Vulnerability

This life is full of opportunities to be vulnerable. When I think of the word I think of weakness, cowardice, letting down your guard. I looked it up @ dictionary.com and this is what it says…

         Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt; open to moral attack or criticism;open to assault; difficult to defend

Have you ever been taken advantage of? I have and I think that is why my thoughts of vulnerability are so negative. Vulnerability has never been an easy characteristic for me to possess. I, as I’ve stated many times before, am a control freak. Vulnerability is not a part of the vocabulary of a control freak. I have learned very difficultly over the past 4 years how to become a vulnerable person, one who allows people to see her heart even when it’s aching.

After Ellersley passed away we decided that we wanted to make sure we were always vulnerable; vulnerable to each other, vulnerable to God, vulnerable to others. We wanted to feel. We didn’t ever want to stop feeling;  we knew that would be the beginning of a road that we did not want to go down. So, we did as God asked of us. We felt the pain, we felt the anguish, we left our hearts open to each other and to all of you. We left our hearts open to God so that he could form and mold them into something perfect. We were vulnerable. Today, I must tell you about the ache that I have and why I never want to be vulnerable again.

We were pregnant. We had new life, a new baby, a new dream and a new hope. We ran around with excitement the same morning the test said positive and we told our families. Each one of them shouted for joy and some cried tears of thankfulness to God that it had really happened. We were full of thankfulness, full of newness and full of overwhelming joy. We were speechless…we had been brave enough to try again and God had been faithful.

We told our friends and our church family even though we were only four weeks because God said to be vulnerable. We were vulnerable. They cried tears of joy and shouted with praise; they joined us in praising the One who holds all of our dreams. We announced it on Facebook because we were listening to his voice and we were vulnerable. We had over 100 likes…haha weird to say but awesome to see. People were rejoicing with us. We were on cloud nine.

Monday came and we had blood work done, it showed positive for pregnancy and we rejoiced over our new sweet baby. Wednesday came and we had more blood work done and we waited to see if my levels would increase like they should, we trusted and believed. We were vulnerable. Thursday morning came and with it came what no new mommy ever wants to see. Especially a mommy who has lost a baby already; a mommy whose heart is already fragile, already vulnerable. We called the doctor and they said that my levels went down instead of going up and coupled with the bleeding that was an indication of a miscarriage. Our baby was leaving. It would not be staying, it would not be here in 9 months.

Vulnerable. Be vulnerable Nicki, open your heart and let me in. Open your heart and let Wesley in. Open your heart and let your family and your friends in. Trust me. I will take care of you.

It doesn’t feel good to be vulnerable. It makes me mad, it makes me feel stupid, it makes me feel embarrassed, it makes me feel out of control, it makes me feel weak. I hate it, if I am being honest. I told Wesley that if there is a next time, I don’t want to find out until we are about 2 months along because then maybe we will save ourselves from this pain and suffering. Maybe our hearts will not be so crushed again, I don’t know the rules on broken hearts, I mean there can only be so many times that they break right??? and then you are just out of luck.

My husband in all of his wisdom said no. He always says no to all my ideas, what’s up with that? He reminded me that vulnerability allows God to use us. God will use this just like he used Ellersley’s life and death. He not only taught us things through that experience but he taught our entire church things that they never would have learned otherwise. How can I be angry at him for that? He used us to disciple others, isn’t that what we were called to do, at no cost. Whatever the cost Lord, use me. That’s tough but that’s to be our attitude right?

If we were not vulnerable there may be lessons that we never learned and lessons that you never learned. God works in ways that are not our ways. Vulnerability is a path that God can work thru, an open heart and an open soul. He’s looking for vulnerable people to use in this life…I hate it but I prayed that he would make me vulnerable and he did and he is using it. I guess all there is left to say is thank you Lord for answering my prayers.

Our new sweet baby,

We love you so much more than any words in this life could ever express. Our hearts are broken over the life that has been lost but they also rejoice at the joy you are now experiencing. Daddy and I are so jealous. We know that you are dancing with our sweet Ellersley in the place that holds all of our dreams. Like Daddy said, we are truly building up our treasures in heaven. We cannot wait to hold you and hug you and kiss you and dance at Jesus’s feet with you and Elle. Oh, what a day that will be! Our days with you were short but we are so happy that you will be ours forever. We put our turtle stickers on my car and we added one for you. Two babies, Daddy and I could not be happier. We love you sweet new baby and we will miss you until the day that Jesus will make all things new and our broken hearts will stop bleeding forever. We love you to the moon and back a million times over...

Mommy and Daddy

Being Brave

So I found this amazing little doodad at the gift shop in the hospital. I am pretty sure I was drawn to it…by God. He does that, remember the turtles? I saw it and the tears came and I instantly tried to hold them back for fear of someone thinking I was a strango. In that moment I really needed to hear God whisper that to me…

Nicki, are you listening? Are you brave? I know you are; I made you brave. I made you brave enough to try again.

 Oh, I love it when he whispers. It’s like snow falling on a quiet Saturday morning or big white puffy clouds floating over your head on a beautiful sunny day. It’s like water crashing on the shore and pink and orange streaks when the sun is setting. He is everywhere, in everything. Are you brave enough to listen?

He was speaking to me, again, that day in that gift shop. I was there to see baby Sophie and I was just in the beginning stages of fertility for baby number 2. Now, I was excited, pumped, overjoyed, happy and full of joy but oh there was anxiety. All the what ifs? What if it doesn’t work? What if it does work? What if the baby has a defect? What if the baby is perfect? What if I miscarry? What if I don’t love it as much as I love Elle? What if my heart is still too broken? What if people will think I’m stupid? What if I never have another baby? What if another baby dies? What will we do then? I’m pretty sure I mentioned this here in this secret place before but I hate questions. I hate them. I hate them especially when they have no answer. Not one of these questions has an answer.

In that little store when I saw that doodad hanging there the tears came and erased all of those questions.

      Be brave enough to try again

God erased all of the questions. God answered with his sweet whisper…

Oh Nicki you are brave, you are strong because of me remember? You are full of love, my love, and that is plenty to love a new baby. You trust me, remember? You know that my plan is the best plan and that I only have good things in store for you. You have my heart and I have yours, be brave, strong girl. Be brave.

I have heard some mamas like me say lately that they are so afraid to try again. So afraid to put it all on the line for that joy again. Please know that my prayers are with you each and every single day. I know that fear, I know that anxiety all too well. I know the darkness that it brings and the joy that it sucks right out of your life. Don’t listen, don’t believe the lies. God has a plan, a big, great, fabulous plan. He works all things for the good of those who love him with all of their hearts. Run to him and tell him all about the fear and how you need him to kick it in the butt. He does it best, I promise! Be brave mamas, be brave. God made you and he says to be brave enough to try again and he knows you can do it with his help.

Today my nephews and I went frog hunting. I could not love them more if I tried. We had fun and here are some pictures for your enjoyment. Have a fabulous weekend and be brave!

Elle's Mommy

When God Speaks

Has God ever spoken to you? Maybe it wasn’t audible but the tears in your eyes told you that God was definitely speaking. Saturday morning was one of those moments for me, what better time for God to speak than a Saturday morning. So, my mama and I went to a Mom’s of Multiples sale in our area. Mom’s of Multiples is a club in our area for, well, mom’s of multiples! J We went last year and got tons of baby stuff for our sweet Ellersley. Seriously, if you have one in your area you should definitely go because you can get 500 bucks of awesomeness for about 150 bucks. It’s insane! Anyway, we went this year with a friend of ours who is a single mama and in need of stuff for her new baby boy coming April 1st. So we went and it made me happy to remember the great time we had last year buying for  our sweet girl and it made me sad that this year I wasn’t one of the mommies toting around my 7 month old dressed up in all her St Patrick’s Day garb. *sigh* Such is life.

Let me preface all this by telling you about the great joy that is going on in the Deem household as of late. We started fertility meds…clomid, to be exact. We hoped and prayed that Elle would throw my body into perfectness as far as cycles go but much to my dismay she did not. Silly girl. So, here we are again, same place we were before Elle arrived at about the same time of the year. So we did the clomid and the story is long and detailed, much more than most people want to know I am finding, ha. The long and short of it is this: The doc says there is a high possibility that there are 2 eggs sitting inside waiting to be fertilized and well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what that means. “Yes, there is a high possibility that you could have twins, are you ok with that?” ARE WE OK WITH THAT???!!!????  We are ok with a litter at this point lady, bring it on! So we are now in the waiting stage…are we pregnant? Am I peeing more? Do my boobs hurt? Am I grouchy? Am I tired? That last one is not really any kind of indicator because well I am always tired. J I could sleep through a tornado or just any movie ever made. It’s in the genes, you can’t blame me. So anyway, um JOY? Pretty much a whole bunch of joy going on.

So…back to the sale. So we ran around and grabbed everything under the sun and we stood in line for about an hour before we could check out. We were the special ones with the 10 HUGE items trying to drag them all around the building on our way to check out. It was quite special and I’m pretty sure we were ticking off everyone within 5 steps of us. Alas, our friend got some SERIOUS deals and I got a Bumbo with a tray for 20 bucks and it looks brand new. Now, I know you are thinking why does she need a Bumbo??? She doesn’t have a baby here. Well, I will someday and I will need a Bumbo and I just love them and it was purple ok…give me a break.

So we FINALLY got to the room where we could check out and it was finally our turn to do so. We took our treasures and placed them on the table and one of them was a honu. My mom found this green little stuffed animal turtle in the toy area and whenever there are turtles we must have them. They remind us of that sweet baby we love so much. So she handed it to the cashier and the cashier rang it up and gave it back. My mom was holding it and realized that there was something inside this little turtle…”What is in this? Something is in here.” She flipped it over and the belly of the turtle had a Velcro strip on it. She opened that up and there inside that little stuffed animal turtle were 2 little teeny tiny baby turtles. Do you have goosebumps because I seriously do. My mom pretty much screamed and instantly started crying. She looked at me and I just stared in amazement and said “What in the world?”

And then the tears came, of course, tears of Joy and tears of amazement because of a God who knows the deepest part of my heart. I have no idea if I am pregnant, I have no idea if it is twins, I have no idea if I will ever have a baby again but God does. In that moment I realized, AGAIN, that God holds our future and our baby. He was just whispering to me that he is in control and no matter what happens this life is good and full of JOY at every turn. He was, AGAIN, letting me know that he has BIG plans for our life and BIG surprises in store for us. Like I said before, I have no idea if I am pregnant or if I am having twins but another little secret…both of the teeny tiny baby turtles inside that mama had pink bows on them. Yeah…seriously.

My mama and I walked out of there with huge smiles on our faces and tears in our eyes. God is just a funny guy, a really funny guy. I got to share the story of our sweet baby Ellersley that day also. The cashiers were, of course, looking at us like we each had three heads so I told them all about a sweet girl that was born on a hot night in August. I told them how we were now trying for baby number two and there was a chance for twins and how God just spoke in the middle of that place. They had tears and goosebumps too...when God speaks the body reacts.

I hope that you are listening for God and keeping an open heart and an open mind because God can even use a turtle with 2 babies in her belly.

Elle's Mommy

You are Light

So, yesterday was one of those days. UP and DOWN. We have family friends who had their first born baby yesterday. Their first born baby girl. I was genuinely excited, I mean really excited. I am not really close to this couple but my sister is and we have watched the brand new mama grow up into a very nice young lady. So, the fact that I was so excited was a little strange to me but I went with it. That morning was full of texts about how she was doing, what she was dilated and what the doctors were saying and when she finally started pushing. I was at work and I was NOT focusing, I'll just say that. My mind was all over the place. I kept thinking about Elle. I kept thinking about her birth story and how she came into this world. I kept thinking about how the birth is supposed to be the most exciting part, the happiest part, but for us it was the worst part. I kept thinking about what it must have been like for the doctors when they finally got to her and pulled her out. I cannot even imagine the horror of that moment. They tried to save her life, I wouldn't doubt if they pleaded with God to just make it work already. Make the breathing and the beating work, God, make it work.


I went to see little baby Sophie and I held her and smiled at her and talked to her like she were my very own. I didn't kiss her because well, germs. She was fresh and red and warm and snuggly. She had pink on as all little girls do and she had that little hat that all newborns have. I was ok in all of those moments but afterwards the sadness rolled in. I wish I could find a way to explain it to all of you but it is almost impossible. I don't want it to come, I want to be happy in every moment. I want baby Sophie's birth and every birth to bring me only joy but the truth is that it doesn't. It comes with so much sorrow and so much hurt and so much pain. It comes with so many tears. It brings an ache that I can only give to my Jesus and tell him to do what he does; to give me peace in place of my ache.


Yesterday, before I went to see baby Sophie, I went to see my sweet girl in the place where her earthly body rests. I stood and told her how much I love her and we shared secrets that are only between her and I. When I got back in my car this song was on by Kari Jobe, We are. I love her. As the tears rolled down my face, my God reminded me of what I am. I am the light of the world, I am the city on a hill...I've got to let my light shine. I told him that it was not easy to be this light and that some days feel so dark that no light can ever be found. He reminded me..."Light shines in the darkness for the godly..." Psalm 112:4. He reminded me that he is near my heart every day, waiting to catch the tears that he knows will come. He wants to hold my sorrow and take my pain and he can't wait to make it all right again. He wanted me to know that this all was not in vain. Elle's story is a light in this dark, dark world. He reminded me that we are a light for all to see.


Thank you Jesus for reminding me of your light that shines brightly in the darkness. Thank you for reminding me that we are your light, that Elle and her story is your light. Ease my pain today, allow me the privilege of feeling your sweet peace. Thank you for being my light in the darkness. You always know how to make my heart happy again. Ease the pain Jesus, ease the pain...

You are the light of the world--like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.

Matthew 5:14