Dear Mr. Deem

We are in the throws of the 1 year anniversary of conceiving our sweet Elle. You and I have been having a rough go since about the middle of January and we are just now starting to figure out why. Our bodies are tired, our eyes are swollen and our hearts are aching. We did not know that her half birthday would mean brokenness all over again. I am writing to you today to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am that we must trudge this deep, dark trench together. We have loved each other for over 10 years now and that is just a plum miracle. I love your silliness, I love your calmness, I love your giggles, I love your dancing, I love your kisses, I love your holds, I love your big smile, I love your loyalty, I love your clear blue eyes, I love that Elle looks like you, I love your weird feet, I love your ability to do all things well, I love your patience, I love the songs you write, I love the way you sing, I love the way you play your guitar, I love your willingness to serve, I love the way you love Jesus, I love the way you love me...I love you. We have had many opportunities in our marriage to not love each other, too many if you ask me. Satan has thrown just about any thing he can at us in the short 10 years we have loved each other. We have survived...control, anger, hate, lies, depression, lust, adultery, selfishness, laziness, rage, self-pity, the black abyss, confusion, great loss, more confusion, more depression, intense sadness, more anger, more rage, seclusion...this list is too long. I can honestly say to you, my love, that I have loved every minute of it because I have endured it all with you beside me. We have gained so much from our 10 years loving each other...patience, love, understanding, perseverance, endurance, gratitude, loyalty, joy, healing, happiness, self-control, a complete relationship with Jesus, compassion, courage...this list also could go on and on. I am so thankful to God for what he has given me in you. You have become my Prince Charming, it did not happen right away but the wait has been worth it. You have taken care of me and treated me like your princess, trying to win over my heart. You have cherished me and my love; you have loved me for better and for worse. You make my juices in the morning and most of the time pack my lunch when I'm just too tired to do it. You step up to take over the mountain of laundry when I have let it go too long and you do the same with the dishes. You take care of the dogs because, well, I hate them. :) You manage the money well so that someday my lifelong dream of being a stay at home mommy can happen. You hug and kiss me before I leave and hug and kiss me when I come back. You work hard for our family and never complain about it. Your write beautiful songs for me and sing them to me with that love in your eyes. Did I say you are my Prince Charming? :) I love you more today than I did that first day 10 years ago. We have become one. We thought we knew what that meant when we got married 6.5 years ago but we had no idea. Our oneness has come through all of our pain. When I am down, you are up and when you are down, I am up. When I am mad, you are happy. When you are full of sadness, I am full of the Joy of the Lord. We complete each other, we are one. I need to tell you that I am so sorry that this time has come into our lives. We never thought that God would have this planned for us, well I didn't and I'm sure you didn't either. I want to thank you for staying, thank you for not bailing on me. There are a lot of men who would run; run away from the emotions, run away from the pain and run away from the difficulty. You have stayed and you have been a solid rock for our family. It has been difficult for you lately and I want you to know that Jesus and I are your rock. You can lean on us. We have been there from the beginning and we will be there in the end when our little girl runs to us. She is so proud of the man you are, she is showing you off to everyone in heaven. She gathers a crowd on Sunday mornings when you lead our church in worship and praise to Jesus. She laughs at all of your silliness during the evenings. She smiles when you smile and she cries when you cry. She is the sweet warm wind that blows in the summer and she's in the beautiful moon that shines in the winter. She is the pretty butterflies that follow us around and she's in the gorgeous sky every morning. She is with you baby, everywhere. She is a part of you. I am so sorry that she is not here and I would give anything and everything in this life if it meant she could come back. Someday...someday... I heard this song last night and it's perfect for how you and I are feeling right now. I love you and I am so excited to keep living this adventure with you, no matter what God decides to allow...

I love you Mr. Deem so very very much much much

Niwe :) (Elle's Mommy)