Isaiah Samuel

Ecclesiastes 3:11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

 

Our Isaiah,

 

We could not see the whole scope of what God wanted to do. We were stuck on what we thought was best for our hearts; so much so that we could not even see you right in front of us. That day that you came into the picture was a hard day for Mommy and Daddy. Only seconds before you were mentioned our hearts were broken all over again. Another baby girl was ripped from us, no more bows and no more headbands. No more pink walls and no more tutus. We were devastated and we were angry and bitter, yet again. We were burnt and we weren't sure we wanted to even put our hand back toward the stove for another shot. We said no to you and we moved on. Isn't it amazing how God works...He always makes sure He gets His way and we are ever so grateful. I type this with tears today because I am so grateful that He gave us another shot to love you. He opened the door and gave us one more shot to say yes to loving our teeny, tiny chili pepper.

 

We can hardly put into words what you mean to us. You are the answer to a long awaited desire. You are the answer to years of prayers and you are the soothing ointment to a lot of scars. Our hearts were pretty broken when your sister left, she brought a lot of joy but she left a lot of pain. Since her death our hearts have been soothed by Jesus more and more each day. He has held us and given us joy through all of the painful moments. He has given more than we ever thought was possible after the death of a child; peace that is not comprehendable this side of heaven, joy and laughter overflowing every day, strength to overcome the sadness and patience to wait for his perfect timing. Then, He brought us you. I am trying to think of words to say...I am coming up empty. I am in awe, He has made me speechless.

 

You are perfect. You are our little chili pepper. You are joy. You are so cute. You are so warm. You are so alive. You are so sweet. You are hilarious. You love to scare mommy. You have the best smiles. You make the most amazing silly faces. You poop a lot. You spit up a lot. You love to snuggle. You are our tiny enchilada. You are so teeny. You love story time. You hate having your blood pressure taken. You have stolen our hearts. You are ours...

 

You are now two weeks old and we still cannot believe that you belong to us and that they will let us take you out of the NICU some day soon. I am pretty sure that day we will both be wondering when the security guards will come and stop us because this cannot really be real life. We spend most of every day with you. We let you sleep in your little incubator and sometimes we get to hold you. Those moments are like a far away dream...the world turns fuzzy and takes me back to that day with your sister; those moments that are also like a dream. I look down at your little tomato head and I remember hers. Her tiny head and her sweet smell. Your smell is fabulous in a different way, you are a boy and she is a girl...girls are just sweeter smelling, daddy will teach you all about that. I find myself watching you and making sure you are breathing. I hate that I do that and so does daddy but it is what it is. Daddy just keeps saying that he's so grateful that your heart is beating. He and I both love feeling it beating against our chest, one of the best feelings ever.

 

We are so grateful for you; Isaiah Samuel. You and all of your dinos, and blue hats, and football sleepers and blue blankeys. We never knew we loved blue so much...our hearts leap at the sight of it now. All this time we thought Jesus was growing love for a sweet baby girl and little did we know he had a great, big plan. He had love for us to take for a tiny, sweet, 3lb 10oz little guy. Our hearts have been growing and growing since we got the call to come get you...meeting you was the most surreal experience in our entire life. We couldn't stop smiling and I am sure you thought we were crazy! I am sure you remember but as soon as you saw us you raised both your arms up above your head, like you were doing 'SOOOOO BIG' just for us. You were waiting for us and oh we were waiting for you...what a moment that was for Daddy and I.

 

We love you our little chili pepper and we cannot wait to do all the things with you that we have been longing to do for many, many years. Jesus has made everything beautiful in his time and we could not be more ecstatic about it...

 

 

 

 

 

 

We love you to the moon and back sweet boy,

Mommy and Daddy

The Mysteries of My God

Life does not always go the way we plan...it's a running theme in this blog and if you've been here long enough you are probably tired of hearing it. Well...hear it again my friends, hear it again loud and clear. Most of the time I say it with a bit of sarcasm and bitterness in my tone but this morning at 6:26 am I say it with the utmost of joy and gratitude. Life does not always go the way we plan...

It all started on Thursday, November 1st. Our agency called to say that the birth mother who chose our family to adopt her baby girl had changed her mind. She wanted another family, ours was not enough. We were in the middle of packing our bags; we were in the middle of purple tubs full of pink clothes and pink towels and pink wash cloths and pink blankets and pink headbands and pink bows and pink tutus. We were ready for her, our family was ready, our friends were ready.

We were devastated but we took the blow and tried to remain standing. That same night our agency presented another birth mom who didn't know the gender of the baby she would be having in early January. They presented the details and asked if we would like to allow God to give us a chance at that baby. They said that this baby's mother didn't want to choose a family and the situation was basically ours if we wanted him or her. I hung up the phone and I tried not to cry but of course, the tears came. The anger and bitterness and sarcasm and questions over and over again. The agency sent the birth mother's info and I erased the email as soon as it popped up in our inbox. We didn't want gender unknown, we wanted a girl. Wesley came home from work that night and I was already asleep, he cried and prayed on his own.

The next morning we talked and we both decided that we wanted to be gender specific in our adoption and we called our agency and changed our stance to girl situations only. We got one call...for a baby girl that was born at 28 weeks but I knew my emotions would not be able to handle the road that little one would face. Twenty-eight weeks was before our Elle...the dangers of that were too much for my fried heart to handle. My poor Prince, he deals with a lot of fried emotions himself and mine to boot. So, we waited and waited. It felt like years but truly it was about a week. :) Patience...not a strong suit, remember?

We walked around our home and still prepared our room for a sweet little girl that we just knew would be coming soon. We bought pink curtains and we bought a nice changing table and we bought a vase with pretty flowers in it that light up. We girlied up the room pretty good.

Somewhere around the 15th or so of November, in the midst of all the girly stuff, we decided that being girl specific was just selfish. What if God really wanted to bless us with a sweet baby boy and we were too stuck in our girl ways to realize it? What if we missed out on a blessing because we thought we knew what was best? What if we tried to make our plan fit into God's plan instead of making His fit into ours? We called immediately and changed our plan...still not wanting to go full steam but we decided on girl or gender unknown.

My mom, being my mom, remembered the gender unknown baby we were offered that awful Thursday night and so we asked. "Oh, that baby was matched with a family yesterday, I am so sorry!" our agency said. But she had another gender unknown baby...one in Utah. So, we decided to present to the birth mother of that baby and our profile was sent to her. It was sent on Friday, November 16th, Wesley's 27th birthday. It was sent to the agency and then they would be mailing it out to her, she was due to receive it on Tuesday or Wednesday the following week. Follow...God's plan gets messy...

Friday night we went out to eat with Wesley's parents and my parents for his 27th birthday. Yay for birthdays! We talked and laughed and the discussion came to adoption. Wesley's dad talked and talked a lot about God's plan and how it can be a mystery and we never know how He will work. He brought up a family that he had encountered who knew a girl in our area who was thinking about adoption. "But, she is having a boy..." he said. We laughed and said that it didn't matter to us what the baby was, we thought our hearts were set on a girl but we had no idea the plan that God had. We walked away from that dinner and we decided to pursue this teenage young lady with a sweet baby boy.

Saturday came and so did a flood of emotions. Wesley was a mess, I was grouchy as ever and it was just not pretty in our home. We tried to relax our minds and not think about either situation we were being presented with but it is nearly impossible to do that. Sunday came and we had Thanksgiving dinner at our church. Praise God for something to get our minds off of adoption. During the dinner a tiny, sweet, blond teenage girl came over to us and said she had something to tell us. She was in from out of state, visiting with her family. She said "Hi, I am Elizabeth and I'm from West Virginia. I heard in church this morning that you guys are adopting and you need wisdom and strength and patience for the journey. I wanted to tell you about a couple in our church who had trouble getting pregnant and they decided to adopt. They went through the whole process and the waiting and eventually they were matched. They went to get their baby and after having him for 2 days the birth mother changed her mind and they had to give him back to her. It was absolutely awful but a month later they were called again and now their son is 2 months old and he's perfect and adorable and everything is so great. Please hold on, don't give up! It will happen, God has a great plan for you both." Seriously??? Where do these people come from, right? God is so C-A-R-A-Z-Y!!!

So...we straightened up a bit and got our bearings back and moved on with life. Monday came and with it came a call to a lawyer about private adoption. This situation was so far from happening but just in case God wanted to get crazy we had to be ready. So, just to make sure you are on board...we are anticipating our profile book being shown to a birth mama in Utah and we are calling a lawyer about a private adoption of a baby boy, oh that is due November 23rd... :) I forgot that part. Emotions on OVERDRIVE! So, the second I get off the phone with the lawyer in Ohio I get a call from our agency.

I said hello and I just heard laughing..."Ok, so, I have another situation for you guys..." My heart skipped a beat, and my breath caught in my throat. My blood pressure also probably rose to epic proportions, I do not handle stress well. I laughed and said, "oooook, I just got off the phone with the lawyer about this private adoption but what's up?"

The world went into slow motion as she told me about a baby boy that was born Sunday morning at 1:07am. He was 3lbs and 10oz and 16.5 inches long. He has a head full of brown hair and his birth mother was 31 weeks and 5 days when she delivered him. My head is spinning... Oh and remember the situation we offered you the night we called to say you lost that other situation? Yeah, that's this one...the family he was matched with backed out...they don't want him anymore and he can be yours if you say yes.

My skin, instantly, was red and blotchy...does your skin do that? because mine totally does when I am stressed to the maximum...

I got off the phone and called Wesley..."Soooo, what do you think?" I asked.

"I think yes...I think we should say yes..."

"I think so too..."

:)

I called her back and told her yes and then I just laughed and laughed and wrote down as much information as I could about our little guy and his birth parents.

 

Elle and Isaiah's Mommy

Hold My Heart

Well, tonight was heart-wrenching.

 

One reason and one reason only.

 

She changed her mind.

 

The daughter that we thought we had, we no longer have.

 

Jesus...hold our heart...again...

 

 

 

 

 

One of my lovelies sent this song to me tonight...when I say my lovelies I mean one of you, our readers. It is perfect for tonight and for the moment that we are standing in right now. I cannot believe that we are standing here but none-the-less, we are and I suppose I should not be shocked. Pain, agony and destroyed dreams should be something I am used to by now, right? You must excuse my sarcasm (pride and anger) tonight, it is going to be flowing quite freely. If you are lucky, you will be saved from a cuss word or two also...I make no promises.

 

Guys...for real? Can I just get a big 'FOR REAL' please? This is just unreal... I am annoyed with God, He is annoying. I love Him, I love His plan, I KNOW it is perfect and I KNOW there is a gorgeous, sweet, beautiful baby somewhere in this world that belongs to us but HE IS STINKIN' IRRITATING! Why does He seem to feel that we can handle so much? Our emotions are just fried, completely fried.

 

I just thought of a friend, an almost family friend. She is going through one of the most torturous, heart breaking aches this life has to offer. Adultery. I bet she thinks God is pretty darn annoying right now. I bet she wonders why. I bet she cries at night because all of her dreams have been shattered. I bet her body aches for the warmth of another. I bet she wants to yell and scream all sorts of cuss words at the walls around her.

 

Thank you Jesus for putting my small, minute problems in perspective...Thank you for the month of November and all that it means regarding thankfulness. Thank you for a loving husband who, through adultery, came to know you and love you and respect me. Thank you for dreams, even ones that are sometimes shattered. Be with us tonight and be with this friend. Give her peace, Jesus. Lots and Lots of peace...Thank you Lord for always holding our hearts...

 

Elle's Mommy

Kinsley Sarai coming soon...

Good news is coming your way so I hope you are ready... :)

 

WE ARE GOING TO BE WELCOMING A BABY GIRL IN LESS THAN A MONTH!!!

 

The birth mom chose us...she wants us to be her baby girl's Mommy and Daddy! The past 5 days have been a complete blur! We have no idea what is going on, we just keep smiling and saying, "We can't believe it...we cannot believe it!" Our daughter's name is one that we chose just for her...Kinsley Sarai. Sarai is pronounced Suh-rye and it means 'princess'. She is our special little princess and we just cannot even BELIEVE that God has moved this quickly. This process has been INSANE and we can only give the honor and glory all to Him. We began this journey with Faithful Adoption Consultants on September 4th, 2012 and here we are 1.5 months later waiting for our precious baby girl to be born.

 

DID YOU READ THAT??????

 

1 month and 20 days...

 

1 month and 20 days for God to bring a dream to life, 1 month and 20 days for God to connect us to a birth mom forever, 1 month and 20 days for our lifelong dream to come to life...God is Awesome! He is working and moving in our life and I have no idea how some can say they do not believe in Him. He is real, He is alive and He is always looking out for our good! Also, if you are looking for some help with the adoption process...Faithful Adoption Consultants is the WAY TO GO! They have been by our side, helping us through this intense process. They are quick, obviously 1.5 months quick. They are sweet, they are Godly, they are kind, they give it to ya straight, they answer the phone, they text, they call back, they work as hard as they can for you and they give all the glory to Jesus. They are incredible and PLEASE check out their Facebook page titled Faithful Adoption Consultants.

 

AND IT'S A GIRL!!!

 

Oh, be still my heart. I am telling you, I don't think any of this has really reached my mind yet. My heart is still trying to comprehend that it is a very real possibility that God will allow us the privilege of raising this little lady. We have so many clothes and headbands and tutu's that Elle did not get to wear and the thought of putting them on a tiny little girl is just beyond my limit right now. I cannot fathom what those moments will be like. Pure JOY!

 

Now, I come before you with my head, heart and soul bowed low. We need your help and it takes every part of Jesus in me to say that because I am ridiculously prideful. We need money and lots of it. I am not sure any of you know this but adoption in this country is astronomically expensive. The costs of newborn adoption range from $25,000 to $45,000. Yeah, you read that right; not a typo. We have set up a fundraising web page and we would be honored if you would consider helping us pay these legal fees and bring home our sweet Kinsley Sarai. Click the link below and it will take you right to our page...

 

Loving Kinsley Sarai

 

Thank you to each and every one of you that come here each week and read about the story that God is forever writing for our lives. You have made our hearts soar over and over in the past year and our hearts would not be as healed if it weren't for you and the love you have shown. You have been Jesus to us and we are so grateful! We cannot wait to share our Kinsley Sarai with you...she is due November 20th so be watching for her sweet little face to appear here. We love you and may God richly bless you for all you have already done...

 

Elle and Kinsley's Mommy and Daddy

My sweet Ellersley

Life is moving fast sister...I am not sure that I am ready. I am prepared but I am not sure I am ready. I am supposed to be getting ready for a dinner tonight and well, a song came on and it made me cry. It made me think of you and when that happens I usually need to write. 'I can only imagine' is a song we played at your funeral, it is the universal funeral song, I imagine. :) It makes me imagine what that day will be like when we meet Jesus face to face and today it makes me think about all that has happened since you left. When you left we could only imagine what life would be like without you. When we imagined it, it was heart breaking. We didn't want to imagine it at all. Our hearts ached and cried at all of the imaginings that kept coming up. Imagining quiet nights and lonely days, imagining the silence of our home for years, imagining not taking you to church for the first time, imagining not taking you to Thanksgiving and Christmas, imagining not having you to love and hug forever. It was painful...but Jesus came and he turned our imaginings into something hopeful and something joyful. He turned our sorrow into joy and now, life is just moving at a rate that we can hardly keep up with.

 

Ellersley, tomorrow is the day that our agency is telling us that this mama will decide if you have a sibling or not. I am speechless at the moment. The words escape me; I don't think there are any to describe all of the feelings that I have. I am so ready to cuddle a sweet baby just like I was ready to cuddle you. My heart is right there in that place and I would love it if Jesus would see fit to make us this sweet baby's mama and daddy. I love you so much and I know that you are dancing with Him now and just maybe you know what tomorrow will hold. I am jealous missy, seriously jealous! We cannot even imagine what He has planned and what He wants to do in our lives.

 

We only imagined heartache and pain after you, but He imagined more for us. He imagined this blog, He imagined volunteering, He imagined worshipping Him through the pain, He imagined changed views on life and living it to the fullest inside and outside of the womb, He imagined changed hearts, He imagined adoption...I love you more every day and lately, I feel you everywhere I go. I know that you are waiting for His plan to be evident to us, thank you for being a part of it. I smile as I look up because I am thinking about, dreaming of and imagining the day when we get to hug you and our Jesus forever and ever...I can only imagine.

 

Elle's Mommy