Monday, July 23, 2012

Sacred Ground

The house feels eerie...I am not sure that eerie is the word I'm looking for. Sacred, perhaps. This place is the place that we mourned her. We left here that night that she decided to arrive and we had to come back here. We had to walk those steps all over, we had to come back into this house where that tragedy began. We had to sleep in that bed and we had to walk through that living room.

As I sat in my living room tonight the heaviness of the time that is coming upon us took my breath away. It's almost been a year. August is almost here. This time, this ground; it all feels so sacred. I shouldn't be here, it's too much to walk through, it's too personal. It is personal, it is ours. It's our house, our sacred ground. I find myself remembering those quiet days after she left...days full of sunshine, lots of walks under the blue sky and our entire family sitting in our living room. They just sat there and talked. They filled our house with the sound of their voices and a lot of laughter. It was good medicine in those days. The laughter was mixed with tears throughout the day but that was ok. They didn't mind our tears and sometimes it was even some of them with the tears.

The time is coming soon and the heaviness has already shown up. I always know when it's on it's way; rolling in like a dark cloud that just can't stop itself. It wreaks of pain, heartache, longing and sadness. It taunts me and tells me that she will never be here. She will never live in this sacred place. She is the reason it is so sacred to begin with. It all began with her...it all began with her. Then, I am reminded that all of this did begin with her and I am so happy that it did. This time of year may prove to be difficult for us every year but we know that most of the year we will remember the joy of our Ellersley. We will remember the happiness she put into this home and into many hearts.

But, tonight I will sit and cry and take in the sacredness. I will let it overtake me because that's what this dance of grief is all about. I cannot push these times to the side or I will never learn what He is trying to teach me in the midst of them. I will remember those days after her...I will remember the tears, the heaviness, the sadness, the laughter, the hugs, the kisses from my sweet nephews, the love of my very best friend, the meals, the cards, the money, the visits...I will remember all of these things.

Jesus...the time is coming. Be near to our hearts, Lord. Tonight as I remember those sacred days, please wipe away my tears and take my kisses to my sweet baby girl...

Elle's Mommy

4 comments:

Mattie said...

August is when our hardest months begin as well. Sending you love new friend...

Tesha said...

Nicki this made me cry, I so know that heaviness you speak of. On Jonathan six month anniversary I have to say my heart is heavy. I can imagine one year will be difficult. I love your thankful heart in the mist of this storm. I will thinking of you and praying for you as the day draws near. May Jesus carry you in this sacred time and may the sadness be seasoned with love and laughter. Hugs sweet mamma.

Beth said...

Big hugs. I totally understand. When we came back to our house after our daughter's stillbirth, it seemed impossible that it still existed. It was so silent and so empty-feeling...sacred is totally the right word.

April said...

Nicki,
Unfortunately we all feel the heaviness in your heart. I agree, your home is the sacred ground. You can cry there, fall apart there, be yourself there and no one can judge you. The first year after Lily's passing was the hardest, most trying time of my life. I relived every moment, every memory, every date. The days leading up to her birth were pure torture. I want you to know that although we are all different, I felt such peace on Lily's birthday, it was so unexpected but relieving at the same time. I pray for you in the days and weeks to come. Nothing is as hard as the path that we have all been chosen to walk. Much love to you. xo xo