Thursday, October 18, 2012

My sweet Ellersley

Life is moving fast sister...I am not sure that I am ready. I am prepared but I am not sure I am ready. I am supposed to be getting ready for a dinner tonight and well, a song came on and it made me cry. It made me think of you and when that happens I usually need to write. 'I can only imagine' is a song we played at your funeral, it is the universal funeral song, I imagine. :) It makes me imagine what that day will be like when we meet Jesus face to face and today it makes me think about all that has happened since you left. When you left we could only imagine what life would be like without you. When we imagined it, it was heart breaking. We didn't want to imagine it at all. Our hearts ached and cried at all of the imaginings that kept coming up. Imagining quiet nights and lonely days, imagining the silence of our home for years, imagining not taking you to church for the first time, imagining not taking you to Thanksgiving and Christmas, imagining not having you to love and hug forever. It was painful...but Jesus came and he turned our imaginings into something hopeful and something joyful. He turned our sorrow into joy and now, life is just moving at a rate that we can hardly keep up with.
Ellersley, tomorrow is the day that our agency is telling us that this mama will decide if you have a sibling or not. I am speechless at the moment. The words escape me; I don't think there are any to describe all of the feelings that I have. I am so ready to cuddle a sweet baby just like I was ready to cuddle you. My heart is right there in that place and I would love it if Jesus would see fit to make us this sweet baby's mama and daddy. I love you so much and I know that you are dancing with Him now and just maybe you know what tomorrow will hold. I am jealous missy, seriously jealous! We cannot even imagine what He has planned and what He wants to do in our lives.
We only imagined heartache and pain after you, but He imagined more for us. He imagined this blog, He imagined volunteering, He imagined worshipping Him through the pain, He imagined changed views on life and living it to the fullest inside and outside of the womb, He imagined changed hearts, He imagined adoption...I love you more every day and lately, I feel you everywhere I go. I know that you are waiting for His plan to be evident to us, thank you for being a part of it. I smile as I look up because I am thinking about, dreaming of and imagining the day when we get to hug you and our Jesus forever and ever...I can only imagine.
Elle's Mommy


The Kimmels said...

I love this song and I think it has changed for me since Carter died. Not only will i get to see Jesus, but I will get to bow at his feet and thank him for taking care of my baby. And we will get to be with Jesus TOGETHER. And I can't wait. Thinking of you guys!

Tesha said...

Oh Gosh praying for you as you await the news. Beautiful letter to your little girl:)

sierraspeaks13 said...

Nicki....every time i read your blog, my eyes well up with your strength, love,devotion, commitment, endurance and grace...many would choose bitterness and anger after all you have been through, but you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, and honestly, i dont know how you do it some days... i also cant wait until the day the two of you are blessed with a baby...and i do believe that baby will be the most blessed and adored baby EVER! <3 YOU !!!!