It's been a rough several days.
Sometimes life throws a serious curve ball and this wasn't a your-baby-is-dead curve ball but it was an annoying one none the less.
I am questioning every single part of my life.
I am questioning myself as a wife,
as a mother,
as a leader,
as a Godly woman,
as a daughter,
as a sister,
as a person in general.
I have not ever really been an insecure person but, boy oh boy whatever has been hiding in there for 30 years decided to pop up it's UGLY head this weekend. I have no idea how to get rid of it which is ridiculous since the past 5 years of my life have been full of scripture that battles this crap. I hate funks. I hate them and I am stuck in one. Not only am I questioning everything but Mother's Day is coming up. That special ache for a sweet, tiny baby girl has reared it's head. I am not a fan of the ache. I'm a fan of that baby girl, not a fan of the ache.
I went to a Mother's Day Banquet this past Sunday and I must be honest and tell you it was torture, just as it was last year. It has been torture for a few years now, actually. I go each year and I try to focus on my Mom and on my Mother-in-law but the thoughts always go back to sadness. This year I was in my funk so that was playing a part also. I should have been uber happy this year right? Doesn't that only make sense? I have a sweet baby boy now and I am his mama and he is my son. I should cry at the sappy videos and laugh at the funny ones about being so tired you just want to fall on the floor at the grocery store and sleep. I should be covered in joy every single second of every day, right? I have no idea if the answer to that is yes or not but I can tell you that the answer is no for me. There is joy and it is there most of the time but Mother/Daughter banquets is not one of those times.
I found this in my journal today...
11/25/12
You have rocked our world. You sent us a son and a birth mother. We are speechless; speechless is the only description we could possibly have. Our gratitude is deep; thank you seems so trivial. You gave us the desire of our heart; a teeny, tiny, sweet baby to LOVE! You stood back and watched it all pan out, didn't you? I know that you did because that is just like you; to watch and smile as all the JOY unfolds. Since Elle you knew what these days would hold. Since her; her tinyness, her sweet smell, her tiny head, her gorgeous hair, her perfect quietness. You knew...you were smiling then because you knew Isaiah would be coming soon. You see the whole picture...the entire picture. Praise you and only you; you will ALWAYS get all the GLORY! His story is amazing and will always be told...no greater love, no other name...
Jesus knew...
And he knows that today and yesterday and several days before that were just not good days.
He sees the whole picture and he knows where we will be in the end, he is not too concerned about this middle mess. Today, I am grateful for a God that is always near even when I don't feel like he is. I am grateful for a church that prays for our family. I am grateful for a husband that loves me unconditionally. I am grateful for a son that brings more joy than we ever thought was possible. I am grateful for a family that understands. I am grateful.
Thank you Jesus for listening today...you are always near even when my mind tells me differently. Stand beside me this week as I walk this journey you have placed before me. Thank you for the journey. Thank you for Elle, thank you for Isaiah. The blessings you have poured on me have never been deserved and could never be repaid. I love you and I will spend the rest of my days living that statement out.
Nicki
***One request- if you leave a comment please do not say sorry- this was for my own benefit, not to get pity from others...I love your comments and would love to hear whatever you have to say, just not sorry :)
5 comments:
Oh, Nicki I feel you. This time of year is so difficult for me,too. Yes, God has deeply and richly blessed me with my mom, mother in law and my boys. Yet I struggle every year with this holiday becaise of the deep ache for the birth children I will never have. I should be fine after 13+ years but the aches still rears its stupid head. Praise God he walks with us through these times!!!!
Praying for you sweet friend. Funks are difficult to walk through:(
I feel this same funk around Mother's Day. It's hard. I've really been trying to focus on others around me.. Doing special things for others, sending a local pastors wife a package of all yellow things to send her some "sunshine" giving money and a flier to church to a homeless man, baking muffins for my elderly neighbor. But the other night I had a breakdown. I told my husband that I felt like I was slipping into a depression... I've really been trying to get my head out of it but its hard. We've been waiting for a baby for a long time now and our foster sons situation is so up in the air. I just want our baby to come now. Today. But I know I have to trust God. Even though I haven't been thru the same situation as you I know the horrible ache that fills you at times. Praying for you my friend! Xxxxx keep your chin up! Naomi
I agree, it's a hard time of year. Even though we are blessed with so much, there is still that part that will always be missing. Elle is your girl and she always will be. I've been thinking a lot lately about how hard it is to be a parent to a baby we don't get to snuggle and kiss and raise. Go easy on yourself, many prayers for you!!
I've been in a funk too. Just sending you lots of hugs!
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