Thursday, September 13, 2012

The way I see you...

Today is the 13th of September. I knew yesterday that it was coming but this morning when I woke up I had no idea that today it had been 13 months since you came and left all at once. I woke up bright and early and waited for my kids to get here. You know, Rozzy and Hunter...I am sure you have seen me rocking Rozzy to sleep and singing to her just like I longed to do with you. We had a good morning watching Baby Einsteins or is it Little Einsteins, I'm not sure. You would think I would know by now since I've probably seen it about 1.2 million times. Anyway, after Rozzy's nap we took a walk through our neighborhood. You and I and Daddy have walked these roads many times before; when you were a wild woman kicking away in my belly. On our walk today I was telling Hunter and Rozzy what a beautiful day it was and Hunter and I were admiring the gorgeous blue sky. I thought of you, of course, because the sky always reminds me of heaven and well, heaven always reminds me of you. When you came to mind I smiled and then my body ached for a minute...
Today is the 13th...
It has happened every month for a year now, I'm used to it's pang. So, I smiled softly and I kept on walking; just like Daddy and I have done for the past year. I thought about how this month we won't be sending balloons up to you; that made me kind of sad but also kind of happy. Happy that we did that every month for an entire year and sad that it's now over. It doesn't mean we won't remember you or that we won't ever send balloons don't get sad. It just means that life has moved forward and for that I am forever grateful. I must tell you that I had some feelings of relief. Relief that the grief is changing. The year of firsts is done and over. We won't have to go through our first Christmas without you again, we won't have to go through our first family get together without you, we won't have to go through our first Mother's Day without you or our first Father's Day without you. Those are all over and even though we will have to go through those days forever, I am hoping that they won't sting nearly as bad as that first time.
I was rocking Rozzy to sleep for her afternoon nap and I had a revelation and I know you probably already know what it is, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I was rocking her and singing to her and looking at all of your pictures that are hanging up in your room. I was thinking of you and what you would be like at 13 months. Then, I realized something. No longer do I think of you as that sweet, little, tiny baby we held 13 months ago for just a few hours. No longer do I think of you as not breathing and not crying and not moving. No longer do I think of you in that little, tiny box. No longer. When I say your name and when I see your face, I see Daddy and I down on our knees. I see a beautiful blue sky in a gorgeous, lush park. I see the greenest grass I've ever seen and beautiful trees and flowers everywhere. And then, I see you at maybe 3 or 4 years old and you are running as fast as you can. Your long, gorgeous, blond hair is down and going crazy in the wind. You are smiling and laughing and your big blue eyes are shining. You are running to us and your smile and laughter says that you can't wait to hug and kiss us. We are smiling and laughing with anticipation and when you finally get to us Daddy scoops you up and we kiss and hug and tickle you forever. That is what I see when I think of you, sweet girl. Thirteen months it has been...just one month closer to that blond, gorgeous hair, those shining blue eyes, that sweet little laugh and those big, fantastic hugs. We love you Ellersley the moon and back...

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Consistency of Change

We had a missionary couple speak at our church this past Sunday; they are missionaries to indigenous groups in Mexico.
"The only thing consistent in my life is change." she spoke to the crowd.
I laughed because well, that's hilarious. Then I realized that is my life, to a tee. We have discussed my hatred for all things change and if we haven't, we have discussed my love for all things control which basically means, I hate change. I haven't written in a while and well, I really have no excuse. The only one that I do have is a crappy one; I am a busy lady! Change has been a flowin' and I have tried my hardest to keep up and well, my writing got lost in the middle somewhere.
Let me give you an inside glimpse in bullets...
  • We celebrated Elle's 1 year in heaven- fabulous time but came with some emotions I did not expect; happiness, joy and a bit of relief. I am still trying to figure all those out and still love and cherish my beautiful baby.
  • We had to say goodbye to amazing friends; that I did blog about so no sense in reliving that mess
  • Wesley's job schedule changed back to afternoons which BLOWS...1 to 10 again...U G H
  • I started watching the most wonderful little lady 3 days a week...she's awesome but working again is taking some getting used to
  • We are elated to announce that we are officially filling out the mounds of paperwork for our first adoption. The smiles on our faces could not even be wiped off if anyone tried. This is fantastic but also a full-time job, for real.
  • We also just became youth sponsors and are helping lead our youth group since they are youth pastorless at the time being. This has been more amazing than we imagined it would be...the stress level and the fun level have been taken to new heights.
  • Wesley is also beginning to take some online classes for more knowledge about the bible and that is added happiness but also loss of control, money and the thought that we had a clue what God was planning to do with our lives.
  • Back to the adoption bullet...did I mention also a loss of money, control and the thought that we had a clue what God was planning to do with our lives? Yeah that applies here too...
  • My sister and her husband left us here in Ohio while they pursue God's call in Missouri...that is awesome and craptastic at the same time.
  • The Walk for the Angels is coming up and while I am not involved in the planning of this day whatsoever, it still stresses me out, because I'm a freak...let's all say it together.
  • And to top it all off, I have no time to spend with my nephews because I'm busy stressing about all this other stuff...and well, that just stinks. We facetimed the other day, even though they live like 10 minutes to the left of us, and Kyle said "You can come to our house, cuz we are here!" Oh, my love for them grows every day...and my heart breaks when I don't make time for them.
So, there is my whininess...aren't you happy you read today? You were looking for encouraging and uplifting and all you got was whining. :) So, just so you know all this change is turning out to be pretty awesome. God is moving and changing and whispering in ways that we never thought he would, ya think ya know a guy... I do want to encourage and uplift today so I will say this...embrace the change. Embrace it! It doesn't feel good, I know. I've had a lot of it but, it's good for you. God is creating something beautiful out of all the change that is going on around you and he is just so excited about it and He's waiting for you to get on board. It took me a few weeks to adjust but I am slowly starting to get it. It takes me a while, people.
Jeremiah 17:7 But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
Love this verse and love that Biblegateway capitalizes LORD...awesome! Change surrounds but I will trust in Him; He is my hope and my confidence. I love you guys and I miss you and I make no promises because well, life is crazy! :) I hope you are enjoying your journey as much as we are enjoying ours!
Thank you Lord for change... You know how many years it has taken for me to be able to say that. I love you and I pray for change in every reader's life. I pray you will cause change that will cause them to grow in leaps and bounds spiritually. You are so crazy and I love sitting back and watching all that you are orchestrating in each life. Keep me joyful, keep me peaceful and keep me humble...
Elle's Mommy