Monday, February 13, 2012

Dear Ellersley

Today is your half birthday. I know to most people half birthdays are not very important but 6 months is a pretty big deal in the life of a wee one. I remember when Carter turned six months old. We bought him a present and we took it over that night and celebrated the first six months of his little life. Six months of soft skin, tiny cries and tons of smiles. Six months of naps on the couch together and lots of hugs and muahs ( in our family muahs are kisses, ya know like MUUUUAH, the noise you make when you are kissing someone...well some people make it! :) ).

Six months is a big deal. I look at other six month old babies that I know and I try to imagine what you would be doing. You, more than likely, would be rolling over, smiling a lot, crying when strange people hold you, trying some pureed food, telling lots and lots of stories, and most likely falling asleep with Daddy in the recliner for a Sunday afternoon nap. You would probably wake up in the morning with a big smile on your face and be kicking those long legs of yours. You would probably have a big indent around your little head from all the headbands I would make you wear. You would love them of course, like I tell Daddy, "It's painful to be beautiful." You would be loved to the moon and back a billion times over just like you are now. You would be Daddy's girl and Mama's very best friend.

Today, Daddy and I will take six balloons to the cemetery and we will send them up to you. You must be collecting them by now since we send some to you every month. I often wonder if you will have a big bouquet of balloons in your hand when we see you in heaven. :) Daddy and I wish that today your aunts and uncles were coming over to give you lots of presents and to give you big girl hugs and muahs. We wish that we were celebrating all the developmental milestones you have hit and all the fun we have had with you in the past 6 months. We wish we were watching your birth story and remembering what a joyous day it was.

Instead, today we will be celebrating our love for you and we will be remembering all the joy you brought to our lives for the 7 months and 1 week and 1 day that you were living inside of me. It's definitely something to celebrate but let's be honest, it would be a lot more fun if you were here. Daddy and I have been having a really tough time lately. We've just been sad and we are not sure how to fix it. We just miss you and it just plain sucks. That's all we can say; there is nothing else to say. No other explanation, no other details needed, it just sucks. I probably shouldn't say that word to you, chalk it up as my first mistake as a mommy. I'm sure there will be more, maybe :).

I love you and today I want you to know that I am so proud of you. I am so proud to be Ellersley Grace's mommy. I am proud to tell people your name, even if they can't pronounce it and don't like it. I am proud to tell the story of your big life. I am proud to wear a pin with your picture on it. I am proud to remind people of the sacredness of life and proud to tell them why I think life starts the second that stick shows two pink lines. I am proud to remind everyone that children are a blessing from the Lord. I hope that your Daddy and I are a forever reminder to all those who know about you that life is precious and it can be taken in an instant. Some days I'm sad that we are that reminder for people and I wish our sadness wasn't forced upon them but it is and most days I'm happy to wear it. I wear it proudly, not as sadness, but as joy that life begins in the womb. Your life began that cold February day and we were forever changed. Today we celebrate that; we celebrate your life. It was short but it was full. Full of the love and joy of Jesus; fuller than most know in a lifetime. You were one blessed little lady and you made us two very blessed parents. We love you sweet girl and we miss you to the moon and back a billion times over...

Sweet dreams sweet Honu,

Mommy and Daddy


Kim and Mat said...

I wish we would have been coming over to celebrate Miss Elle's 6 month bday too :) love you and pray that you will be able to soon tell Miss Elle that she is going to be a big sister. God's timing is perfect and Miss Elle is perfect and your love for her is perfect. I'm always here for you!

Patti said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. My heart goes out to you, Mama. One of my blogging friends has a blog devoted to the loss of her baby girl as well- I think it might minister to you as well.