Saturday, March 24, 2012

Being Brave

So I found this amazing little doodad at the gift shop in the hospital. I am pretty sure I was drawn to it…by God. He does that, remember the turtles? I saw it and the tears came and I instantly tried to hold them back for fear of someone thinking I was a strango. In that moment I really needed to hear God whisper that to me…

Nicki, are you listening? Are you brave? I know you are; I made you brave. I made you brave enough to try again.
 Oh, I love it when he whispers. It’s like snow falling on a quiet Saturday morning or big white puffy clouds floating over your head on a beautiful sunny day. It’s like water crashing on the shore and pink and orange streaks when the sun is setting. He is everywhere, in everything. Are you brave enough to listen?
He was speaking to me, again, that day in that gift shop. I was there to see baby Sophie and I was just in the beginning stages of fertility for baby number 2. Now, I was excited, pumped, overjoyed, happy and full of joy but oh there was anxiety. All the what ifs? What if it doesn’t work? What if it does work? What if the baby has a defect? What if the baby is perfect? What if I miscarry? What if I don’t love it as much as I love Elle? What if my heart is still too broken? What if people will think I’m stupid? What if I never have another baby? What if another baby dies? What will we do then? I’m pretty sure I mentioned this here in this secret place before but I hate questions. I hate them. I hate them especially when they have no answer. Not one of these questions has an answer.
In that little store when I saw that doodad hanging there the tears came and erased all of those questions.
      Be brave enough to try again
God erased all of the questions. God answered with his sweet whisper…
Oh Nicki you are brave, you are strong because of me remember? You are full of love, my love, and that is plenty to love a new baby. You trust me, remember? You know that my plan is the best plan and that I only have good things in store for you. You have my heart and I have yours, be brave, strong girl. Be brave.
I have heard some mamas like me say lately that they are so afraid to try again. So afraid to put it all on the line for that joy again. Please know that my prayers are with you each and every single day. I know that fear, I know that anxiety all too well. I know the darkness that it brings and the joy that it sucks right out of your life. Don’t listen, don’t believe the lies. God has a plan, a big, great, fabulous plan. He works all things for the good of those who love him with all of their hearts. Run to him and tell him all about the fear and how you need him to kick it in the butt. He does it best, I promise! Be brave mamas, be brave. God made you and he says to be brave enough to try again and he knows you can do it with his help.
Today my nephews and I went frog hunting. I could not love them more if I tried. We had fun and here are some pictures for your enjoyment. Have a fabulous weekend and be brave!

Elle's Mommy


Hannah Leake Mitchell said...

Nicki, that little wall hanging left me speechless. It is beautiful, and speaks right to my heart in so many ways. I'm glad it did for you too. I love His powerful reminders even in the everyday parts of our lives. Is it ok if I share that picture you took?

Elizabeth said...

thanks for sharing and teaching us to be brave!

Kristy said...

That is so sweet. I actually told God a few days ago, "ok, I'm ready to be pregnant again, no matter the outcome."