Gratitude

So, before we move on to the night of the 13th I just want to say a few more things about our Jesus, our baby Honu and our life together. First of all, it seems my entire life has been one big game of God teaching and me learning. I grew up thinking I would be the perfect wife and the perfect mommy. I thought I had been given all the love I would ever need and I would be able to give it away, freely, to others. I found a life and a journey that has followed a very different path. A path full of love, always, but love in a very different way than what I ever could have imagined. My journey as a wife started with guarded love, controlling love and eventually a relationship that wasn't love at all. God showed me His love, slowly and painfully. He opened my eyes to see that I was not the perfect wife. I learned that my trust should be in Him and Him alone. I could not rest in any person on this Earth. My rest and peace and comfort and trust was only to be in Him. In looking back over my notes from my counseling during that time of our life I found this verse. It is one I held onto then and I'd forgotten it but there are now tears in my eyes as I read it. God is all we need...

Jeremiah 17:5-8 This is what the Lord says: "Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green and they never stop producing fruit.

Let's go over that last part one more time...THEY NEVER STOP PRODUCING FRUIT...never. It surely does not feel like we are producing any fruit at this point in our lives but God is ever-present. He is pulling the fruit out of us because we are trusting in Him. It's the only place we know to go. Now, after what has happened with our Ellersley, I find it so very difficult to know how to love her. Something I NEVER imagined in my days of dreaming of her. I knew that would be the ONE thing I could do, I would know how to love her. That love that I thought would always come so easily and freely now comes with much sorrow and pain. Not so easy and not so free. But my Bible says that 'Perfect love casts out all fear'. The love of my Jesus has been showing me that my fears of not loving her adequately are from one place and one place only. And that is not a happy place. Another scripture I just found...

1st peter 1:5-9 And through your faith God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see. So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.

There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. One day our love for her will be whole and complete all because of Jesus. Our love will NEVER be severed by the hands of death. We will live in love with her, forever. I am listening to a song right now...Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman...

Grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace move our hearts to hear a single beat between alibis and enemies tonight...or maybe not, not today peace might be another world away and if that's the case...we'll give thanks to You with gratitude for lessons learned in how to trust in You, that we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream in abundance or in need and if You never grant us peace, but Jesus would You please...

Thank you Lord for our story. Our story of love, our story of lies, our story of control, our story of trust, our story of life and our story of death. Thank you for lessons learned in how to trust in You. Thank you for this blog and for the hearts that it is touching. I can't believe what You have done Jesus, You are a magnificent God. Thank you for using an empty vessel. Thank you for filling us with fruit and pulling it out at any chance you get. Our lives are Yours and You know how difficult that is to say. Jesus, thank you for taking care of our baby Honu and giving her all the things that she needs. Thank you for your gifts. Our lives will be yours until that wonderful JOY that is ahead. Our hearts and minds cannot imagine that JOY...