Monday, May 28, 2012

When I Get Big

“When I get weally weally big, I will be the boss…”
So we kept our nephews this weekend along with a gorgeous 3 year old little girl who belongs to friends of ours. See, this is what us babyless folk do, we steal other people’s children to enjoy. They enjoy the break, we enjoy the noise. It’s a win win people. To say we loved it would be an understatement. We had a 5 year old, 4 year old and a 3 year old. Stress was a flowin’ and giggles were a plenty. If you have never been with a 5 year old, 4 year old and 3 year old together, I highly recommend it. The discussions are the very best part, let me tell ya.
I listened to stories about eyecoytes and well if you don’t know what an eyecoyte is, you are missing out. Let me help you out a little; think coyote. We learned about how eyecoytes are animals that eat plant-eating animals. My nephews are full of all kinds of information. Annalise, the gorgeous 3 year old, told me all about how she had to get home and go to sleep because she told her daddy that she would dream about him. My heart melted into a puddle of tears, in case you were wondering. There was one conversation that I overheard though that made me giggle and intrigued me a bit.
“Carter are you the boss?” Annalise asked in her sweet little voice.
“Well, no, but I will be the boss when I get big like Wes.”
“When I get weally, weally big; I will be the boss.” Annalise said, so very joyfully.
I laughed out loud. Like an LOL kind of laugh, you know those kind. Oh, to be a kid again. Why is it that by nature we are never satisfied? Why do kids want to be ‘big’? Why do we want to be little? I hope you aren’t wanting an answer; I have no idea. I love the innocence of kids, they just have no idea what this world can hold. It is refreshing and scary all at the same time. I hate the thought of anything tragic happening to any of the littles that I know. I hate to say it but after 29 years of experience I don’t think it’s avoidable. Poo on that.
Tonight, I cried. I haven’t in a while and I just felt like I needed to, so I did. I cried because today was hot and Elle was not here. I know that makes perfect sense. J It was hot and we had a church picnic and there were all kinds of sweaty babies there. I love sweaty babies and well, I was sad that Elle was not one of them today. They are just so cute; all hot and red and sweaty. I cried because I miss her. I cried because we had a sweet girl stay the night with us and she was gorgeous but she was not Elle. I cried because sometimes I get tired. Tired of the day to day; tired of wanting to be the boss.
I always want to be the boss. I wish God would let me but pretty much every time I try to be the boss he puts me back in my place; which is not the boss, by the way. I try to control my life, to dream my dreams and push them into action. I try to make his plan fit into my wants but it just doesn’t work that way. I had a dream of a houseful of babies way before I turned 30 but I couldn’t quite boss my way into that one, as much as I tried. I had dreams of a prince charming and a fairy tale marriage and I had to wait for a lot longer than I wanted to for that. I had a dream of quitting my job after only 3 years of working and well, I’m pushing 9.5 years.
Eventually, I guess I will learn that being the boss is not my job, but his job. He is the boss of my life. He is the boss of our story. He is the boss of the day to day and all of the dreams that I have. He is the boss. I can smile and sigh a big sigh of relief. He is the boss, which means that I am not. Some days it is hard to let go but when I do the relief comes. Why can’t I figure that out sooner rather than later? Why does it always seem to take so long? My need for control is out of this world, you all have no idea. Be happy that you are not privy to my insanity.

 The littles at our Valentine's Day Party
I have no idea if any of this makes any sense or if any of you will ever read this blog again…
Jesus, you are in control. I am not. I’m so glad we got that all cleared up. I love you and thank you for being the boss.
Elle’s Mommy


Tesha said...

I so get this. I really want to be the boos :) but I am thankful I am not. I sure would of messed some things up. I am glad you had a fun weekend. It is good to cry even though I know it hurt seeing those red little babies. If I go to long with out crying it turns into anger. I am praying for you my friend that the good lord would give you a house full of babies and bring comfort your heart as you miss Ellersley.

Kristy said...

I totally get it. I'm tired of being the boss (or trying to anyways) also. Somedays you are just tired. I love having my house full of littles and listening to them talk. We have two 3 year olds at our house almost every day and I love the things they say and listening to them play with the 8yr old.

Elizabeth said...

here's to the sweet "sweaty" little ones on the other side :) Big hug!

brigette said...

I love this and can relate oh so well!! Id love to be the boss and in control of everything. BIg hugs mama!

Abigail's Mom said...

Your precious Baby Elle is beautiful!!

Trennia said...

I understand where your coming from...I have children at home and all I see them do hits me like a knife that my other three babies will never do it at least not this side of heaven.Saying a prayer for you, you have such a beautiful heart (((hugs)))

Elizabeth said...

Thank you for your comment...I enjoy following your sweet family. :)