Thursday, May 30, 2013


Today is going to be a great day. 


I will watch my baby sister bring a baby into this world. 

The emotions are running high and they have been for a few weeks now. 

I am in full on panic mode. 

Yeah, you thought it was her emotions I was speaking of...hahaha. Ugh, for the 10 billionth time stated on this blog...I HATE EMOTIONS! 

I remember that call...the day they told us that she had life inside and life as we know it would never be the same again. They Facetimed our family from Missouri and they were so nervous and hem hawing around the real reason for that phone call. They finally got to it and we all screamed and said NO WAY and laughed and then I just sobbed and she did as well. She said I'm sorry, Are you ok? I laughed in the middle of my sobs and I said OF COURSE I AM! I told her how I was so happy and the tears were because she was so far away and I wouldn't get to watch every detail of her pregnancy like she watched mine. That was half true. 

I was soooo happy and I am still soooo happy. I would be lying if I said there were not other thoughts and other feelings and other emotions there. It was just another lesson in God's timing, His planning and His amazing journey for each and every individual. It took me a few weeks but eventually those DUMB emotions went away and all that was there was joy over my new sweet niece or nephew, baby blueberry. 

Eventually, they moved home and we all praised God! I was so happy that I did get to finally watch every moment of her pregnancy just like she watched mine. I got to question what she was eating and what she was feeling and I got to touch that sweet belly and tell that baby how much I loved him or her. We found out in January that it was a boy and oh, we were sooo happy! Isaiah would have a great playmate in a baby boy that was just 6.5 months behind him. :) We could not be more blessed! 

Then came the final weeks of her pregnancy and my intense panic. Yesterday it was at it's peak, I am a hot mess. I am remembering. I am remembering the room, I am remembering the quietness, I am remembering the wailing, I am remembering. I am not into it. Rachel, Rob and Liam have had doctor visits every week the past 4 weeks. I am a mess every single time until I get the text that his heart is beating and all is ok. I have visions of heartbeats not being heard and of sobs of sadness, visions of not calling me or texting me but driving to me to tell me that another baby has died, visions of leaving the hospital without a baby. 

Yesterday I told my husband that I pray and I ask Jesus to take it and leave it far away from me but He really just doesn't. It gets a little better for a time but the nauseous puky feeling is continually there until I hear he's ok. I think it always will be. I am not writing this to be a self-pity party...I feel that is what is coming across! Ugh...I am writing this today so that all my baby loss mamas will stand with me and pray. Pray on behalf of all of your babies for this sweet baby boy. He is healthy and his mama is healthy but we know all too well that birth sometimes ends in tragedy. Our family knows tragedy. 

My sister is so very strong. She's a fighter to the end, always has been. She is going to labor wonderfully and I cannot wait to watch her bring Liam into this world, what an incredible privilege! I am pumped, to say the least! I am hoping that my panic doesn't get the best of me and I'm not puking in the corner of the room or something; also pray that doesn't happen. :) I am so very proud of her. I am so very loved. She has been a WONDROUS pregnant mama. She doesn't complain, she loves him, she treats her body well, she was sensitive to any and all emotions that have come and gone. She's the best sister a girl could ask for. 

Today will be a great day...

Jesus, you know the prayer. You've heard it a LOT of times over the past 9 months. Protect him. Protect her. We know that your plan is the best plan... Thank you for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy Liam. Thank you Lord, it is not a privilege that all have. Give her peace and strength, calm her nerves. She can do this today because she has you and she has Rob and she has Liam. Help us to be her strength, to encourage her and to be the calm if a storm arises. Help me Lord. Keep the thoughts at take captive every thought. Thank you for my pregnancy and all of it's memories. Thank you for Elle, thank you. Thank you for joy...never-ending, ever-present joy. You are so amazing and Jesus, thank you for a beating heart and screaming lungs, we will be listening for both today...


Anonymous said...

I love you so much!
You're the best sister ever :)

Liam's Mommy

Tesha Papik said...

Praying for you and your sister!

Naomi said...

Prayin for you and your nephew and his family as he comes into the world today! I love this honest post. Someday I hope we can meet in person!


Tambreia Gram said...

Nicki, I have had the same feelings ever since I knew Rachel was expecting...God is this fair, how will Nick feel, what about the time-lines? I watched you walk bravely but felt your emotions! Thanks for sharing!