Monday, November 26, 2012

The Mysteries of My God

Life does not always go the way we's a running theme in this blog and if you've been here long enough you are probably tired of hearing it. Well...hear it again my friends, hear it again loud and clear. Most of the time I say it with a bit of sarcasm and bitterness in my tone but this morning at 6:26 am I say it with the utmost of joy and gratitude. Life does not always go the way we plan...

It all started on Thursday, November 1st. Our agency called to say that the birth mother who chose our family to adopt her baby girl had changed her mind. She wanted another family, ours was not enough. We were in the middle of packing our bags; we were in the middle of purple tubs full of pink clothes and pink towels and pink wash cloths and pink blankets and pink headbands and pink bows and pink tutus. We were ready for her, our family was ready, our friends were ready.

We were devastated but we took the blow and tried to remain standing. That same night our agency presented another birth mom who didn't know the gender of the baby she would be having in early January. They presented the details and asked if we would like to allow God to give us a chance at that baby. They said that this baby's mother didn't want to choose a family and the situation was basically ours if we wanted him or her. I hung up the phone and I tried not to cry but of course, the tears came. The anger and bitterness and sarcasm and questions over and over again. The agency sent the birth mother's info and I erased the email as soon as it popped up in our inbox. We didn't want gender unknown, we wanted a girl. Wesley came home from work that night and I was already asleep, he cried and prayed on his own.

The next morning we talked and we both decided that we wanted to be gender specific in our adoption and we called our agency and changed our stance to girl situations only. We got one call...for a baby girl that was born at 28 weeks but I knew my emotions would not be able to handle the road that little one would face. Twenty-eight weeks was before our Elle...the dangers of that were too much for my fried heart to handle. My poor Prince, he deals with a lot of fried emotions himself and mine to boot. So, we waited and waited. It felt like years but truly it was about a week. :) Patience...not a strong suit, remember?

We walked around our home and still prepared our room for a sweet little girl that we just knew would be coming soon. We bought pink curtains and we bought a nice changing table and we bought a vase with pretty flowers in it that light up. We girlied up the room pretty good.

Somewhere around the 15th or so of November, in the midst of all the girly stuff, we decided that being girl specific was just selfish. What if God really wanted to bless us with a sweet baby boy and we were too stuck in our girl ways to realize it? What if we missed out on a blessing because we thought we knew what was best? What if we tried to make our plan fit into God's plan instead of making His fit into ours? We called immediately and changed our plan...still not wanting to go full steam but we decided on girl or gender unknown.

My mom, being my mom, remembered the gender unknown baby we were offered that awful Thursday night and so we asked. "Oh, that baby was matched with a family yesterday, I am so sorry!" our agency said. But she had another gender unknown in Utah. So, we decided to present to the birth mother of that baby and our profile was sent to her. It was sent on Friday, November 16th, Wesley's 27th birthday. It was sent to the agency and then they would be mailing it out to her, she was due to receive it on Tuesday or Wednesday the following week. Follow...God's plan gets messy...

Friday night we went out to eat with Wesley's parents and my parents for his 27th birthday. Yay for birthdays! We talked and laughed and the discussion came to adoption. Wesley's dad talked and talked a lot about God's plan and how it can be a mystery and we never know how He will work. He brought up a family that he had encountered who knew a girl in our area who was thinking about adoption. "But, she is having a boy..." he said. We laughed and said that it didn't matter to us what the baby was, we thought our hearts were set on a girl but we had no idea the plan that God had. We walked away from that dinner and we decided to pursue this teenage young lady with a sweet baby boy.

Saturday came and so did a flood of emotions. Wesley was a mess, I was grouchy as ever and it was just not pretty in our home. We tried to relax our minds and not think about either situation we were being presented with but it is nearly impossible to do that. Sunday came and we had Thanksgiving dinner at our church. Praise God for something to get our minds off of adoption. During the dinner a tiny, sweet, blond teenage girl came over to us and said she had something to tell us. She was in from out of state, visiting with her family. She said "Hi, I am Elizabeth and I'm from West Virginia. I heard in church this morning that you guys are adopting and you need wisdom and strength and patience for the journey. I wanted to tell you about a couple in our church who had trouble getting pregnant and they decided to adopt. They went through the whole process and the waiting and eventually they were matched. They went to get their baby and after having him for 2 days the birth mother changed her mind and they had to give him back to her. It was absolutely awful but a month later they were called again and now their son is 2 months old and he's perfect and adorable and everything is so great. Please hold on, don't give up! It will happen, God has a great plan for you both." Seriously??? Where do these people come from, right? God is so C-A-R-A-Z-Y!!!

So...we straightened up a bit and got our bearings back and moved on with life. Monday came and with it came a call to a lawyer about private adoption. This situation was so far from happening but just in case God wanted to get crazy we had to be ready. So, just to make sure you are on board...we are anticipating our profile book being shown to a birth mama in Utah and we are calling a lawyer about a private adoption of a baby boy, oh that is due November 23rd... :) I forgot that part. Emotions on OVERDRIVE! So, the second I get off the phone with the lawyer in Ohio I get a call from our agency.

I said hello and I just heard laughing..."Ok, so, I have another situation for you guys..." My heart skipped a beat, and my breath caught in my throat. My blood pressure also probably rose to epic proportions, I do not handle stress well. I laughed and said, "oooook, I just got off the phone with the lawyer about this private adoption but what's up?"

The world went into slow motion as she told me about a baby boy that was born Sunday morning at 1:07am. He was 3lbs and 10oz and 16.5 inches long. He has a head full of brown hair and his birth mother was 31 weeks and 5 days when she delivered him. My head is spinning... Oh and remember the situation we offered you the night we called to say you lost that other situation? Yeah, that's this one...the family he was matched with backed out...they don't want him anymore and he can be yours if you say yes.

My skin, instantly, was red and blotchy...does your skin do that? because mine totally does when I am stressed to the maximum...

I got off the phone and called Wesley..."Soooo, what do you think?" I asked.

"I think yes...I think we should say yes..."

"I think so too..."


I called her back and told her yes and then I just laughed and laughed and wrote down as much information as I could about our little guy and his birth parents.
Elle and Isaiah's Mommy

Friday, November 2, 2012

Hold My Heart

Well, tonight was heart-wrenching.
One reason and one reason only.
She changed her mind.
The daughter that we thought we had, we no longer have.
Jesus...hold our heart...again...
One of my lovelies sent this song to me tonight...when I say my lovelies I mean one of you, our readers. It is perfect for tonight and for the moment that we are standing in right now. I cannot believe that we are standing here but none-the-less, we are and I suppose I should not be shocked. Pain, agony and destroyed dreams should be something I am used to by now, right? You must excuse my sarcasm (pride and anger) tonight, it is going to be flowing quite freely. If you are lucky, you will be saved from a cuss word or two also...I make no promises.
Guys...for real? Can I just get a big 'FOR REAL' please? This is just unreal... I am annoyed with God, He is annoying. I love Him, I love His plan, I KNOW it is perfect and I KNOW there is a gorgeous, sweet, beautiful baby somewhere in this world that belongs to us but HE IS STINKIN' IRRITATING! Why does He seem to feel that we can handle so much? Our emotions are just fried, completely fried.
I just thought of a friend, an almost family friend. She is going through one of the most torturous, heart breaking aches this life has to offer. Adultery. I bet she thinks God is pretty darn annoying right now. I bet she wonders why. I bet she cries at night because all of her dreams have been shattered. I bet her body aches for the warmth of another. I bet she wants to yell and scream all sorts of cuss words at the walls around her.
Thank you Jesus for putting my small, minute problems in perspective...Thank you for the month of November and all that it means regarding thankfulness. Thank you for a loving husband who, through adultery, came to know you and love you and respect me. Thank you for dreams, even ones that are sometimes shattered. Be with us tonight and be with this friend. Give her peace, Jesus. Lots and Lots of peace...Thank you Lord for always holding our hearts...
Elle's Mommy