Saturday, December 29, 2012


We decided to take time this morning to pray and I need to thank you for revealing the deepest parts of my heart to me. I know it is not a gift that you give to everyone and sometimes I wish you wouldn't give it to me; but today...Thank You.
I have been ignoring you...ignoring After all of the good, after all that you have done, after all of the joy. You have been ignored and it hasn't been on accident. Something has been building and I have been wondering what was going on inside; in the deepest corners of my heart. Things went so fast...we were so ready and then all of a sudden we had to be ready because your gift was here. We loved and cherished our time with him and we still do but I am walking through the motions and not reveling in all you have given and today you told me why.
I am afraid, I am terrified and I am holding on to all the control I can muster up. Those feelings are still there, somewhere deep messed up last time. You screwed it up for us and I can't possibly trust you with this one. I can't let you help me and give me the strength I need, I can't be fully joyful because what if you see and you screw it up again. As if I have any say in what you decide. Jesus...I still can't trust you.
Today, I realized that we have been talking about dedicating Isaiah. I have just walked through the normal mommy motions when it comes to this, of course he will be dedicated. But, today I remembered that post about a year ago...the one where dedicating was so scary in my mind. I remembered that it still is. I am very afraid and that's what I've been doing since November 19th...I am too afraid to trust that you really gave this gift and that you aren't going to take it away. I am afraid that the pain and the turmoil and the ache will start all over again. I am too afraid to be vulnerable to you and to Isaiah and to anyone who wants to bless us. I am too afraid.
Jesus, please change my heart. I need your continued I thought I was all better. ;) I need you to open up my heart...come in and fill me with your love and your joy and your strength and your healing. I need you to soften me, to make me vulnerable again, I need to trust that you truly do all things well. All things. Jesus, bring true joy that is not stifled by fear...true love that is not stifled by fear...true peace that is not stifled by fear. I love you and thank you for your gifts; gifts wrapped in perfect little boy wonderfulness and gifts that reveal what is at the core of my being. I feel much better... :)
Elle and Isaiah's mommy


mkjartist40 said...

I think fully giving our children to God is one of the hardest things to do in a persons' spiritual walk.I have forever struggled with this with Sierra and the situation with her dad. Then someone asked me, can you really trust and believe that God will take care of Sierra? and the answer in my heart was no.So I worked on it,i prayed everytime the negativity and fear came in.... and every time she came home safely, i learned to trust a little more. Now my baby is about to graduate from High school and go off into the world. Maybe 12 hours away from me...and here it comes again: fear. what ifs flying through my brain: what if shes sick and needs someone to take care of her, what if she is sad, lonely, what if she needs me and I cant be there? and there that question is again: can I really trust and believe that God will take care of her? its hard. as a mother you never lose that need to care for....but trying to let my heart answer yes!!!! Love you girl!!!!

Keri Kitchen said...

Beautiful post. C.S. Lewis once wrote, "To love at all is to be vulnerable." Trusting can be scary when we realize (especially from experience) that the process can be painful. Praying you have peace!

Anonymous said...

Hey Nic.

Thank you for being real. Thank you for being willing to admit that there is a change that needs to happen that you cannot make happen. I can relate with you in the sense of the fear, although it may not have anything to do with a baby, it has so much to do with control. And even though I know that it has to do with the plan that God has for me, it still hurts and is exhausting and is so uncomfortable. My only recourse is the Word of God and His promises.

One thing that has been encouraging me is this, and I hope it encourages you. Faith is the substance of things that are UNSEEN. If we had the things promised, faith would no longer be needed and hope would not be hope.

Miss you both.

Hannah Rose said...

Thank you for your honesty, Nicki. I hope and pray you are feeling much better and that God has continued to work on your heart and taken away that fear! I am all caught up on your posts now and waiting on the next one. ;) Love!