What A Difference A Year Makes

It will be a year of blogging tomorrow...October 13th. Let's all just stop for a minute because that is just plain, stinking insanity. One entire year. Wow, time flies boys and girls, time definitely flies.

 

I have enjoyed this secret place that we meet every...well, whenever my INSANE life decides to allow me a moment to sit and reflect; I have enjoyed it very much. It has given me an outlet; a place where I can share my deepest hurts and my deepest desires. It is a place that I can feel free to give God what for and allow him to change the darkest parts of my heart. It is a place where I meet with all of you. I share with you what God has been showing me in my little, tiny part of the world. I hope and pray that it has made a difference. I must tell you that I very much so enjoy getting emails and comments from each and every one of you but it is so very different when someone mentions it in person. I love it, PLEASE don't get me wrong, but it is different. I feel like some sort of violation of privacy is being made. It makes me laugh a little because this totally could be my control rearing it's ugly head. I just feel like we are in some dark alley talking about a CIA mission that no one but Jack Bauer is allowed to know about. I want to say, "Shhhhhhh they are all gonna hear you!!!" I am crazy...

 

Anyway, in saying all of this I mean to say thank you for making this place so very special to me. You have made this year easier, bearable and let's go ahead and say fun. I love each and every single one of you and I can't wait to see where Jesus takes this blog in the next year. Thank you for making it a success...and just for blogging fun we will dig back to one year ago and take a look at where life had us...

 

October 13th, 2011

There is a scar now on my lower abdomen. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still pangs with a sharp stinging pain when I sneeze or bump it against something. It goes across my belly in a straight red line, an ever-present reminder of where love used to be. You see, before this scar there was a swollen belly, full of all the love and joy one could possess. A belly full of promise, a belly full of dreams, a belly full of life. Her name is Ellersley Grace and she lived there, before the scar, for 7 months, 1 week and 1 day. She filled that belly with hope, with joy, with thankfulness and with more LOVE than we ever thought possible. She filled us with dreams of her future and dreams of our future together. But, then that scar came. The scar brought something other than hope and joy and love. Oh, it brought those things but it also brought sorrow and groaning and an ache so deep that it feels like it will never end. It brought fear, uncertainty and anger. It destroyed our dreams and tried to destroy our future. I read this statement in a book, love always leaves a significant mark. See, our love was there filling my belly and when she came out she left a very significant mark. Now, not only is there a mark on my belly but one on my heart. A scar that will forever remain. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still hurts when I see her beautiful face or catch a glimpse of a mommy snuggling with her baby. A scar that makes my heart bleed. Your love left a very significant mark Miss Elle.

Thank you Jesus for scars. Thank you for having scars before mine. Scars that saved me, healed me and promised to make all things new. Scars that left a mark on you, a mark on history and a mark on me. Keep healing Jesus, I am waiting...

Oh, how I remember that day; so much sadness. I still have that scar; the one on my belly and the one on my heart. Only, a year later something is growing out of the one on my heart, sounds gross but go with me on this one. Something is growing and changing the shape of that scar; there is love growing there, for another. Love that endures, love that bears all things, love with no limits, love with no conditions, love that is ready to take in a child that did not grow in my belly but grew in my heart. I never thought I would be able to love again when she left my belly...I thought all of my love went to heaven with her. God showed me that was not the case and that His love is what was in me and His love was enough to overcome death. His love did overcome death, all those years ago and just a little over a year ago.

 

Now, because of the scar that our Elle left and because of what God has allowed to grow there, we are waiting. We are waiting for a precious and brave mama to make the decision of a lifetime. We are waiting for her to say yes or to say no. We cannot believe God and our Elle brought us to this place. We are forever grateful and He has been forever faithful. We know that He had a plan one year ago and he has a plan for one year from today. He knows if this baby will be our baby and he knows if this baby won't be our baby. We are trusting in His mighty love and we would be honored if you would join us in prayer for this brave woman and her sweet baby.

 

Jesus, I love you and you have put a permanent smile on our faces. You are crazy and that is just the plain, stinking truth. We are constantly in awe of your great love and your intimate care for us. Jesus, be with us this weekend as we wait to hear life-altering news. Be with this mama...my heart, that scar, it aches for her. We are eerily similar, her and I. I know the ache of handing my baby to someone knowing I will never see her again. Please give her wisdom and peace and soothe her breaking heart. Thank you for this place in our lives, we could not be more in love with each other, with you, with Elle and with the new baby that you may have for us. Give peace Jesus, lots and lots of peace...

 

Elle's Mommy 

Prayer...lots and lots of Prayer

There is a family that is in desperate need of your prayers. This family lost their son, Owen, in August of 2011 at 41 weeks pregnant. They have danced the dance of grief and joy over the son they never got to love like they wanted to. Now, Catherine is pregnant again and she is about 22 weeks along. The doctor's are saying that this family's newest son, Josiah, has Trisomy 18 and will not live outside the womb. Josiah has two living siblings, Braden and Addison. Please pray for this sweet family; pray for peace in the midst of great sadness. Pray for these parents that they will have the strength to tell their children, yet again, that their baby brother may not be coming home. Pray for their aching and breaking hearts. Pray for peace of mind and the strength to walk through yet another tragedy. And lastly, pray for a miracle. Pray that God would allow a miraculous healing of this sweet, tiny baby. We know that He can and we know that He holds our entire life in the palm of His hand. Pray for sweet peace...

 

Jesus, I tell you to be near all the time and this time I mean it. Cover this home, cover this family, cover this mama, cover this baby. Jesus, we don't understand. Why does the world hold so much pain and heartache for so many people? I know that we aren't entitled to anything but hasn't this family had enough? Jesus, they ran to you when their Owen left. They trusted in you and your promises. They believed that you would heal and you did. They need you now, they need your peace and they need to hear your promises. Whisper to them Jesus, give them hope and a peace that does truly pass all the understanding this world can offer. Be close as they sleep; give them rest. Protect their children's fragile, tiny hearts. Give them the right words to say to explain your will and your plan for every life. Oh, Jesus just do what you do and do it well. I have no words, you know how angry this makes me...I can only imagine theirs; take it and turn it into joy, somehow...

 

In The Flood- Catherine's blog

 

Psalm 139:16

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day has passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

 

Elle's Mommy

God's Wonderful Plan

I have barely started writing this post and I am already crying...that should tell you it's gonna be a good one, haha!

 

I bought a book about a week ago. I went to Berean (a Christian bookstore in our area). I was looking for a specific type of book and I was not having any luck. Once I talked to the lovely customer assistant, I realized this bookstore didn't really carry what I was looking for. I was mad but nonetheless I traversed back to the children's department to see if they had anything fun. I picked this book up knowing where it would lead and well, it surely did lead to where I thought and that was to a lot of tears. I have not really cried in a public place like that in a very long time but I really could not stop the tears from coming. I was with my parents and I took the book over to them and told them to read it and then I had to walk away because well, the dam was about to burst.

 

 God's Wonderful Plan

 

We are adopting...

 

I'm very full of joy today. God made me in a special way. I praise Him as I walk along. I praise Him with my special song.

 

I cannot believe that life has actually brought us to this place, well I should say Jesus- he has brought us to this place. The emotions are all over the map. We are so happy, we are so full of joy, we are so excited, we are so thankful; but we are also so anxious, we are so nervous, we are so scared, we are so overwhelmed.

 

It's times like these I take delight, in ladybugs and bees in flight. I see God in the sky of blue. He's in the grass and flowers, too.

 

We have been preparing for our home study interview which is tomorrow. We have filled out over 1,000 pieces of paper. We have made over 1,000 copies of all of those 1,000 pieces of paper. We ordered Wes's birth certificate because for some reason his was lost? Hm...hope that doesn't come back to bite us in the butt any time soon. We have installed smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors. We put a fire extinguisher under our sink. We have cleaned this entire home, TOP TO BOTTOM. If you haven't seen our house and always wanted to, now is your chance, it will NEVER look like this again. We have had physicals. We have done A LOT.

 

God knows all insects love to eat. So He makes crunchy leaves so sweet. I praise Him for my daily bread, then nibble branches overhead.

 

But, none of that has come close to the preparation God has been doing over the past 7 years. God had a plan...and He has made sure that His plan gets accomplished. We have always been drawn to adoption. We felt God's pull after Wesley graduated from PureLife and we pursued it for a minute but then God pointed us in another direction. That direction was Elle. We pursued doctors and medicine and along with God, we created life. We were so happy, we felt God's love for us in every kick and every roll of that sweet baby. Then, God took her.

 

I trust in God to give good things. But, sometimes, I wish I had wings. Still, I believe God has a plan, one that I do not understand.

 

We cried and we screamed at Him. We told Him that something must have gone terribly wrong. This could not be the plan, He didn't mean for this to happen, He couldn't. But, oh how He loves us so. He whispered for a year that this was the plan and we just needed to wait and see. He said to trust Him for He only gives good things. We went through so many emotions; sadness, bitterness, anger, hate, pity, and envy. We begged Him to give her back and we begged Him to give us another biological baby. He smiled and whispered again, just wait and see, I have a great plan for you that only holds good things.

 

God thought of everything, it seems - like warm cocoons and pleasant dreams. I praise Him as I take my rest. I trust He'll give me what is best.

 

We trusted Him and kept living this life. Adoption came up and we smiled and knew He was speaking. We jumped in full force and now we are moving slowly through each hoop. We had reservations; what will happen? Will we love this baby as much as we love Elle? Will we be able to explain adoption easily and comfortably to a growing child? Will the money be there? Will we pass all the inspections? Will we want to have contact with a birth mother and father? Will we be able to bond with our baby? What if the baby dies? What if the mother changes her mind? What if we lose another baby?

 

Then I wake up, open my eyes, and praise God for this big surprise. A butterfly with wings I see - Yes, that is what God planned for me!

 

Then, He whispered, This is what I have been planning, trust me. I have been preparing your hearts to love a child that comes from another's womb. I know that you can do it and you will do it well. Your life will be transformed; sadness to joy, ashes to beauty, rain to sunshine, caterpillar to butterfly. I love you and I adopted you into my family and I expect you to do the same. I have been the perfect example of that love.

 

We are adopting and we could not be happier. We hope that all of you will pray for us; that Jesus would give peace of mind through this nerve-wracking process, that Jesus would stay our focus, that our baby would be kept safe and warm in his or her birth mother's womb and that we would be united in God's perfect timing. Please join us in praying for our birth parents (whomever they may be); for their health and safety and peace of mind in the brave decision they will make for their child.

 

 Thank you all for your prayers and your joy over us and the plan that God is always orchestrating.

 

Elle's Mommy

The way I see you...

Ellersley,

 

Today is the 13th of September. I knew yesterday that it was coming but this morning when I woke up I had no idea that today it had been 13 months since you came and left all at once. I woke up bright and early and waited for my kids to get here. You know, Rozzy and Hunter...I am sure you have seen me rocking Rozzy to sleep and singing to her just like I longed to do with you. We had a good morning watching Baby Einsteins or is it Little Einsteins, I'm not sure. You would think I would know by now since I've probably seen it about 1.2 million times. Anyway, after Rozzy's nap we took a walk through our neighborhood. You and I and Daddy have walked these roads many times before; when you were a wild woman kicking away in my belly. On our walk today I was telling Hunter and Rozzy what a beautiful day it was and Hunter and I were admiring the gorgeous blue sky. I thought of you, of course, because the sky always reminds me of heaven and well, heaven always reminds me of you. When you came to mind I smiled and then my body ached for a minute...

 

Today is the 13th...

 

It has happened every month for a year now, I'm used to it's pang. So, I smiled softly and I kept on walking; just like Daddy and I have done for the past year. I thought about how this month we won't be sending balloons up to you; that made me kind of sad but also kind of happy. Happy that we did that every month for an entire year and sad that it's now over. It doesn't mean we won't remember you or that we won't ever send balloons again...so don't get sad. It just means that life has moved forward and for that I am forever grateful. I must tell you that I had some feelings of relief. Relief that the grief is changing. The year of firsts is done and over. We won't have to go through our first Christmas without you again, we won't have to go through our first family get together without you, we won't have to go through our first Mother's Day without you or our first Father's Day without you. Those are all over and even though we will have to go through those days forever, I am hoping that they won't sting nearly as bad as that first time.

 

I was rocking Rozzy to sleep for her afternoon nap and I had a revelation and I know you probably already know what it is, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I was rocking her and singing to her and looking at all of your pictures that are hanging up in your room. I was thinking of you and what you would be like at 13 months. Then, I realized something. No longer do I think of you as that sweet, little, tiny baby we held 13 months ago for just a few hours. No longer do I think of you as not breathing and not crying and not moving. No longer do I think of you in that little, tiny box. No longer. When I say your name and when I see your face, I see Daddy and I down on our knees. I see a beautiful blue sky in a gorgeous, lush park. I see the greenest grass I've ever seen and beautiful trees and flowers everywhere. And then, I see you at maybe 3 or 4 years old and you are running as fast as you can. Your long, gorgeous, blond hair is down and going crazy in the wind. You are smiling and laughing and your big blue eyes are shining. You are running to us and your smile and laughter says that you can't wait to hug and kiss us. We are smiling and laughing with anticipation and when you finally get to us Daddy scoops you up and we kiss and hug and tickle you forever. That is what I see when I think of you, sweet girl. Thirteen months it has been...just one month closer to that blond, gorgeous hair, those shining blue eyes, that sweet little laugh and those big, fantastic hugs. We love you Ellersley Grace...to the moon and back...

 

Mommy

The Consistency of Change

We had a missionary couple speak at our church this past Sunday; they are missionaries to indigenous groups in Mexico.

 

"The only thing consistent in my life is change." she spoke to the crowd.

 

I laughed because well, that's hilarious. Then I realized that is my life, to a tee. We have discussed my hatred for all things change and if we haven't, we have discussed my love for all things control which basically means, I hate change. I haven't written in a while and well, I really have no excuse. The only one that I do have is a crappy one; I am a busy lady! Change has been a flowin' and I have tried my hardest to keep up and well, my writing got lost in the middle somewhere.

 

Let me give you an inside glimpse in bullets...

 

• We celebrated Elle's 1 year in heaven- fabulous time but came with some emotions I did not expect; happiness, joy and a bit of relief. I am still trying to figure all those out and still love and cherish my beautiful baby.
• We had to say goodbye to amazing friends; that I did blog about so no sense in reliving that mess
• Wesley's job schedule changed back to afternoons which BLOWS...1 to 10 again...U G H
• I started watching the most wonderful little lady 3 days a week...she's awesome but working again is taking some getting used to
• We are elated to announce that we are officially filling out the mounds of paperwork for our first adoption. The smiles on our faces could not even be wiped off if anyone tried. This is fantastic but also a full-time job, for real.
• We also just became youth sponsors and are helping lead our youth group since they are youth pastorless at the time being. This has been more amazing than we imagined it would be...the stress level and the fun level have been taken to new heights.
• Wesley is also beginning to take some online classes for more knowledge about the bible and that is added happiness but also loss of control, money and the thought that we had a clue what God was planning to do with our lives.
• Back to the adoption bullet...did I mention also a loss of money, control and the thought that we had a clue what God was planning to do with our lives? Yeah that applies here too...
• My sister and her husband left us here in Ohio while they pursue God's call in Missouri...that is awesome and craptastic at the same time.
• The Walk for the Angels is coming up and while I am not involved in the planning of this day whatsoever, it still stresses me out, because I'm a freak...let's all say it together.
• And to top it all off, I have no time to spend with my nephews because I'm busy stressing about all this other stuff...and well, that just stinks. We facetimed the other day, even though they live like 10 minutes to the left of us, and Kyle said "You can come to our house, cuz we are here!" Oh, my love for them grows every day...and my heart breaks when I don't make time for them.

So, there is my whininess...aren't you happy you read today? You were looking for encouraging and uplifting and all you got was whining. :) So, just so you know all this change is turning out to be pretty awesome. God is moving and changing and whispering in ways that we never thought he would, ya think ya know a guy... I do want to encourage and uplift today so I will say this...embrace the change. Embrace it! It doesn't feel good, I know. I've had a lot of it but, it's good for you. God is creating something beautiful out of all the change that is going on around you and he is just so excited about it and He's waiting for you to get on board. It took me a few weeks to adjust but I am slowly starting to get it. It takes me a while, people.

 

Jeremiah 17:7 But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.

 

Love this verse and love that Biblegateway capitalizes LORD...awesome! Change surrounds but I will trust in Him; He is my hope and my confidence. I love you guys and I miss you and I make no promises because well, life is crazy! :) I hope you are enjoying your journey as much as we are enjoying ours!

 

Thank you Lord for change... You know how many years it has taken for me to be able to say that. I love you and I pray for change in every reader's life. I pray you will cause change that will cause them to grow in leaps and bounds spiritually. You are so crazy and I love sitting back and watching all that you are orchestrating in each life. Keep me joyful, keep me peaceful and keep me humble...

 

Elle's Mommy