Some mornings I turn on JJ Heller Radio on ITunes. It brings peace and calmness to our home and a spirit of joy and gratitude to my God for another day to breathe. Today I heard this song...
I have heard it before and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, "Wow, what a beautiful song..." I never really paid that close attention to it but today as it came on tears came to my eyes as my heart, for the first time, heard the words that she was actually singing.
I know that you are for me I know that you are for me I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now even if to write upon my heart to remind me who you are
He is for us and he speaks in the little, every day moments just to remind us of that fact. He has come now just to write upon my heart and remind me of who He is. Sometimes I forget. I forget who he really is. I forget that I don't know all of Him. I forget that He is so much more complex than the box that I try to fit Him in. I forget that He knows a lot more than I do. I forget that he not only loves me but he loves everyone just as much as He loves me. I forget that His mercy and His grace is never-ending. I forget that He has called me mighty. I forget that He has made me His daughter. I forget that He is my beloved. I forget.
Thank you for the reminder today, Jesus. Thank you. Thank you that you are for me. Thank you for not forsaking me in my weakness. Thank you for writing on my heart. Thank you for reminding me of who you are. I will sing this song to you all day today to remind you and to remind me that you are for me. You fought for me. You died for me. You love me. I love you. Thank you seems to not ever be enough...
I took some amazingly adorable photos of a few of my Valentines this past weekend and well, they are begging desperately to be shared. Since I have been in a funk the past few days these have given me extreme joy...I hope they do the same for you! I hope that all of you had a fantabulous Valentine's day and shared the love that this world needs!
Much love and enjoy!
Elle and Isaiah's mama
Our Isaiah Sammy...the hair is on the edge of I-desperately-need-a haircut-but-my-mom-is-too-afraid-of-change and I-am-rockin'-that-messy-celebrity-look...
he makes my soul happy
he was in love with his bag of goodies
of course being in love naturally means eating the goodies inside
awesome
I just love this...I may want it blown up and framed
You see my tears...the ones that fell today and the ones that I somehow managed to keep inside. Today was a hard day and I did not like it. Somehow, it seems like the blows just keep coming and I have nothing left to do but crumble. Is that what you want? You want a crumbled mess? I have no idea how it happened or why it happened but when you let Ellersley leave it brought a whole mess of insecurity. Insecurity in who I am, who you want me to be, how you want me to be, where you want me to be and what all of that is supposed to look like in every day life. I walk around in a haze, wondering if I'm ever enough for anyone else let alone you. I wonder if I'll ever be enough...
Will I ever be enough? I give my time, I give my love, I give my family, I give myself...will I ever be enough? Am I supposed to be enough or am I supposed to just give you? When I give me am I giving you? All of this is so confusing. I say it all the time, my identity is in Christ. Do I know what that means? Do I know that it means that my life is not measured by others but it's measured by you? Do I know that you are my joy? Do I know that you are my confidence? Do I know that I stand at the end of every day because of you? Do I know that every time I speak life into someone else it's giving glory to you? Do I know that when I give of myself and my family and my time and my love that I am really giving you? Do I realize this?
Some days are full of joy and some days are full of horrendous pain. Pain that makes me question every single part of my life; my life as a wife, my life as a mother, my life as a woman, my life as a Jesus chaser, my life as a leader, my life as a friend, my life as a daughter, my life as a sister, my life as an aunt...This has never been my reality, Jesus, and I am having a very difficult time navigating it. I suppose I am being a massive drama queen but this life of insecurity sucks. This is not a fun ride and I must say that I want off and I want off right now. I want you to make it stop. I want to stop caring what everyone thinks except you. I want to stop listening to the voice of the enemy. I want to stop being so concerned about me and start being concerned about you. I want to stop. I want you to make it all stop. I want you to tell me that you made me perfectly and wonderfully. I want you to tell me all the things I tell teenage girls every week...
You are beautiful You are wanted You are mine You are a precious gift
You were made for a purpose You were made fearfully and wonderfully You are lovely
Your identity is in me Your joy is in me Your confidence is in me You are my beloved
You are enough because of me
Tonight, I am broken and I suppose that is just what you want. You want me to continually be broken before you. A vessel that is always shattered and willing to inspect what is truly at the core of my being. A vessel that is willing to continually be rebuilt with the characteristics and qualities of the everlasting father. Thank you for choosing me. I hate it, to just be blatantly honest. Well, I hate it today, but as you say...tomorrow is a new day and your mercies are new every single morning. Hallelujah for that. I'm listening to this song tonight and it fits perfectly...
I've seen joy and I've seen pain
and on my knees, I call your name
Here's my broken Hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to you
here's my broken
here's my broken Hallelujah
So, here's my broken hallelujah...take it tonight and tomorrow, help me rebuild it so that it will look more like you with each new day. I love you and thank you for choosing me...
We were at the kitchen table for breakfast, Isaiah and I. Wesley was getting ready for his day while I sang songs to Isaiah and fed him some oatmeal in between. Wesley leaned over me smiling and talking to Isaiah and I watched Wesley and smiled. I leaned in and kissed his cheek and then I looked at Isaiah. I expected him to be looking at Daddy in wonder, which is his usual gaze. Instead, he was staring at me with this look of concentration in his eyes.
He was studying me...
He was watching me...
He was catching the look in my eye as I looked at his Daddy...
He saw that kiss...
He saw the smile...
And then I realized...
He is studying and he will be until the day he leaves this home. I looked in his eyes and I smiled as he threw his head back and smiled his toothy grin.
I am the model. I am the one who will show him how to choose a wife. He will choose one like me. He will choose one that acts the way I act. He will choose one that treats him the way I treat his Daddy. He will choose one who loves the way I love. He will choose one and he will base his vision of what one should be on what I am.
That is terrifying.
I cried.
I cried because it's just not possible that my baby will ever grow up. It cannot happen. I will be the first mom to actually make time stop, I am determined. I cried also because...are you kidding me? I cannot possibly be the model. I can't be the example. I am so very unworthy of this title; of this position that God has given me. I cannot possibly lead him in the right way. I do not have the characteristics I should have. I do not take care of my husband the way that I should. I do not hold harsh words. I do not put him first most days. I do not give unselfishly. I do not hold him in high esteem as I should. I am so very unworthy.
I read an article the other day about this very topic. It's been on my mind ever since and it is probably the reason that I made this connection and realization this morning. The article was all about mommies and how mommies were wives first. That you fell in love with a man and for a while it was just you and him. He was your all; the focus of your day, the laughter in the deep, the excitement of your life. It talked about not losing that in the midst of an insane day which turns into insane weeks and insane months and then insane years.
Today, I am broken over the way that my son will view marriage. This world is destroying it minute by minute. They are turning it into something it was never meant to be and I am determined (just as determined as stopping time) that in our home the view will be different. Our son will know how to choose a wife that is full of respect, full of grace, full of love, full of compassion and full of forgiveness. One that holds her tongue and quiets her voice. One that is loving and kind, sweet and repentant. I must be this...I must do it for my husband first and then I must do it for my son. I am sad that it has taken a child in our home for me to come to this realization but I cannot change the past, I can only repent and move forward with Jesus by my side.
He will choose based on me and mamas, your baby boys will choose a spouse based on you. Live up to the challenge. Be the woman to your man that you want your son to have. Now, when those harsh words come up so quickly I will think twice about holding them. Not only do I love my husband and am I doing it for him because I love him but I am a role model for little ears and little eyes that are listening and watching. I hold a very weighty responsibility in my hands and I am choosing to run with it and change the view of marriage for our children. Marriage will equal kind words, soft voices, hugs and kisses, smiles and forgiveness when mistakes are made...
Our home will be different than this world...
My future daughter-in-love,
I must confess to you that after 14 months of our son's life this is the first time I have ever thought about you as a very real part of our lives. I have not prayed for you as I should; I haven't even imagined you in my mind. For that I am sorry and I hope to change that. I want you to know that I love you and I haven't even met you and won't, hopefully, until my son is at least 35. I want you to know that I will try my best. I will try to model a loving, patient, forgiving and compassionate wife. I will try to model Jesus. I will give my all in hopes that when he is choosing you he will look for those things. All I can say is please be Jesus to him and do it from the very beginning. I have wasted so many years. I have allowed Satan to deceive and steal so much because of my need for control. Let Jesus be your guide and show him love and grace when he needs it most. Show forgiveness when needed. Show repentance and humbleness. Say sorry and ask for forgiveness when necessary. Show respect and keep the harsh words to yourself. It won't be easy and failing will be necessary to learn some things...it's ok...we will give grace and so will he. Our son will choose you and therefore, so will we. We will model a marriage for him; one of love, forgiveness and some mighty strength. We will model Jesus and we hope and pray that God will fill your marriage with the same mercy and grace he has given to ours... Elle and Isaiah's mommy
