Tuesday, July 3, 2012

When You Come Back

(don't forget to pause the music on the left)
 
 
So, there is this song. I know, I know...I post a lot of songs but music is just so amazing. It reaches to the depths and pulls out emotions that you have had for so long but never knew exactly what they were. When THAT song comes on it's like this... 

"OHHHHHHH that's what it is. That's what I've been feeling all this time, so glad we got that cleared up!"

That song for me is 'When You Come Back' by JJ Heller. If you are a baby loss mama and have never listened to JJ Heller...DO IT! She will clear up some of those nagging emotions you can't quite pinpoint, I promise!

In the months following my sweet pea's death, you could find me walking. Yes, walking. I walked everywhere, all the time. I walked up and down my street, I walked all over the cemetery, I walked from my local library to the cemetery and back, I walked from the library to my dentist, I walked from the cemetery to my parent's house, I walked everywhere. My husband said that I was walking it out. That is exactly what I was doing, I was walking out the sadness.

Some thought I was insane to walk so many miles, but it was not hard. I was busy, I was walking it out. Those days and those walks were full of many discussions with God. We talked about what had happened and what else our life would hold. We talked about all the joy he gave us in Ellersley and all the people who had shown us so much love. We discussed quite heavily the fact that I would rather not have to endure the loss of more children. He apparently listened but did not act on that one. Hm....He's the boss, remember?

Those walks are held in a special spot in my heart, walks with my Jesus and with my Ellersley. I walked to walk out my sadness but I also walked because that is one thing I longed to do with our little girl. I wanted to take her on walks. As a family, we walk a lot. I love going on walks with Wesley, with our nephews, with my parents and my sister and my brother-in-law. We were so looking forward to taking Elle on all of our walks. So, I walked through August, September, October and November; maybe even into December.

One day while walking through the sunshine, sometime in September, I came across this song. It is me directly speaking to my King. It is every feeling that I had in those early months, longing to be with him and my little lady. I had no idea how to travel this road that he had so carefully put me on. I thought that I knew how to trust him but I found in the midst of the raging waves that I had no idea how to trust him. I sang this to him and I cried as I walked those quiet roads of that cemetery.

 I don't know how to follow you
without losing my way;
        Jesus come and take me by the hand

I don't know how to trust
 that you will do the things you say;
Spirit teach me how to understand

That your love can heal
 the wreckage of my soul;
the beauty of your light shining in me

I don't know when you'll take me home
 to paradise with you;
the day when I will finally be free

Oh, the day 
When you come back for me 

He whispered to me that day in the wind and let me know that his love can heal the wreckage of my soul. The damage that had been done, the brokenness that I felt could be healed by him. He told me that the beauty of his light was shining in me for all to see. He told me that one day I will be free. Free of sin, free of a broken heart, free of anger, free of bitterness, free of the ache of this life, free of control, free of distrust, free of anxiety; FREE.

This song is my love song to him and each time I hear it I smile and a tear rolls down my cheek. He is my love and all that I live for. He is the reason I loved Ellersley so much and he is the reason I love Wesley and our families so much. He is the reason that I can stand up today. He is the reason that there is joy in my heart where there was once so much sadness. He is my King.

Thank you Jesus that there will be a day when you come back for me. Thank you that this world is not the end. This heartache is not the end. There is more to the story. Thank you for holding me oh so close in those days following Elle's death and every day thereafter. Thank you for music and your divine appointments with it. Thank you for the day when I will be free. My smile says it all. You are my King and I love you. Your love is healing the wreckage of my soul, all I can say is thank you...

Elle's Mommy

This is a blog hop for any baby loss mama's that would like to share your blog here. I am linking up and blog hopping with Tesha at Tesha's Treasures. Please link-up and encourage another mama on her journey of love, loss and hope!

6 comments:

Lisa W. said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I am so thankful for The One who knows where this path leads and guides me along the way. That is a perfect song. You might like her song "Your Hands" http://youtu.be/FlL8LayF0uw if you haven't already heard it.

Tesha said...

Love the song, thank you for sharing it. I am also move, inspired and brought close to god through music. Prayer being said for you now friend!

The Kimmels said...

I also love music, it speaks to me in ways that nothing else can. I also like JJ Heller's "Your Hands" song. I'm sure you've heard it :)

Kristy said...

Love that song. Didn't know who it was by until now. Thanks :)

Mamascham said...

I am crying. What an amazing testimony of Jesus healing your heart. It gives me hope. Maybe it is time I try going for a walk. A beautiful song. I haven't heard it before today. Thanks for sharing.

April said...

Nicki,
So nice to hear from you, thank you for thinking of us. Your post gave me goose bumps-hearing you talk about the first days, weeks and months after losing your sweet Elle breaks my heart for what we have all endured. When I think of other women and men who will walk those roads my heart sinks. We have lived it and somehow are still here through the darkeness. When we lost our sweet Lily my niece wrote me a quote that I will never forget - "Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger"
~Love to you ♥