We decided to take time this morning to pray and I need to thank you for revealing the deepest parts of my heart to me. I know it is not a gift that you give to everyone and sometimes I wish you wouldn't give it to me; but today...Thank You.
I have been ignoring you...ignoring you...now. After all of the good, after all that you have done, after all of the joy. You have been ignored and it hasn't been on accident. Something has been building and I have been wondering what was going on inside; in the deepest corners of my heart. Things went so fast...we were so ready and then all of a sudden we had to be ready because your gift was here. We loved and cherished our time with him and we still do but I am walking through the motions and not reveling in all you have given and today you told me why.
I am afraid, I am terrified and I am holding on to all the control I can muster up. Those feelings are still there, somewhere deep inside...you messed up last time. You screwed it up for us and I can't possibly trust you with this one. I can't let you help me and give me the strength I need, I can't be fully joyful because what if you see and you screw it up again. As if I have any say in what you decide. Jesus...I still can't trust you.
Today, I realized that we have been talking about dedicating Isaiah. I have just walked through the normal mommy motions when it comes to this, of course he will be dedicated. But, today I remembered that post about a year ago...the one where dedicating was so scary in my mind. I remembered that it still is. I am very afraid and that's what I've been doing since November 19th...I am too afraid to trust that you really gave this gift and that you aren't going to take it away. I am afraid that the pain and the turmoil and the ache will start all over again. I am too afraid to be vulnerable to you and to Isaiah and to anyone who wants to bless us. I am too afraid.
Jesus, please change my heart. I need your continued healing...here I thought I was all better. ;) I need you to open up my heart...come in and fill me with your love and your joy and your strength and your healing. I need you to soften me, to make me vulnerable again, I need to trust that you truly do all things well. All things. Jesus, bring true joy that is not stifled by fear...true love that is not stifled by fear...true peace that is not stifled by fear. I love you and thank you for your gifts; gifts wrapped in perfect little boy wonderfulness and gifts that reveal what is at the core of my being. I feel much better... :)
Elle and Isaiah's mommy