus, that our baby would be kept safe and warm in his or her birth mother's womb and that we would be united in God's perfect timing. Please join us in praying for our birth parents (whomever they may be); for their health and safety and peace of mind in the brave decision they will make for their child.
 Thank you all for your prayers and your joy over us and the plan that God is always orchestrating.
Elle's Mommy