Sunday, February 16, 2014

A broken hallelujah

You see my tears...the ones that fell today and the ones that I somehow managed to keep inside. Today was a hard day and I did not like it. Somehow, it seems like the blows just keep coming and I have nothing left to do but crumble. Is that what you want? You want a crumbled mess? I have no idea how it happened or why it happened but when you let Ellersley leave it brought a whole mess of insecurity. Insecurity in who I am, who you want me to be, how you want me to be, where you want me to be and what all of that is supposed to look like in every day life. I walk around in a haze, wondering if I'm ever enough for anyone else let alone you. I wonder if I'll ever be enough...
Will I ever be enough? I give my time, I give my love, I give my family, I give myself...will I ever be enough? Am I supposed to be enough or am I supposed to just give you? When I give me am I giving you? All of this is so confusing. I say it all the time, my identity is in Christ. Do I know what that means? Do I know that it means that my life is not measured by others but it's measured by you? Do I know that you are my joy? Do I know that you are my confidence? Do I know that I stand at the end of every day because of you? Do I know that every time I speak life into someone else it's giving glory to you? Do I know that when I give of myself and my family and my time and my love that I am really giving you? Do I realize this?
Some days are full of joy and some days are full of horrendous pain. Pain that makes me question every single part of my life; my life as a wife, my life as a mother, my life as a woman, my life as a Jesus chaser, my life as a leader, my life as a friend, my life as a daughter, my life as a sister, my life as an aunt...This has never been my reality, Jesus, and I am having a very difficult time navigating it. I suppose I am being a massive drama queen but this life of insecurity sucks. This is not a fun ride and I must say that I want off and I want off right now. I want you to make it stop. I want to stop caring what everyone thinks except you. I want to stop listening to the voice of the enemy. I want to stop being so concerned about me and start being concerned about you. I want to stop. I want you to make it all stop. I want you to tell me that you made me perfectly and wonderfully. I want you to tell me all the things I tell teenage girls every week...
You are beautiful         You are wanted        You are mine       You are a precious gift
You were made for a purpose         You were made fearfully and wonderfully        You are lovely
Your identity is in me        Your joy is in me      Your confidence is in me     You are my beloved
You are enough because of me
Tonight, I am broken and I suppose that is just what you want. You want me to continually be broken before you. A vessel that is always shattered and willing to inspect what is truly at the core of my being. A vessel that is willing to continually be rebuilt with the characteristics and qualities of the everlasting father. Thank you for choosing me. I hate it, to just be blatantly honest. Well, I hate it today, but as you say...tomorrow is a new day and your mercies are new every single morning. Hallelujah for that. I'm listening to this song tonight and it fits perfectly...
I've seen joy and I've seen pain
and on my knees, I call your name
Here's my broken Hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to you
here's my broken
here's my broken Hallelujah
So, here's my broken hallelujah...take it tonight and tomorrow, help me rebuild it so that it will look more like you with each new day. I love you and thank you for choosing me...

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