Friday, October 12, 2012

What A Difference A Year Makes

It will be a year of blogging tomorrow...October 13th. Let's all just stop for a minute because that is just plain, stinking insanity. One entire year. Wow, time flies boys and girls, time definitely flies.
 
I have enjoyed this secret place that we meet every...well, whenever my INSANE life decides to allow me a moment to sit and reflect; I have enjoyed it very much. It has given me an outlet; a place where I can share my deepest hurts and my deepest desires. It is a place that I can feel free to give God what for and allow him to change the darkest parts of my heart. It is a place where I meet with all of you. I share with you what God has been showing me in my little, tiny part of the world. I hope and pray that it has made a difference. I must tell you that I very much so enjoy getting emails and comments from each and every one of you but it is so very different when someone mentions it in person. I love it, PLEASE don't get me wrong, but it is different. I feel like some sort of violation of privacy is being made. It makes me laugh a little because this totally could be my control rearing it's ugly head. I just feel like we are in some dark alley talking about a CIA mission that no one but Jack Bauer is allowed to know about. I want to say, "Shhhhhhh they are all gonna hear you!!!" I am crazy...
 
Anyway, in saying all of this I mean to say thank you for making this place so very special to me. You have made this year easier, bearable and let's go ahead and say fun. I love each and every single one of you and I can't wait to see where Jesus takes this blog in the next year. Thank you for making it a success...and just for blogging fun we will dig back to one year ago and take a look at where life had us...
 
October 13th, 2011
There is a scar now on my lower abdomen. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still pangs with a sharp stinging pain when I sneeze or bump it against something. It goes across my belly in a straight red line, an ever-present reminder of where love used to be. You see, before this scar there was a swollen belly, full of all the love and joy one could possess. A belly full of promise, a belly full of dreams, a belly full of life. Her name is Ellersley Grace and she lived there, before the scar, for 7 months, 1 week and 1 day. She filled that belly with hope, with joy, with thankfulness and with more LOVE than we ever thought possible. She filled us with dreams of her future and dreams of our future together. But, then that scar came. The scar brought something other than hope and joy and love. Oh, it brought those things but it also brought sorrow and groaning and an ache so deep that it feels like it will never end. It brought fear, uncertainty and anger. It destroyed our dreams and tried to destroy our future. I read this statement in a book, love always leaves a significant mark. See, our love was there filling my belly and when she came out she left a very significant mark. Now, not only is there a mark on my belly but one on my heart. A scar that will forever remain. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still hurts when I see her beautiful face or catch a glimpse of a mommy snuggling with her baby. A scar that makes my heart bleed. Your love left a very significant mark Miss Elle.

Thank you Jesus for scars. Thank you for having scars before mine. Scars that saved me, healed me and promised to make all things new. Scars that left a mark on you, a mark on history and a mark on me. Keep healing Jesus, I am waiting...



Oh, how I remember that day; so much sadness. I still have that scar; the one on my belly and the one on my heart. Only, a year later something is growing out of the one on my heart, sounds gross but go with me on this one. Something is growing and changing the shape of that scar; there is love growing there, for another. Love that endures, love that bears all things, love with no limits, love with no conditions, love that is ready to take in a child that did not grow in my belly but grew in my heart. I never thought I would be able to love again when she left my belly...I thought all of my love went to heaven with her. God showed me that was not the case and that His love is what was in me and His love was enough to overcome death. His love did overcome death, all those years ago and just a little over a year ago.
 
Now, because of the scar that our Elle left and because of what God has allowed to grow there, we are waiting. We are waiting for a precious and brave mama to make the decision of a lifetime. We are waiting for her to say yes or to say no. We cannot believe God and our Elle brought us to this place. We are forever grateful and He has been forever faithful. We know that He had a plan one year ago and he has a plan for one year from today. He knows if this baby will be our baby and he knows if this baby won't be our baby. We are trusting in His mighty love and we would be honored if you would join us in prayer for this brave woman and her sweet baby.
 
Jesus, I love you and you have put a permanent smile on our faces. You are crazy and that is just the plain, stinking truth. We are constantly in awe of your great love and your intimate care for us. Jesus, be with us this weekend as we wait to hear life-altering news. Be with this mama...my heart, that scar, it aches for her. We are eerily similar, her and I. I know the ache of handing my baby to someone knowing I will never see her again. Please give her wisdom and peace and soothe her breaking heart. Thank you for this place in our lives, we could not be more in love with each other, with you, with Elle and with the new baby that you may have for us. Give peace Jesus, lots and lots of peace...
 
Elle's Mommy 

4 comments:

Mamascham said...

So beautiful. Describing the scar on your belly and the one in your heart and then the reminder of the scars Jesus wore for you and me put my hurt into perspective too. Thank you.

I am thrilled to hear you are on a journey of adoption. I love how you speak of how God grew love and joy back in your heart. And it all began with your sweet Elle. So sweet.

Tesha said...

Beautiful touching post! Praying for you and your future family my friend! Love the sweet picture of Ellersley:)

Patti said...

oh, praying with you !!!

Hannah Rose said...

I've just been reading over some of your blog posts tonight and was struck yet again with what a beautiful writer you are and how the Lord speaks through your words! The Holy Spirit is all over this...what a beautiful image of scars, your scars and HIS scars, and how He has a plan and purpose for it all! It is so neat to read this now, knowing how God brought your little man into your life! He is AWESOME!

And LOL to you feeling weird when someone mentions your blog in person! I feel the SAME way! Haha...I cherish every email, comment, and message that I receive..but there is something different and special when someone mentions my blog in person! But, it does feel strange...like I am bearing my heart on my blog and people just read it and then say something to me about it when I barely know them lol.

Much love to you!! <3