Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Well, I guess I should probably talk about thankfulness since it is now Thanksgiving. You surely wouldn't know it was Thanksgiving by walking into Wal-mart. My word, I was there the other day looking for a stuffed turkey. That's all I wanted, a stuffed animal turkey to put on our daughter's grave. Is that so much to ask? Santa was everywhere, reindeer all over, candy cane Hershey kisses galore (I did grab some of those and so should you because they are the best) but not one turkey to be found. I finally gave up and decided she didn't really need a turkey to sit in the rain in the place that she doesn't even reside. I am sure she has plenty of stuffed animals in Heaven and if she doesn't then that's probably because she doesn't really need them. She has all that she needs. Ok...on to thankfulness...

Thankfulness is a choice, did you know that? Over the past 3 months thankfulness has been a difficult choice. In the past it was an easy choice, Oh thank you Lord for this beautiful home, thank you Lord for wonderful jobs, thank you Lord for working vehicles, thank you Lord for full bellies every day, thank you Lord for a giving, sweet family, thank you Lord for a changed husband, thank you Lord for a new marriage...but thank you Lord for a baby that is not breathing on this planet? Oh that's a difficult one. I have searched for a verse from the Bible to put here, a profound verse that would give some insight to how we are supposed to be thankful for all the things that happen in our life. I am finding that there are too many, ha! Imagine that. God is so funny...I am searching through Wesley's concordance and there are probably over 100 verses that just have the word 'thanks' in them; there are way more with thankful, thanked, thankfulness and thanksgiving. The point that I'm getting from the Bible is this : "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!" Psalm 107:1

Take note that it does not say...Give thanks to the Lord only when you have a warm home and lots of food and healthy babies and non-cheating husbands. My Bible doesn't say that anyway, maybe yours does and if yours does maybe we should trade : ). I am so bad at being thankful. I am selfish and want only the good from the Lord. It is so very difficult to say 'Thank you Lord for everything that has happened in my full life.' It doesn't flow out easily, it's more like it comes out in a scream or in a cry or just not at all. Wesley and I have walked these past 3 months and oh we see the good. We see the people that have heard Elle's story, we see the tears and the faith that she has caused. We see the kindness of so many people, kindness that came to us in letters and cards and more money than we knew what to do with. We see the change in our own lives, the faith that has grown and the JOY that has been a steady friend even though she is not here. We know God has been good, we know he has blessed. But to be thankful, it doesn't come easily. Thankful for what, HOPEFULLY ( I hope you are listening Jesus), will be the biggest tragedy our lives will see? Thankful for empty arms and bleeding hearts? Thankful for dreams shattered and more questions than answers? Yes, thankful because God is good in the good of life and in the bad of life. Our lives are covered by the grace and mercy of a God who loves us more than we can even imagine. He is always watching, He is ever-present, He is walking right beside us...He always was, always is and always will be. We choose to believe it, we choose to be thankful every day. He never said it would be easy..."
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Thank you Jesus for life, thank you for our home, thank you for JOY, thank you for jobs, thank you for cars, thank you for the blessings of this life that we take for granted every single day. Thank you for peace that passes anything our small minds could ever understand. Thank you for our sweet baby Honu, thank you for all the JOY she brought us this year and for the JOY she will bring us forever, thank you for empty arms and a bleeding heart (oh that hurts), thank you for shattered dreams and thank you for more questions than answers. Thank you for tears
Lord, and thank you for healing. You are the giver of all things good, Lord, and I don't understand what that means but someday I will. Thank you for that.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours,


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Ellersley Grace VI

So what happened next is something out of nightmares. Actually, I can tell you that it wasn't even a nightmare of mine. I NEVER thought or dreamed or night-mared or even remotely imagined that this could happen to us. It has taken me about a week and a half to get up the umph to even write about that night...here we go...oh tissues may be needed, just a suggestion.

So we were in bed after a long but fun day. We were so exhausted but the kissing began and well it couldn't be stopped, what can I say? During the fun I felt like I had started peeing. Now, keep in mind that I was 7 months pregnant, 7 months 1 week and 1 day to be exact. The actual act of peeing happened almost every hour but I felt like I had to pee about every 5 minutes. Also, secretly I may have peed a tiny bit at one point in my pregnancy while in bed. Wes may have made me laugh and it may have only been a little bit...that may have happened. If you see me on a regular basis I am holding you to an oath right now...DO NOT EVER ASK ME ABOUT THAT...I would be so embarrassed : ) So, anyway I sit up right away and I am immediately laughing, "OH, oh I think I'm peeing...". I sit there for a minute and Wes is on the other side of the bed at this point, "Well get up!" he said laughing. I stand up and I'm giggling and running to the bathroom but by the time I reach the bathroom I realize it is not pee. It was blood and it was running down my leg.

Now, as a pregnant woman I instantly knew something was wrong and I instantly started saying "Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, ok ok thank you Jesus". I was sitting on the toilet and the blood was just flowing out of me, it would gush and stop and gush and stop. Wesley was walking around the room and asking me what to do. He said, "Well I should call 911, right?". I said "Yeah, I guess. I'm fine I don't feel any pain but yeah I shouldn't be bleeding...". He called 911 and the ambulance was on their way. He came over to me nervously smiling and he kissed my head and my hands and then I asked him to pray..."Jesus keep our baby Honu safe, thank you for being with us and watching over us...give us peace Jesus peace" I stayed on the toilet until the paramedics came and I just kept thanking Jesus. Wesley and I knew that Elle was coming but we knew that she would be fine. All the books we'd been reading said that a baby at even 25 weeks had an almost 90% chance of living so we knew our Miss Elle would be fine. We knew she'd be early, waaaaay earlier than we ever thought but she would be fine. I cannot explain to you, even now, the peace that I felt. It makes me laugh, strange I know. God was filling me with peace. I had never been to the hospital ever in my entire life. The extent of my doctor visits have been for the common cold, which if you know me is like pneumonia to me. I am the biggest baby on this planet but I was so calm. I knew I would be getting an IV, I knew I would probably be having a c section that night, I knew all of it but I was ok. I was brave, because of Jesus and because of her. I just wanted her to be safe and I knew she would be.

The ambulance came and the paramedics got me all set up. I was not in any pain at all. I was bleeding and I could still feel it gushing out of me every minute or so but I had no pain. I remember trying to be very conscience of what was going on around me. I did not want to pass out and I knew since I was losing blood there was a chance that could happen. I remember being very alert and very awake and just wanting them to hurry up. Once in the ambulance I was getting nervous and starting to shake and I just kept praying. "Thank you Jesus, thank you...be with us, be near, protect our baby girl..." The paramedic asked me if I was feeling Elle move and if I had felt her move that day. "I'm not feeling her move right now but it's kind of late and she usually doesn't move around this time, I felt her all day today though." I really can honestly say that the thought of her not being alive never even entered my mind. I truly feel that Jesus was protecting me from the evil that could have overtaken me in that moment. The paramedic was calm and kept me calm and Jesus was just permeating my being, I truly believe that.

We sped off to the hospital with Wesley riding in the front of the ambulance and my parents driving in their car right behind us. I remember watching their lights almost all the way to the hospital. Once we arrived at the hospital they opened the doors of the ambulance and I saw Gib, my sister (Rachel). She was standing there with Rob and Wesley. I looked at her and she was crying and she said "I love you" and she blew me a kiss. She was so worried about Elle and I. I will never forget the look she had on her face, one of panic and deep concern for us.

The paramedics took us straight up to the Labor and Delivery triage unit. We were wheeled into a tiny room and the nurse came in and immediately wanted to listen for Elle's heartbeat. There were a few other people in the room giving me a new IV and pulling up my shirt and pulling down my pants. People everywhere. The nurse put the wand on my belly and I remember praying that she would find her heartbeat quickly. We had just gone to a doctor appt the Wednesday before and I specifically remember the doctor saying, "Oh she has a very strong heart, very strong heartbeat." The nurse wasn't finding it. At this point, I started to worry. I looked at Wesley, my rock...holding my hand and he looked at me, " It's ok baby, it's ok...it's fine." I kept praying and Jesus's peace was filling the room. The nurse started to look pretty nervous and she opened the door to the room, "I need the chief of staff in here immediately..." My mom and dad were standing there when she opened the door, they were praying to hear the heartbeat too. The minute that nurse yelled for the chief, a million people flooded the room. I could not even begin to tell you what they all were doing but they brought a big ultrasound machine with them. The Dr. was a big, kind woman who pressed down very hard on my belly. She was bound and determined to find Miss Elle and to make sure she was ok. She finally found Elle and we heard the heartbeat. I sighed a big sigh of relief and smiled at Wesley, "There she is..." The doctor said, "OK Honey we have to do emergency surgery right now and get your baby out ok...and I'm sorry but he can't come..." I can tell you that in any other situation, had I been given any time to think I would have been terrified. I was about to be sliced open and the love of my life couldn't be there. We were about to meet our daughter and he couldn't be there?! They wheeled me out of the room as fast as they could and he walked beside me and said, "I love you, it's ok, I love you!" I yelled I love you as they wheeled me into the room that would hold the birth of our first born baby.

Once in the room I was flat on my back with tons of people running around like crazy. Again, that peace. I had butterflies but I had peace. I would feel myself start to shake and get nervous and then I would just say the name of Jesus and all of that would leave. Demons must flee at the sound of His great name. The lights were bright and I remember seeing all kinds of utensils everywhere. I tried to close my eyes and just breathe and relax. I thought of her and how we would get to meet her soon and kiss her little nose and her little feet. I was so excited and I think most of my nervousness was actually anxiousness to meet her. The people started grabbing every limb I have and poking needles into me. The nurse that was with us in the triage room was still with us and she was leaning over me. I remember looking at her and she had a very anxiety ridden face and tears welling in her eyes. I did not like that. She said, "Honey, I have to put a catheder in you now and I'm sorry but it's probably going to hurt..." Well, great I thought. "Ok", I said and she started. I don't even think I felt it...so crazy. God, He really is in the little things. He knows how much of a baby I am, he calmed me for the IVs, he calmed me for the catheder, he calmed me the entire way. It was all as easy as pie. The man behind my head started talking and I asked him if I was having an epidural. He said "Oh no we are putting you under maam". Oh, gooood was exactly what I thought. If there was one thing I was worried about it was a shot in my spine. I did not want to do that but I knew if I had to that Jesus would be with me. I was elated to hear that He had already taken care of that part. That man said, "Ok, we are going to put a tube down your throat. You may feel some pressure on your neck." He put his hand on my neck and that is the last thing I remember before going under...

You were born into this world at 11:31pm on August 13th, 2011. You were born with no heartbeat and the wonderful doctors did CPR on you for 22 minutes. They got your heart to beat but it was not enough to keep you here on this planet. Your little soul met Jesus at 11:53 pm. You weighed 2lbs 9 oz and you were 15 inches long. You had weight in this life, Miss Elle. Your eyes were closed, your skin was flawless, your fingers were long, your hair looked strawberry blonde. You have Mommy's nose and Daddy's ears and toes. You are our perfect little girl.

I woke up in the recovery room to Wesley's tear-stained face. He was holding our baby and he tells me now that I had such a wonderful look on my face. A look of excitement and JOY to finally meet our sweet baby girl. I was so excited to see our beautiful baby. He tells me that was the worst moment of his life. He looked at me and said, "She didn't make it baby, I'm so sorry but she didn't make it." I was heavily drugged but I remember fully understanding what he was saying. I don't remember this but he tells me that I said "Oh God, why, God why?" Even through a foggy brain the heart can speak. I remember him handing her to me and I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Seriously, she was perfect. She looked so much like Wesley, it was almost funny to see. She was a little person, one that we had created together with Jesus. Those moments with her will forever be etched on my brain and my heart and they are far from something I can even articulate in writing. We have a book, The Belly Book, that describes our entire 7 month journey. In the belly book one of the questions is this, 'How I felt when I first saw you'...this is my answer...

I was full of JOY and sorrow. JOY that you were here and you were so beautiful and that you were mine and Daddy's. JOY that you looked so much like Daddy and JOY because I loved you so much before I ever even met you. Sorrow because I knew you would not be staying and we would never do the things that I do with my Mommy. Sorrow because I was afraid it hurt you and I didn't want you to be in any pain. Sorrow because I missed you kicking and moving in my belly. Sorrow so very deep it only came out in a very loud groaning. The ache of a Mommy's broken heart...

'How it felt to hold you for the first time'...this is Wesley's answer...

I don't know if I will ever be able to describe what I felt holding your little body in my arms for the first time. The deepest feelings, stronger and harder than any I've ever had before came rushing over me. I felt love, overwhelming love for the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. You made me feel strong and brave and you made me want to protect you even though you were already gone. I also felt awe just to see what you finally looked like after all the anticipation and waiting through the months. But mixed in with these feelings was the worst ache and pain and sorrow I've ever known. I hurt because you weren't there with us. I hurt because you weren't moving or breathing. I wasn't ready for that and I'm still not ready. I groaned for the fact that Mommy was going to be hurting so greatly; that we, together, would never get to see you grow or hear you cry or see your blue eyes. I still wish it wasn't true. I wish I could feel how it is to hold you again, right now. Sorrow came when you were born but so did love unspeakable. That's what I will remember forever after the sorrow leaves -- love unspeakable.

We held, hugged, kissed, smelled and snuggled our beautiful baby for 12 hours. Our family was all around and they all got to meet their sweet Ellersley and do the same to her. She spent time with grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles and sweet friends. Our nurse came and took pictures of us with her and she took her and dressed her in a cute outfit and took pictures of her. They are the most cherished possessions we own at this point in our lives. The outfit and hat she wore hang in a shadow box now in her room. We snuggled and slept with her all night, we cried over her and told her how much we loved her and how much we would miss her. We told her about all the dreams we had for her and how she was so anticipated. And of course we told her about that JOY, the JOY of that first test, the JOY of telling our family, the JOY of telling our church, the JOY of listening to her heartbeat, the JOY of seeing her move around inside me, the JOY of finding out she was a girl, the JOY of feeling her kick for the first time, the JOY of reading to her, the JOY of knowing she was coming and the JOY of loving her.

The first day and a half in the hospital seems a blur to me except every part with her. I remember it all so clearly. I remember how she looked and how she felt and exactly what she smelled like. I remember what she felt like laying in the crook of my neck, she loved to snuggle. I remember taking pictures with her and I remember sleeping with her. I remember her, I don't think I could ever forget. I know that so many friends and family came to visit us that first day but I really could not tell you who it was. The morphine was so strong, I hated it. I was so sleepy and I would be in the middle of a conversation and fall asleep. Remember that I had never been in the hospital ever before so any kind of major pain med was totally foreign to me. I hated being out of control, imagine that. : ) I remember coming off of the morphine...that was not a fun time.

They took me off of the morphine at 10pm Sunday night, almost 24 hours after the c-section. I, up to this point, had not really cried. Oh, I was sad...darkness was surrounding me, but my body would not allow tears to form. Monday morning at about 6am it all came spilling out of me. I had just woken up and gotten up to use the restroom, I got back into bed and my little body could not hold that hurt any longer. The tears started streaming down my face and the wailing began. Wesley ran to my side and my mom to the other side. Wesley held me and cried with me and my mom prayed that Jesus would be near. It was the strangest feeling I have had up to this point in my life and I pray every day that it NEVER happens to me again. I always had read in the Bible those stories about the mourners and how they had groaned in pain for those that had passed away. I never understood that and I actually thought it was a bit dramatic. Well, I can truly tell you that it is not drama of any kind. It is real, raw brokenness. The cry and the ache of a very broken heart. This wailing happened a few times a day for the first several days. It happened once when our entire family was in the room. We were about to eat and everyone was grabbing their pizza and I just couldn't stop it from coming out. Our nephews were there and afterwards Kyle came over to me and said, "Nicki, it makes me sad when you cry...". It made me sad too Little dude, it made me sad too.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


So, before we move on to the night of the 13th I just want to say a few more things about our Jesus, our baby Honu and our life together. First of all, it seems my entire life has been one big game of God teaching and me learning. I grew up thinking I would be the perfect wife and the perfect mommy. I thought I had been given all the love I would ever need and I would be able to give it away, freely, to others. I found a life and a journey that has followed a very different path. A path full of love, always, but love in a very different way than what I ever could have imagined. My journey as a wife started with guarded love, controlling love and eventually a relationship that wasn't love at all. God showed me His love, slowly and painfully. He opened my eyes to see that I was not the perfect wife. I learned that my trust should be in Him and Him alone. I could not rest in any person on this Earth. My rest and peace and comfort and trust was only to be in Him. In looking back over my notes from my counseling during that time of our life I found this verse. It is one I held onto then and I'd forgotten it but there are now tears in my eyes as I read it. God is all we need...

Jeremiah 17:5-8 This is what the Lord says: "Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green and they never stop producing fruit.

Let's go over that last part one more time...THEY NEVER STOP PRODUCING FRUIT...never. It surely does not feel like we are producing any fruit at this point in our lives but God is ever-present. He is pulling the fruit out of us because we are trusting in Him. It's the only place we know to go. Now, after what has happened with our Ellersley, I find it so very difficult to know how to love her. Something I NEVER imagined in my days of dreaming of her. I knew that would be the ONE thing I could do, I would know how to love her. That love that I thought would always come so easily and freely now comes with much sorrow and pain. Not so easy and not so free. But my Bible says that 'Perfect love casts out all fear'. The love of my Jesus has been showing me that my fears of not loving her adequately are from one place and one place only. And that is not a happy place. Another scripture I just found...

1st peter 1:5-9 And through your faith God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see. So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.

There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. One day our love for her will be whole and complete all because of Jesus. Our love will NEVER be severed by the hands of death. We will live in love with her, forever. I am listening to a song right now...Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman...

Grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace move our hearts to hear a single beat between alibis and enemies tonight...or maybe not, not today peace might be another world away and if that's the case...we'll give thanks to You with gratitude for lessons learned in how to trust in You, that we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream in abundance or in need and if You never grant us peace, but Jesus would You please...

Thank you Lord for our story. Our story of love, our story of lies, our story of control, our story of trust, our story of life and our story of death. Thank you for lessons learned in how to trust in You. Thank you for this blog and for the hearts that it is touching. I can't believe what You have done Jesus, You are a magnificent God. Thank you for using an empty vessel. Thank you for filling us with fruit and pulling it out at any chance you get. Our lives are Yours and You know how difficult that is to say. Jesus, thank you for taking care of our baby Honu and giving her all the things that she needs. Thank you for your gifts. Our lives will be yours until that wonderful JOY that is ahead. Our hearts and minds cannot imagine that JOY...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Ellersley Grace V

So, it was a GIRL!!! There are no words to describe the JOY that cake brought us. The video barely does justice the emotions we were feeling in that moment. We could not BELIEVE God had given us what we had always desired. We did not deserve this love, we did not deserve this JOY, we did not deserve this blessing. We were in awe of his love for us. We were feeling very, very blessed.

So began the shopping and the planning... : ) We went out immediately and bought her first outfits from Mommy and Daddy. Pink jammies from Daddy that said Daddy's princess and a pink hoodie sweat suit from Mommy. Work consisted of searching for as many headbands, bows and tutus we could find. We bought her a hot pink tutu for newborn pictures, it is gorgeous. People bought her headbands and bows and blankets and socks and clothes and turtles, of course. Friends started making headbands and bows for her and other things to decorate her room. She was anticipated greatly and loved even more. She has a closet full of clothes still waiting for her to fill them... We decided on what we wanted for her room. Hot Pink, light green and brown and we had the bedding set picked out. It had those colors with flowers and a gorgeous honu as a part of the decorations. Perfect! It fit her perfectly and she told me she loved it ;) The painting began and we were just in love with the colors. My father-in-law thought I was going to hate the pink, he thought I would think it was too bright. It was the most perfect color...perfect for our baby Honu.

We moved through July with flying colors. No problems at all, well, sweating non-stop and swollen feet after standing for more than 5 minutes but I was told that was normal for a summer pregnancy. So, I embraced it and loved it all at the same time. July brought lots and lots of moving on her end. She started kicking and it was, again, the most amazing feeling this side of heaven. She decided that she wanted to kick Aunt Rachel first, much to Daddy's dismay. I was laying on the couch at my parent's house and it was around 9 or 9:30 at night. She started kicking and I said , " Oh, oh there she is!" Rachel ran over and shoved her hand down on my expanding belly. We waited..."OH OH she's right there!" haha...I can't help but smile thinking about it. Rachel loved it. Ellersley loved her Aunt Rachel and she wanted to make sure that she always would remember that.

The kicking got stronger and more often. It was the most wonderful time of our lives. I'm pretty sure that every single time she moved Wesley got a text or call from me. Her moving was so special to me and I could not help sharing it with him. She was always awake in the morning right after my shower, rolling around mostly...morning acrobatics. She was always awake after I ate, always. I told you she loved to eat, remember? And at night? She was insane at night. Every single night from about 8 until 10 she was wide awake. She and Daddy talked then. He read to her and sang to her and played his guitar for her. He always felt her kick, he said she was trying to hold his hand. A few times he had his face on my belly and she kicked him or punched him right in the face. He said she was kissing him, of course she was. He loved her so much before she ever even got here. She was a Daddy's girl before she ever even entered this world.

A few weeks after we found out she was a girl, we decided on her name. We had always liked Ellersley but Wesley was holding out on me. It was the name he had liked to begin with, if you remember, but he was for some reason not wanting to commit. After some persuading and telling him that I loved the name so much because he had liked it first, he decided that would be her name. We knew that we wanted to spell it Ellersley instead of the way it was in the book, Ellerslie, because 's-l-e-y' was like Daddy's name, Wesley. So Ellersley it was, Ellersley Grace Deem, the most heavenly name. Grace was actually a Grandma Kolp, my mom, pick. She has always loved Grace but Wesley has never been a fan. Well, she said that way back in February when we conceived she felt like she heard from the Lord. We were sitting in church on a Sunday in February, now that I've had some time to think about it I'm pretty sure it was the week Wesley and I found out we were pregnant but hadn't yet shared it, and she felt God telling her that I was pregnant. That Sunday we started worshipping God and the song "My Grace is Enough" was what we were singing. Mom says that she felt that day that God told her we were pregnant and it would be a little girl and her name should be Grace. So...there wasn't much arguing with that, Grace it is Grandma...we love it and now it means much more than what Grandma originally thought it might mean. God knew that his grace would be enough to pull our broken hearts through the darkest hour.

We moved on to August and the excitement was growing as was the belly! We registered for our baby shower, we ordered the carpet for her room, and we were getting close to having the painting in her room finished. We set up our labor classes, our tour of the hospital and our baby basics class. Oh, we were pumped! Little Miss Elle's Party invites were sent out and we were discussing what her party would look like. The days were hot, the belly was huge and the feet were swelling but oh the JOY was overwhelming. Even as I write I cannot help but smile at the JOY that she brought every single day. We received a big package in the mail from Uncle Dan and Aunt Sara with more clothes than we could ever have imagined. I was in love with every single thing they had picked out just for Elle. Everything was so cute and we dreamt all week about what she would look like in all those new clothes.

Saturday August 13th was a day we had filled to the brim with all kinds of fun. The morning was full of baby shower shopping. We picked out table cloths and leis with hot pink flowers, we picked out center pieces and princess decorations. We had all kinds of gorgeous decorations, her party would have been the most beautiful party ever! I remember being pretty wiped out after that shopping trip, I came home and Wesley and I took a nap because later in the day held more fun. At about 4 pm we left with my family (Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Rob and Aunt Rachel) for a Carter's outlet store. We were shopping for Miss Honu! We had the best time picking out TONS of clothes for her, Grandpa has said that we were buying her birthday gifts and we didn't even know it. We picked out jammies and little teeny tiny outfits. She got outfits that talked about loving her aunt to bibs that said she was grandpa's little sidekick. She got a big winter vest and all kinds of colorful, beautiful outfits. They also hang in her closet...just waiting... We ended the night with dinner and that JOY in our hearts that we knew would never be squelched. Little did we know, our JOY would be coming soon...

Baby Honu 08-12-2011

   Wasn't she just gorgeous?not me
     but her...Oh how I loved that belly...

Elle's Mommy