Fear

Jesus,

 

We decided to take time this morning to pray and I need to thank you for revealing the deepest parts of my heart to me. I know it is not a gift that you give to everyone and sometimes I wish you wouldn't give it to me; but today...Thank You.

 

I have been ignoring you...ignoring you...now. After all of the good, after all that you have done, after all of the joy. You have been ignored and it hasn't been on accident. Something has been building and I have been wondering what was going on inside; in the deepest corners of my heart. Things went so fast...we were so ready and then all of a sudden we had to be ready because your gift was here. We loved and cherished our time with him and we still do but I am walking through the motions and not reveling in all you have given and today you told me why.

 

I am afraid, I am terrified and I am holding on to all the control I can muster up. Those feelings are still there, somewhere deep inside...you messed up last time. You screwed it up for us and I can't possibly trust you with this one. I can't let you help me and give me the strength I need, I can't be fully joyful because what if you see and you screw it up again. As if I have any say in what you decide. Jesus...I still can't trust you.

 

Today, I realized that we have been talking about dedicating Isaiah. I have just walked through the normal mommy motions when it comes to this, of course he will be dedicated. But, today I remembered that post about a year ago...the one where dedicating was so scary in my mind. I remembered that it still is. I am very afraid and that's what I've been doing since November 19th...I am too afraid to trust that you really gave this gift and that you aren't going to take it away. I am afraid that the pain and the turmoil and the ache will start all over again. I am too afraid to be vulnerable to you and to Isaiah and to anyone who wants to bless us. I am too afraid.

 

Jesus, please change my heart. I need your continued healing...here I thought I was all better. ;) I need you to open up my heart...come in and fill me with your love and your joy and your strength and your healing. I need you to soften me, to make me vulnerable again, I need to trust that you truly do all things well. All things. Jesus, bring true joy that is not stifled by fear...true love that is not stifled by fear...true peace that is not stifled by fear. I love you and thank you for your gifts; gifts wrapped in perfect little boy wonderfulness and gifts that reveal what is at the core of my being. I feel much better... :)

 

Elle and Isaiah's mommy

Time...

Let me begin by apologizing...I have had ideas and thoughts and inclinations and aches to post and well, the time escapes me. I am trying to do way too many things and I have not made time for the thing I love very much and the outlet that God has given me. So, in light of that, get ready...cuz the thoughts are overflowing this evening and they may spill out in a very unorderly fashion.

 

It is almost Christmas...the jolliest time of year. I can't help but remember last Christmas; so very different from this Christmas. I, if you can imagine it, had been having some serious self-pity. Self-pity in the midst of all of the A M A Z I N G N E S S around me. Sometimes, most times, I despise the human side of me. I was self-pitying, as we affectionately call it, because we may not be home for Christmas. We are here, in Florida, at Christmas time. Have you ever been in Florida at Christmas time? It is, quite honestly, the most depressing place to be at Christmas time! :) It is 80 and the sun is shining and the breeze is blowing and it is not cold. There is no snow, there is no rain, there are no clouds, there are no gloves, there are no coats, there are no boots, no scarves and no hats. Santa and Frosty decorate yards with their sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts on...seriously, I am not lying.

 

So, one day as I was almost in tears over the fact that we may spend our first Christmas as a family of three away from the rest of our family, God decided to speak. I am pretty sure I was pumping ( breast pumping, that is, because I am trying to induce lactation which is the most non-fun process ever but fun at the same time because it's all for a sweet baby boy that you ALL should totally get to know because he is AWESOME). TMI I am sure...God speaks at weird times what can I say.

 

I thought about that last Christmas...the one that Elle should have attended. The one that was supposed to have red dresses and red bows and happy baby smiles and pretty baby earrings and little girl sweetness. I thought about the sadness that loomed over that day and how we smiled at the joy Jesus had given, but the darkness still tried to permeate. I remembered the ache and the tears that came when we got a chest with her name on it, a scrapbook of her life and when Grandma read the story that she picked out just for her. I remembered the pain, just for a moment.

 

Then, Jesus spoke.

 

Remember, Nicki, remember when all you had was 12 hours with her? Remember when you smelled her and snuggled her and stared at her and spoke to her and held her close? Remember when you knew you had to do all those things because soon your time would be up? Remember that time? I have given you this time because that time was cut so short. I have given you 4 weeks and counting with a precious gift. Four weeks to smell him, to snuggle him, to stare at him, to speak to him, to hold him close. I have given you the precious gift of time and I need you to realize it and appreciate it.

 

God is so...I have no words for you tonight. Well, apparently, I do but in regards to how incredible he is and how magnificent he is and how perfect his timing and planning and purposes are...I have none. I love him so and I cannot tell you how much this time has meant to Wesley and I. The timing of God's plan has been so perfect. We have been allowed by each of our employers to travel to Florida and to stay here as long as needed. We have no stress, no worry and so much support. We have been given a gift by our Lord and by our family and our friends. Thank you to each and every one of you for all you have given. We are in awe of you and all you have done and are doing, our words will NEVER be enough.

 

My sweet Jesus, thank you for time. Thank you for a precious baby boy that has a wildly beating heart, big beautiful eyes, pouty pink lips, a tiny nose and teeny ears. Thank you that we get to spend our days snuggling him. Thank you that Christmas this year will be full of J O Y even if it's celebrated away from the rest of our family. Thank you for keeping our Isaiah safe and warm and protected while we are away from him. Thank you for the life and dreams and plans you have for him. Thank you Jesus for that sweet baby girl that still teaches me a lesson or two on a daily basis. Give her some sweet kisses from Daddy, Isaiah and I...we love you and Merry Christmas Ellersley Grace...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elle and Isaiah's Mommy

Isaiah Samuel

Ecclesiastes 3:11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

 

Our Isaiah,

 

We could not see the whole scope of what God wanted to do. We were stuck on what we thought was best for our hearts; so much so that we could not even see you right in front of us. That day that you came into the picture was a hard day for Mommy and Daddy. Only seconds before you were mentioned our hearts were broken all over again. Another baby girl was ripped from us, no more bows and no more headbands. No more pink walls and no more tutus. We were devastated and we were angry and bitter, yet again. We were burnt and we weren't sure we wanted to even put our hand back toward the stove for another shot. We said no to you and we moved on. Isn't it amazing how God works...He always makes sure He gets His way and we are ever so grateful. I type this with tears today because I am so grateful that He gave us another shot to love you. He opened the door and gave us one more shot to say yes to loving our teeny, tiny chili pepper.

 

We can hardly put into words what you mean to us. You are the answer to a long awaited desire. You are the answer to years of prayers and you are the soothing ointment to a lot of scars. Our hearts were pretty broken when your sister left, she brought a lot of joy but she left a lot of pain. Since her death our hearts have been soothed by Jesus more and more each day. He has held us and given us joy through all of the painful moments. He has given more than we ever thought was possible after the death of a child; peace that is not comprehendable this side of heaven, joy and laughter overflowing every day, strength to overcome the sadness and patience to wait for his perfect timing. Then, He brought us you. I am trying to think of words to say...I am coming up empty. I am in awe, He has made me speechless.

 

You are perfect. You are our little chili pepper. You are joy. You are so cute. You are so warm. You are so alive. You are so sweet. You are hilarious. You love to scare mommy. You have the best smiles. You make the most amazing silly faces. You poop a lot. You spit up a lot. You love to snuggle. You are our tiny enchilada. You are so teeny. You love story time. You hate having your blood pressure taken. You have stolen our hearts. You are ours...

 

You are now two weeks old and we still cannot believe that you belong to us and that they will let us take you out of the NICU some day soon. I am pretty sure that day we will both be wondering when the security guards will come and stop us because this cannot really be real life. We spend most of every day with you. We let you sleep in your little incubator and sometimes we get to hold you. Those moments are like a far away dream...the world turns fuzzy and takes me back to that day with your sister; those moments that are also like a dream. I look down at your little tomato head and I remember hers. Her tiny head and her sweet smell. Your smell is fabulous in a different way, you are a boy and she is a girl...girls are just sweeter smelling, daddy will teach you all about that. I find myself watching you and making sure you are breathing. I hate that I do that and so does daddy but it is what it is. Daddy just keeps saying that he's so grateful that your heart is beating. He and I both love feeling it beating against our chest, one of the best feelings ever.

 

We are so grateful for you; Isaiah Samuel. You and all of your dinos, and blue hats, and football sleepers and blue blankeys. We never knew we loved blue so much...our hearts leap at the sight of it now. All this time we thought Jesus was growing love for a sweet baby girl and little did we know he had a great, big plan. He had love for us to take for a tiny, sweet, 3lb 10oz little guy. Our hearts have been growing and growing since we got the call to come get you...meeting you was the most surreal experience in our entire life. We couldn't stop smiling and I am sure you thought we were crazy! I am sure you remember but as soon as you saw us you raised both your arms up above your head, like you were doing 'SOOOOO BIG' just for us. You were waiting for us and oh we were waiting for you...what a moment that was for Daddy and I.

 

We love you our little chili pepper and we cannot wait to do all the things with you that we have been longing to do for many, many years. Jesus has made everything beautiful in his time and we could not be more ecstatic about it...

 

 

 

 

 

 

We love you to the moon and back sweet boy,

Mommy and Daddy