Saturday, April 21, 2012


What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?

This week as I was on my way to work a song came on the radio. This song is a very significant song to many people but also to our family. This song was played at our sweet baby girl's funeral. This song closed a chapter in our lives that we wish had never been opened. I remember the first time I heard this song and I cried and smiled the entire way through the whole song. It was probably around June or July and I was pregnant with Ellersley. I cried because of what God had planned for our life. I cried for all the people I knew at that time that were surrounded by circumstances that they did not understand. I cried for what God had given Wesley and I and the miracle he had made out of our marriage. I cried for the blessing we had been given in Ellersley and how hard it was to finally get her here. I cried because Jesus had been with us all the way and he had created in a us a deeper need for him through all of the pain we had been through. I cried for our previous pain and the blessings that God created because of it. My heart was so full that the tears just kept coming.

When our conversations turned to planning a funeral for our dead daughter, I'm pretty sure this song was the first thought in my head.

"What about that Blessings song?" I said to Wesley and the tears quickly followed for both of us.

We knew that it was perfect and God knew all along what that song would come to mean to us. It would be a soothing ointment to us and our entire family. A promise from God that our greatest disappointment in this life would reveal in us a greater thirst for things that are not of this world. I know that this may be controversial to say right now but I must tell you that I believe it with my whole heart; God meant for Ellersley to be here for only 7 months 1 week and 1 day. I have wrestled with this; my teaching for 20 years, what God's word says, what others say, what my heart says. As I was in the car listening to this song that line came through loud and clear. . .

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?

Instantly the tears came and the goosebumps, God just works that way.

All I wanted is for you to have a greater thirst for me, Nicki. I was just trying to create in you a deeper need and desire for things that are not of this world. All I want for you and for your family is for you to have a greater desire for eternity with me...

Someone that Wesley and I trust and respect very much told us not far from Elle's birth that God planned this and God knew it was going to happen and God wanted it to happen. I love this man with all of my heart and soul. He was one of the many men that put my husband back together the way God wanted him put back together. I will love him forever but I must tell you that in that moment I kind of wanted to hit him, just a little bit. I wanted to scream and run and tell him no and that he was wrong and he was lying. I wanted to tell him that God would never do that.

I was wrong. I am still trying to understand every part of what he said but it is becoming more and more clear to Wesley and I that this was God's plan. This was not Satan's plan...his plan was to rip Elle from our lives, for sure, but his plan was not for this blog to be written. His plan was not for over 100 people to come to Elle's funeral and hear all about Jesus and how he holds us in the palm of his hand. His plan was not for Elle's beautiful little face to be all over our local newspaper's website. His plan was not for so many people to be inspired by our story and to tell us DAILY how God is changing them because of Elle and because of Jesus. His plan was not for a woman from Wisconsin to email me and tell me that her Pastor read our story to their congregation on a Sunday morning. His plan was not for us to be encouraged by other mama's who have lost their babies and his plan was not for us to not lose hope.

God's plan so does not look like ours. He does not see pain like we see pain. He sees the blessing when we see the pain. He sees the joy in the midst of the sorrow. He sees the healing in the midst of the hurt. He sees the miracle of love when your baby is not breathing. He sees all the souls that one tiny, little, 2lb 9oz baby girl can reach. He sees a little pain now but he knows that the joy is coming in the morning. He sees the desire for things that are not of this world and that's all he wanted to do.

My cousin sent this verse to me after our recent miscarriage and I cried as I read it. Then, Dan, my father-in-law, read it on a Sunday morning recently. God is growing a deep desire in us for a place that holds all of our hopes and all of our dreams . . . I can't wait to get there!

John 14:1-4
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Jesus, thank you for blessings. Blessings that come in the form of raindrops. Blessings that bring change where change is needed. Thank you for creating a deeper desire in Wesley and I and our families for you and an eternity spent with you and Elle and our newest love. Thank you for growing us and changing us and not allowing us to stay stagnant. Thank you for people who speak your truth into our lives, blessings, each and every one of them. Thank you for pain and the fact that it reminds us every day that this horrible place is not our home. We cannot wait to see the place that you have prepared for us. Thank you for our greatest disappointments and the aching of this life...keep healing them Jesus and help us to keep our eyes focused on eternity with you...

Hello to any newbies coming over from Kelly's Korner or any other place! We welcome you and pray you will be blessed by Jesus and our little Miss Elle today. Any baby loss mama's that don't know, Kelly's Korner had a great link-up on Friday...go there and join in the link-up to meet a lot of other mama's like us. Link-up, haha look at me go... :) I now know what a link-up should be proud :)

Elle's Mommy


Hannah Banana said...

Thank you for visiting.

Hoping to get to know you better soon.

And I LOVE that Laura Story song!!!

The Kimmels said...

Came over from Kelly's sorry for the loss of your daughter. Some of your thoughts sound so similar to mine. I wrestled for a long time that this was God's plan, that it wasn't an accident. It's so hard to understand, but God IS in control. Oh, and I LOVE this song. I listen to it on repeat constantly. Hugs to you,

Emily Joy said...

Hi Nicki! Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog. From what I have read here so far you are an amazing woman with an amazing story to share...thank you for sharing it. And your precious Ellersley is a special and beautiful little girl. I will be praying for you as you walk this path of grief. Your faith and perspective and our Lord will carry you. Books don't "fix" anything, there is often nothing to "fix" in the face of great loss, but a book that made a big difference in my life after losing our baby boy at 18weeks was Nancy Guthrie's "Holding On To Hope". I think it would make a big impact on your life too. Blessings to you and your husband!

Amanda Faith said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your Daughter.

This is such an amazing song. All of her songs are, but I love this one the most.

Trennia said...

I am visiting from Tesha's link up.
That is a beautiful song.

Jennie said...

I found you from Tesha's link up. I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I just read the story of your sweet little Ellersley with tears in my eyes. Its a very touching story. My baby girl Teagan was born just 4 days before Elle, via emergency c-section also. She wasn't able to live long either.
Thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing Elle's story with us. I love her name, Ellersley! I wanted to share this worship song with you, it has really blessed me and I thought it might bless you too (you've probably heard it before). Praying for you!