Sunday, July 21, 2013

The Ache of Time

I have no idea what to write tonight...but I feel it. 

It's in there, somewhere deep; that nagging ache. 

It's been there for a while but most days it gets pushed back further and further into the corner. 

There are more important things these days...

Baby boy is growing up quickly. 

He is now 8 months and with each passing day I am becoming more and more aware that someday soon he won't be 8 months anymore. This just moves so very quickly. People try to warn you to cherish each moment and bask in the glory of each day because with a whisper and a blink they will be gone. 8 months. We have had 8 months with him and it feels like a was just yesterday that we were there wasn't it? Just yesterday he was so tiny and frail and fit so perfectly on my chest, right? 

Tonight, I am nervous. Maybe not. I am something; like I said; that ache is there. It comes and I never know it's just sits until I finally figure it out. Eight months have already passed and time will only keep moving forward, there is no going back. No rewind. Isaiah will never be 6 months again, he won't ever be 1 month again. Did I cherish it? Did I take enough pictures? Did I capture every moment? Did I teach him the things I needed to? Will I look back and remember with joy or sorrow at the moments lost? 

Will we get to do this again? I think that's the ache... Will we ever get to parent a 6 month old or a 1 month old again? Will Jesus allow the joy of those moments again? I am nervous. It is July and we all know what that means, haha. I say that with a laugh, which is a miracle, by the way. I want you to pity me and notice that, haha. :) August is coming soon. The beauty and the great sorrow of August; awesome and stupid month. I love it and hate it all in one. 

I am just remembering all that time spent with Elle and wondering if we will ever have the pregnancy/birth experience again and if this time it will end in a nicer way than it did the first time. I guess tonight I am missing normalcy. The normal thoughts of a fabulous pregnancy where babies don't die at the end. That will never be ours and tonight that's just annoying. I'm annoying myself right should probably stop reading. It's only going to get worse from here... 

I miss her. I feel weird writing that. I love this space but I feel like a stranger here now, sometimes. I feel like some think I'm not doing this thing called life after death right and that's annoying. I feel like the second year has been sooooooo very different than the first year. I feel like I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel far away from her sometimes but then so very close. I feel different but the same. I feel that I have no time to sort through all of these emotions and perhaps that is for the best. 

I guess tonight all I want you to know is that I miss her and I am going to be ok with it and you better be too. I also want you to know something that I'm sure you have heard many times but, time does not stop for the moments you want it to. I wanted it to stop when they placed her in my arms and never ever to move but it did. I wanted it to stop when I kissed her that last time but it did not. I wanted it to stop the day we placed her sweet self in the ground but it just did not listen. And now, I want it to stop every day. Every time he smiles. Every time he snorts with excitement. Every night at bed time when he nuzzles his little nose into my face and we let him fall asleep in our bed before we put him in his. I just want time to stop. 

Jesus, take this time and make it yours. Help me to enjoy and cherish every single second that you have given to me. Take away the nervousness and place peace in it's place. You hold the perfect plan. I know that to be true. You have proven yourself over and over. I love you.

In sincere honesty,

Elle and Bubby's mommy 

1 comment:

The Kimmels said...

You are so allowed to miss her. I agree the 2nd year is different, but you are still SO allowed to miss her. I'm so glad you guys are getting the experience of raising your sweet (adorable) boy, but I wish you had your Elle here with you too. I know the feeling!!