Thursday, December 15, 2011

She's Not Here

Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that I forgot to schedule newborn pictures or that we have to get our Christmas card done or that I didn't schedule her an appt with her doctor. It happened to me a few times in the hospital those first few days following her birthday, "OK OK well did you call the insurance company because we have to add her to our insurance." I said it over and over a few times trying to make my husband understand. He finally looked at me and said, "Baby, no we don't need to add her to our insurance, she's not here."

She's not here . . .Today the tears flow freely and I don't know how to get them to stop. I don't know that I want them to stop. They are tears for her, tears because she's not here. She's not here and she never will be. It's weird because we have been told over the past 4 months that there are certain stages of grief. We are told that one of them is bargaining. I found it strange when someone said that to us...well duh I know God won't give her back. But, I find myself trying anyway. Not that I really say 'ok God if I do this then you can give her back.' No, I find myself saying 'ok it's been long enough now. We are stronger, we learned what we needed to,'s time now for you to give her back.' Some days now I wake up feeling like Oh it was a dream, Thank God it was a dream. But, it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare, that's what it was. A real life, true to the core nightmare.

We went to a psychologist last night, not by choice. :) We had to, for work related reasons...but we went and it was interesting. The man had a lot of good things to say and some strange things but he made me think a lot about how to grieve well and how to leave a dead child dead. Saying that makes me want to puke a little but let's be honest that's what she is. She's dead. She's not breathing, she's not alive, she's not here. He talked about parents that he's seen that have not grieved well and years later are still sobbing over the loss of that child and still throwing birthday parties in their honor. I sat listening and wondering to myself if this older gentle man had ever endured the loss of a child. How does he know what grieving well means? How does he know that throwing birthday parties for a dead child is not grieving well? Does he know what shattered dreams are? Does he know how impossible it is to let those go? Does he know how to love a child that is no longer here? Does he know how to focus on the great bonding moments that we did have instead of the tragic night she left us? I just's so easy to say but not so easy to do. So, today I just wonder what our lives will look like in the future. What will we tell our other children? How will we share the wonder and the joy of Ellersley with them? Will we have birthday parties for a child gone too soon? What will her non-existent life on this planet look like? Will there be other children? So many questions...I hate questions...I love answers...*sigh*

So, have you ever seen Tangled? My husband and I are a strange couple...we love Disney movies. We watched Tangled with our nephews about a month after Ellersley passed away and we were hooked. We ended up buying it and we watch it a lot. If you have seen it, you know it's about Rapunzel, the lost princess. Wesley and I have decided that this movie is about our lost princess, Princess Ellersley. She's been taken from us and she is lost and this life feels like a never-ending search for her. Is that her in that 4 month old baby? Is that her running through Wal-mart with the blonde hair and blue eyes? Is she the tiny butterfly that hung around our house until it got too cold? We look for her everywhere we go and sometimes God will allow the wind to blow and there she is. She's in the wind with Jesus, whispering that she's just fine. She's just a whisper away and she can't wait to see us. She's here. She's not gone, not too far. She can't be held but oh she can be felt. Her love and her joy surrounds us in those moments. Some days it's so hard to feel it but some days it's so evident.

My little hubby loves Tangled. He watches it and dreams of his sweet baby girl. Will she have big beautiful eyes like Rapunzel? Will she have long, gorgeous blonde hair? What will that moment be like when we finally can run to her? Will an angel come and just give us that look and we will know it's time? Will we run to a big door that she is behind? Will we pause and praise the One who held us all this time? Will we stare at her, in awe of her beauty? Will we just run to her and wrap her with all the love we've been holding in just for her? The dreams of a Daddy. . .

Today my heart is heavy for our loss but also for all of those that have fallen into our lives that have also had a loss recently. There are too many to name, one is too many. I pray that Jesus will hold you as he holds your little one. I pray that his comfort will be your peace of mind and that your memory will be full of the joyous, loving memories and not the devastating tragedies. I pray that Jesus will be near, that his love will bind up all of your wounds. I pray that you will have hope that one day you will dance the streets of heaven with your teeny tiny sweet one. I pray that you will understand the love that Jesus wants to give to each of us. I pray that you will fall in love with Jesus, the baby that came so long ago, so that all might be saved.

I'll leave you with a story about our nephews, what would a post be without a good story about them? So they were at our house for our Christmas Monday and a song came on the radio. They had been learning some songs at church for their Christmas program and this particular song that came on the radio, they knew. Carter looked at me and said "Hey, we know this song..." I said "Oh yeah, well sing it for me..." So he started singing along with the radio..."Hark the herald Angels sing, glory to the Newport King..." I wish I had a video...why didn't I take video? I said "The Newport King? No honey it's newborn king. A newborn is a baby and that's what baby Jesus was...he came to us as a baby so he was a newborn king..." Carter looks at me stumped and says, "Oh OK well I always thought it was a Newport king..." Oh man, kids! Not sure what a Newport King is but apparently He's a pretty important should get to know him...

Blessings to you and yours,

Elle's Mommy

1 comment:

Rebecca "Tamiz" Adkisson said...

Somehow I've missed following your blog, and I think I've started at the end... but now I'll just have to make time and start at the beginning. So proud of the two of you. Can't wait to see your ashes turned to beauty!