Friday, March 30, 2012


This life is full of opportunities to be vulnerable. When I think of the word I think of weakness, cowardice, letting down your guard. I looked it up @ and this is what it says…
         Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt; open to moral attack or criticism;open to assault; difficult to defend
Have you ever been taken advantage of? I have and I think that is why my thoughts of vulnerability are so negative. Vulnerability has never been an easy characteristic for me to possess. I, as I’ve stated many times before, am a control freak. Vulnerability is not a part of the vocabulary of a control freak. I have learned very difficultly over the past 4 years how to become a vulnerable person, one who allows people to see her heart even when it’s aching.
After Ellersley passed away we decided that we wanted to make sure we were always vulnerable; vulnerable to each other, vulnerable to God, vulnerable to others. We wanted to feel. We didn’t ever want to stop feeling;  we knew that would be the beginning of a road that we did not want to go down. So, we did as God asked of us. We felt the pain, we felt the anguish, we left our hearts open to each other and to all of you. We left our hearts open to God so that he could form and mold them into something perfect. We were vulnerable. Today, I must tell you about the ache that I have and why I never want to be vulnerable again.
We were pregnant. We had new life, a new baby, a new dream and a new hope. We ran around with excitement the same morning the test said positive and we told our families. Each one of them shouted for joy and some cried tears of thankfulness to God that it had really happened. We were full of thankfulness, full of newness and full of overwhelming joy. We were speechless…we had been brave enough to try again and God had been faithful.
We told our friends and our church family even though we were only four weeks because God said to be vulnerable. We were vulnerable. They cried tears of joy and shouted with praise; they joined us in praising the One who holds all of our dreams. We announced it on Facebook because we were listening to his voice and we were vulnerable. We had over 100 likes…haha weird to say but awesome to see. People were rejoicing with us. We were on cloud nine.
Monday came and we had blood work done, it showed positive for pregnancy and we rejoiced over our new sweet baby. Wednesday came and we had more blood work done and we waited to see if my levels would increase like they should, we trusted and believed. We were vulnerable. Thursday morning came and with it came what no new mommy ever wants to see. Especially a mommy who has lost a baby already; a mommy whose heart is already fragile, already vulnerable. We called the doctor and they said that my levels went down instead of going up and coupled with the bleeding that was an indication of a miscarriage. Our baby was leaving. It would not be staying, it would not be here in 9 months.
Vulnerable. Be vulnerable Nicki, open your heart and let me in. Open your heart and let Wesley in. Open your heart and let your family and your friends in. Trust me. I will take care of you.
It doesn’t feel good to be vulnerable. It makes me mad, it makes me feel stupid, it makes me feel embarrassed, it makes me feel out of control, it makes me feel weak. I hate it, if I am being honest. I told Wesley that if there is a next time, I don’t want to find out until we are about 2 months along because then maybe we will save ourselves from this pain and suffering. Maybe our hearts will not be so crushed again, I don’t know the rules on broken hearts, I mean there can only be so many times that they break right??? and then you are just out of luck.
My husband in all of his wisdom said no. He always says no to all my ideas, what’s up with that? He reminded me that vulnerability allows God to use us. God will use this just like he used Ellersley’s life and death. He not only taught us things through that experience but he taught our entire church things that they never would have learned otherwise. How can I be angry at him for that? He used us to disciple others, isn’t that what we were called to do, at no cost. Whatever the cost Lord, use me. That’s tough but that’s to be our attitude right?
If we were not vulnerable there may be lessons that we never learned and lessons that you never learned. God works in ways that are not our ways. Vulnerability is a path that God can work thru, an open heart and an open soul. He’s looking for vulnerable people to use in this life…I hate it but I prayed that he would make me vulnerable and he did and he is using it. I guess all there is left to say is thank you Lord for answering my prayers.

Our new sweet baby,
We love you so much more than any words in this life could ever express. Our hearts are broken over the life that has been lost but they also rejoice at the joy you are now experiencing. Daddy and I are so jealous. We know that you are dancing with our sweet Ellersley in the place that holds all of our dreams. Like Daddy said, we are truly building up our treasures in heaven. We cannot wait to hold you and hug you and kiss you and dance at Jesus’s feet with you and Elle. Oh, what a day that will be! Our days with you were short but we are so happy that you will be ours forever. We put our turtle stickers on my car and we added one for you. Two babies, Daddy and I could not be happier. We love you sweet new baby and we will miss you until the day that Jesus will make all things new and our broken hearts will stop bleeding forever. We love you to the moon and back a million times over...

Mommy and Daddy


Heather said...

My heart breaks for you two ... under all the trials and tests, are two of the strongest people I've ever met. Hold fast my loves, the Lord is near us when we pray. He grieves when we grieve. He loves us so much, more than we can imagine and oh how we love. Draw near to the Lord ...

Katie Clark Davis said...

Nicki, I love you - with all my heart, as my sister in Christ, I love you.

Aunt Rachel said...

I love you guys so much. Thank you for being vulnerable thank you for teaching me that it's worth it no matter what. I've learned so much from you, more than a little sister could ever hope for. And everyone learns from their big sister, right? Not like I do, I am certainly blessed. Thank you for being you no matter what. I love you and I love Elle and my little niece/nephew more than I ever thought I could. I can't wait to have two babies run to me in heaven :) oh I definitely can't wait.

Kiara Buechler said...

Nicki, I am so sorry for the loss of your second baby. I think you did the right thing telling everyone so they could rejoice with you, because now they can all mourn with you and pray with you. I'll be thinking of you.

Hannah Leake Mitchell said...

So hard to think of facing loss on top of loss. I am really sorry those newly healing wounds were torn open again. I think you are very brave. I know how it feels to have your longing for a baby be bigger than your fears of losing again. Keep clinging to God's promise to sustain you. He will.