Saturday, May 5, 2012

My Wish For You

Mother's Day is approaching...

My heart is ready, my mind is not...

I have over 1 billion thoughts in my head regarding Mother's Day. Every. single. one. is contradictory to the next and every single one is all about me and the self-pity I could be wallowing in. Why do we have to deal with emotions? I mean, seriously, WHAT WAS GOD THINKING? That question has come out of my mouth far too many times in my short 29 years. Anyway, I am going to try to push past the horrendous amounts of self-pity and let you listen to my heart for mommies of all kinds.

I have mentioned in previous posts that being a mommy has always been on my mind and in my heart. It has and it has not changed. I am Nicki and I have a need and it is to be a mommy. Before Ellersley was born I would dream of the days that I would be the one complaining about late nights and early mornings. I wanted to argue with my husband about who changed the diaper last. I wanted to be peed and perhaps, even pooped on. I wanted to be so grouchy at the 3 am feeding that I said things I didn't mean to the man that I love. I wanted a baby. I wanted to know that love and that adoration for something so tiny. I wanted it to happen to us.

Well, the love and the adoration for something so tiny did happen to us. The rest of it, not so much. Ellersley brought so many things but the aches of a mommy's heart, she did not fill. I wanted to take care of her, I wanted to feed her, I wanted to snuggle her day and night, I wanted to take walks with her, I wanted to wash her tiny clothes, I wanted to share her with all of our friends and family. I had so many plans. I must tell you that with Mother's Day coming up I have so many wishes for all of the mommies that I know. My heart aches at the thought that you are not being the mommies that Jesus has called you to be. Jesus has called me to be this kind of mommy and he has called you to be a certain kind of mommy. I am learning, every day, what it means to be Ellersley's mommy and what that should look like. I pray for each of you all the time, that God would grant you the things that you need to be a loving, caring, tender mommy to each and every one of your sweet ones.

I pray that he would give you an attitude of wonder when you look at your little ones. I pray that he would allow your mind to fathom the fact that they are walking and talking miracles. I pray that he would open your eyes to the fact that there are TOO MANY people who wish they were in your shoes. I pray that he would grant you the patience that you need each morning to gather all the littles up and rush them off to school or day care. I pray that he would give you a sweet voice and quiet love when the time comes for discipline. I pray that he would give you the strength to let go and allow them to explore their world. I pray that he would give you a sense of adventure to enjoy life, and all the ups and downs it has to offer, with them. I pray that peace would fill your home. I pray that God would give you an attitude of gratitude for each blessing he has given you. I pray that your marriage would be one of honor and a great example of love and unselfishness. I pray that your home would be full of the joy of Jesus. I pray that you would freely give out hugs and kisses even when they are not welcomed. I pray that you would praise instead of put down.

I pray that God would allow you to see the hurt of this world and in turn it would make you try harder to attain all of the above.

I know this is coming from a woman who is not yet the kind of mommy that you may be but my heart is real. My ache is real. I need you to be this way. It heals my heart to see love in a mama's eyes for all her littles. It heals my heart to see a little girl holding her mama's hand. It heals my heart to watch a mama snuggle her little tiny baby. It heals my heart to hear a mama whisper instead of yell. It heals my heart to hear about story time before bed and playing at the park. These things heal my heart. They allow me to see that there are others out there who love and cherish their babies the same way that I longed to do.

I love this song by Taylor Swift. It reminds me of my childhood and how I love my mama. It makes my heart ache for Ellersley and wish so badly that we could share all the things that I share with my mama. I know that someday we will and all this pain will quickly fade away. I have no patience in my wait for that day!


My love for you is unending as I know your love for me is the same. I cannot say thank you enough for the life lessons that you have taught me. They are too many to count; to love with no limits, to honor my husband in all things, to give selflessly to all, to live life to the fullest, to laugh or you might cry, to cherish each moment, to love babies with all my heart and to keep Jesus at the forefront of my life. You have given all of yourself to your family, there is no doubt about that. I must tell you that I don't know that there is another person on this planet that I have more fun with, don't tell Wes! :) My life is so full because of you! You have made all of my days the best days! I cannot wait to see you love on all of our babies in this life and the next. Your love for Ellersley has blessed my heart. She loves you very much and the day that she runs to all of us will be the greatest day of our lives! I can't wait to share that with you. I love you from the very depths of my soul and it makes my day when someone says I look and act like you. Love you mama...

Proverbs 31:25-31
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.


Mary said...

I think this is the very best post I have ever read!!!!!

I am a mommy of eight. Seven of them are here with me and one is with Our Lord in Heaven.

I always try to be the mommy that I should, but I know I fall short far too often.

Thank you for sharing your heart and speaking such truth. It is EXACTLY what I needed to read!!

You are a beautiful mommy and a wonderful servant of The Lord. We all could learn from your example!

God bless you!!!


Mary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tesha said...

Nicki, this is a really beautiful post. I am convicted, It has been really hard for me to be my normal loving self since Jonathan went to Heaven. I hate that I am weary, sad and grumpy most days. I am so thankful for them it is just hard to not feel sad. Not to mention I seemed to have insomnia since Jonathan went to Heaven. Thank you for this beautiful post....I will remember to hugs kiss and love my kids more because I read this. You wrote such a sweet tribute to your mom :)

Kim and Mat said...

Beautiful! You are beautiful, your momma is beautiful, and I know Ellersley is more beautiful than any of us could imagine! God has given you a gift Nicki, a heart that is completely His and a heart that loves the little blessings He has placed on this earth and in Heaven. A heart that desires to see each one of them loved as Christ loves us, as you love Miss Elle.

I am so sorry that this Mothers Day you will not hold your little one as other moms will but know that she will be watching you as she is being held by our Master, our Savior's arms.

I pray you will be kissed by a warm gentle breeze and hugged by a sweet little butterfly while you are in Florida on Mothers Day. I pray it will be a day full of blessings for you. I love you!

Katy said...

What a sweet post...and I love that Taylor Swift song, too. Hugs to you.

Cindy said...

Love you so much Nicki Lee...all my kids have brought me great Joy! A Mama couldnt ask for a better bunch...We are Blessed! We now wait with a smile on our face as we know the Joys God will bring in our future! Our Sweet Elle sits on the lap of our Jesus with a huge smile and beautiful blue eyes (originally from gramps) just waiting, (only a few minutes :0) ) til we all get there! What a day that will be!! Love you, Mama

brigette said...

Thanks for the help with my blog request :). This is a beautiful post!! Thank you for the fantastic reminder. Praying for you as I know mothers day can be soooo hard!!