Saturday, March 3, 2012

You are Light

So, yesterday was one of those days. UP and DOWN. We have family friends who had their first born baby yesterday. Their first born baby girl. I was genuinely excited, I mean really excited. I am not really close to this couple but my sister is and we have watched the brand new mama grow up into a very nice young lady. So, the fact that I was so excited was a little strange to me but I went with it. That morning was full of texts about how she was doing, what she was dilated and what the doctors were saying and when she finally started pushing. I was at work and I was NOT focusing, I'll just say that. My mind was all over the place. I kept thinking about Elle. I kept thinking about her birth story and how she came into this world. I kept thinking about how the birth is supposed to be the most exciting part, the happiest part, but for us it was the worst part. I kept thinking about what it must have been like for the doctors when they finally got to her and pulled her out. I cannot even imagine the horror of that moment. They tried to save her life, I wouldn't doubt if they pleaded with God to just make it work already. Make the breathing and the beating work, God, make it work.

I went to see little baby Sophie and I held her and smiled at her and talked to her like she were my very own. I didn't kiss her because well, germs. She was fresh and red and warm and snuggly. She had pink on as all little girls do and she had that little hat that all newborns have. I was ok in all of those moments but afterwards the sadness rolled in. I wish I could find a way to explain it to all of you but it is almost impossible. I don't want it to come, I want to be happy in every moment. I want baby Sophie's birth and every birth to bring me only joy but the truth is that it doesn't. It comes with so much sorrow and so much hurt and so much pain. It comes with so many tears. It brings an ache that I can only give to my Jesus and tell him to do what he does; to give me peace in place of my ache.

Yesterday, before I went to see baby Sophie, I went to see my sweet girl in the place where her earthly body rests. I stood and told her how much I love her and we shared secrets that are only between her and I. When I got back in my car this song was on by Kari Jobe, We are. I love her. As the tears rolled down my face, my God reminded me of what I am. I am the light of the world, I am the city on a hill...I've got to let my light shine. I told him that it was not easy to be this light and that some days feel so dark that no light can ever be found. He reminded me..."Light shines in the darkness for the godly..." Psalm 112:4. He reminded me that he is near my heart every day, waiting to catch the tears that he knows will come. He wants to hold my sorrow and take my pain and he can't wait to make it all right again. He wanted me to know that this all was not in vain. Elle's story is a light in this dark, dark world. He reminded me that we are a light for all to see.

Thank you Jesus for reminding me of your light that shines brightly in the darkness. Thank you for reminding me that we are your light, that Elle and her story is your light. Ease my pain today, allow me the privilege of feeling your sweet peace. Thank you for being my light in the darkness. You always know how to make my heart happy again. Ease the pain Jesus, ease the pain...

You are the light of the world--like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.
Matthew 5:14

1 comment:

Jill said...

oh this brought me to tears. The pain, I know it all too well.

I couldnt be near any babies or little children. I just couldnt bring myself to do it for quite some time.

You are in my thoughts sweet mama <3