Fear

Jesus,

 

We decided to take time this morning to pray and I need to thank you for revealing the deepest parts of my heart to me. I know it is not a gift that you give to everyone and sometimes I wish you wouldn't give it to me; but today...Thank You.

 

I have been ignoring you...ignoring you...now. After all of the good, after all that you have done, after all of the joy. You have been ignored and it hasn't been on accident. Something has been building and I have been wondering what was going on inside; in the deepest corners of my heart. Things went so fast...we were so ready and then all of a sudden we had to be ready because your gift was here. We loved and cherished our time with him and we still do but I am walking through the motions and not reveling in all you have given and today you told me why.

 

I am afraid, I am terrified and I am holding on to all the control I can muster up. Those feelings are still there, somewhere deep inside...you messed up last time. You screwed it up for us and I can't possibly trust you with this one. I can't let you help me and give me the strength I need, I can't be fully joyful because what if you see and you screw it up again. As if I have any say in what you decide. Jesus...I still can't trust you.

 

Today, I realized that we have been talking about dedicating Isaiah. I have just walked through the normal mommy motions when it comes to this, of course he will be dedicated. But, today I remembered that post about a year ago...the one where dedicating was so scary in my mind. I remembered that it still is. I am very afraid and that's what I've been doing since November 19th...I am too afraid to trust that you really gave this gift and that you aren't going to take it away. I am afraid that the pain and the turmoil and the ache will start all over again. I am too afraid to be vulnerable to you and to Isaiah and to anyone who wants to bless us. I am too afraid.

 

Jesus, please change my heart. I need your continued healing...here I thought I was all better. ;) I need you to open up my heart...come in and fill me with your love and your joy and your strength and your healing. I need you to soften me, to make me vulnerable again, I need to trust that you truly do all things well. All things. Jesus, bring true joy that is not stifled by fear...true love that is not stifled by fear...true peace that is not stifled by fear. I love you and thank you for your gifts; gifts wrapped in perfect little boy wonderfulness and gifts that reveal what is at the core of my being. I feel much better... :)

 

Elle and Isaiah's mommy

Time...

Let me begin by apologizing...I have had ideas and thoughts and inclinations and aches to post and well, the time escapes me. I am trying to do way too many things and I have not made time for the thing I love very much and the outlet that God has given me. So, in light of that, get ready...cuz the thoughts are overflowing this evening and they may spill out in a very unorderly fashion.

 

It is almost Christmas...the jolliest time of year. I can't help but remember last Christmas; so very different from this Christmas. I, if you can imagine it, had been having some serious self-pity. Self-pity in the midst of all of the A M A Z I N G N E S S around me. Sometimes, most times, I despise the human side of me. I was self-pitying, as we affectionately call it, because we may not be home for Christmas. We are here, in Florida, at Christmas time. Have you ever been in Florida at Christmas time? It is, quite honestly, the most depressing place to be at Christmas time! :) It is 80 and the sun is shining and the breeze is blowing and it is not cold. There is no snow, there is no rain, there are no clouds, there are no gloves, there are no coats, there are no boots, no scarves and no hats. Santa and Frosty decorate yards with their sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts on...seriously, I am not lying.

 

So, one day as I was almost in tears over the fact that we may spend our first Christmas as a family of three away from the rest of our family, God decided to speak. I am pretty sure I was pumping ( breast pumping, that is, because I am trying to induce lactation which is the most non-fun process ever but fun at the same time because it's all for a sweet baby boy that you ALL should totally get to know because he is AWESOME). TMI I am sure...God speaks at weird times what can I say.

 

I thought about that last Christmas...the one that Elle should have attended. The one that was supposed to have red dresses and red bows and happy baby smiles and pretty baby earrings and little girl sweetness. I thought about the sadness that loomed over that day and how we smiled at the joy Jesus had given, but the darkness still tried to permeate. I remembered the ache and the tears that came when we got a chest with her name on it, a scrapbook of her life and when Grandma read the story that she picked out just for her. I remembered the pain, just for a moment.

 

Then, Jesus spoke.

 

Remember, Nicki, remember when all you had was 12 hours with her? Remember when you smelled her and snuggled her and stared at her and spoke to her and held her close? Remember when you knew you had to do all those things because soon your time would be up? Remember that time? I have given you this time because that time was cut so short. I have given you 4 weeks and counting with a precious gift. Four weeks to smell him, to snuggle him, to stare at him, to speak to him, to hold him close. I have given you the precious gift of time and I need you to realize it and appreciate it.

 

God is so...I have no words for you tonight. Well, apparently, I do but in regards to how incredible he is and how magnificent he is and how perfect his timing and planning and purposes are...I have none. I love him so and I cannot tell you how much this time has meant to Wesley and I. The timing of God's plan has been so perfect. We have been allowed by each of our employers to travel to Florida and to stay here as long as needed. We have no stress, no worry and so much support. We have been given a gift by our Lord and by our family and our friends. Thank you to each and every one of you for all you have given. We are in awe of you and all you have done and are doing, our words will NEVER be enough.

 

My sweet Jesus, thank you for time. Thank you for a precious baby boy that has a wildly beating heart, big beautiful eyes, pouty pink lips, a tiny nose and teeny ears. Thank you that we get to spend our days snuggling him. Thank you that Christmas this year will be full of J O Y even if it's celebrated away from the rest of our family. Thank you for keeping our Isaiah safe and warm and protected while we are away from him. Thank you for the life and dreams and plans you have for him. Thank you Jesus for that sweet baby girl that still teaches me a lesson or two on a daily basis. Give her some sweet kisses from Daddy, Isaiah and I...we love you and Merry Christmas Ellersley Grace...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elle and Isaiah's Mommy

Isaiah Samuel

Ecclesiastes 3:11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

 

Our Isaiah,

 

We could not see the whole scope of what God wanted to do. We were stuck on what we thought was best for our hearts; so much so that we could not even see you right in front of us. That day that you came into the picture was a hard day for Mommy and Daddy. Only seconds before you were mentioned our hearts were broken all over again. Another baby girl was ripped from us, no more bows and no more headbands. No more pink walls and no more tutus. We were devastated and we were angry and bitter, yet again. We were burnt and we weren't sure we wanted to even put our hand back toward the stove for another shot. We said no to you and we moved on. Isn't it amazing how God works...He always makes sure He gets His way and we are ever so grateful. I type this with tears today because I am so grateful that He gave us another shot to love you. He opened the door and gave us one more shot to say yes to loving our teeny, tiny chili pepper.

 

We can hardly put into words what you mean to us. You are the answer to a long awaited desire. You are the answer to years of prayers and you are the soothing ointment to a lot of scars. Our hearts were pretty broken when your sister left, she brought a lot of joy but she left a lot of pain. Since her death our hearts have been soothed by Jesus more and more each day. He has held us and given us joy through all of the painful moments. He has given more than we ever thought was possible after the death of a child; peace that is not comprehendable this side of heaven, joy and laughter overflowing every day, strength to overcome the sadness and patience to wait for his perfect timing. Then, He brought us you. I am trying to think of words to say...I am coming up empty. I am in awe, He has made me speechless.

 

You are perfect. You are our little chili pepper. You are joy. You are so cute. You are so warm. You are so alive. You are so sweet. You are hilarious. You love to scare mommy. You have the best smiles. You make the most amazing silly faces. You poop a lot. You spit up a lot. You love to snuggle. You are our tiny enchilada. You are so teeny. You love story time. You hate having your blood pressure taken. You have stolen our hearts. You are ours...

 

You are now two weeks old and we still cannot believe that you belong to us and that they will let us take you out of the NICU some day soon. I am pretty sure that day we will both be wondering when the security guards will come and stop us because this cannot really be real life. We spend most of every day with you. We let you sleep in your little incubator and sometimes we get to hold you. Those moments are like a far away dream...the world turns fuzzy and takes me back to that day with your sister; those moments that are also like a dream. I look down at your little tomato head and I remember hers. Her tiny head and her sweet smell. Your smell is fabulous in a different way, you are a boy and she is a girl...girls are just sweeter smelling, daddy will teach you all about that. I find myself watching you and making sure you are breathing. I hate that I do that and so does daddy but it is what it is. Daddy just keeps saying that he's so grateful that your heart is beating. He and I both love feeling it beating against our chest, one of the best feelings ever.

 

We are so grateful for you; Isaiah Samuel. You and all of your dinos, and blue hats, and football sleepers and blue blankeys. We never knew we loved blue so much...our hearts leap at the sight of it now. All this time we thought Jesus was growing love for a sweet baby girl and little did we know he had a great, big plan. He had love for us to take for a tiny, sweet, 3lb 10oz little guy. Our hearts have been growing and growing since we got the call to come get you...meeting you was the most surreal experience in our entire life. We couldn't stop smiling and I am sure you thought we were crazy! I am sure you remember but as soon as you saw us you raised both your arms up above your head, like you were doing 'SOOOOO BIG' just for us. You were waiting for us and oh we were waiting for you...what a moment that was for Daddy and I.

 

We love you our little chili pepper and we cannot wait to do all the things with you that we have been longing to do for many, many years. Jesus has made everything beautiful in his time and we could not be more ecstatic about it...

 

 

 

 

 

 

We love you to the moon and back sweet boy,

Mommy and Daddy

The Mysteries of My God

Life does not always go the way we plan...it's a running theme in this blog and if you've been here long enough you are probably tired of hearing it. Well...hear it again my friends, hear it again loud and clear. Most of the time I say it with a bit of sarcasm and bitterness in my tone but this morning at 6:26 am I say it with the utmost of joy and gratitude. Life does not always go the way we plan...

It all started on Thursday, November 1st. Our agency called to say that the birth mother who chose our family to adopt her baby girl had changed her mind. She wanted another family, ours was not enough. We were in the middle of packing our bags; we were in the middle of purple tubs full of pink clothes and pink towels and pink wash cloths and pink blankets and pink headbands and pink bows and pink tutus. We were ready for her, our family was ready, our friends were ready.

We were devastated but we took the blow and tried to remain standing. That same night our agency presented another birth mom who didn't know the gender of the baby she would be having in early January. They presented the details and asked if we would like to allow God to give us a chance at that baby. They said that this baby's mother didn't want to choose a family and the situation was basically ours if we wanted him or her. I hung up the phone and I tried not to cry but of course, the tears came. The anger and bitterness and sarcasm and questions over and over again. The agency sent the birth mother's info and I erased the email as soon as it popped up in our inbox. We didn't want gender unknown, we wanted a girl. Wesley came home from work that night and I was already asleep, he cried and prayed on his own.

The next morning we talked and we both decided that we wanted to be gender specific in our adoption and we called our agency and changed our stance to girl situations only. We got one call...for a baby girl that was born at 28 weeks but I knew my emotions would not be able to handle the road that little one would face. Twenty-eight weeks was before our Elle...the dangers of that were too much for my fried heart to handle. My poor Prince, he deals with a lot of fried emotions himself and mine to boot. So, we waited and waited. It felt like years but truly it was about a week. :) Patience...not a strong suit, remember?

We walked around our home and still prepared our room for a sweet little girl that we just knew would be coming soon. We bought pink curtains and we bought a nice changing table and we bought a vase with pretty flowers in it that light up. We girlied up the room pretty good.

Somewhere around the 15th or so of November, in the midst of all the girly stuff, we decided that being girl specific was just selfish. What if God really wanted to bless us with a sweet baby boy and we were too stuck in our girl ways to realize it? What if we missed out on a blessing because we thought we knew what was best? What if we tried to make our plan fit into God's plan instead of making His fit into ours? We called immediately and changed our plan...still not wanting to go full steam but we decided on girl or gender unknown.

My mom, being my mom, remembered the gender unknown baby we were offered that awful Thursday night and so we asked. "Oh, that baby was matched with a family yesterday, I am so sorry!" our agency said. But she had another gender unknown baby...one in Utah. So, we decided to present to the birth mother of that baby and our profile was sent to her. It was sent on Friday, November 16th, Wesley's 27th birthday. It was sent to the agency and then they would be mailing it out to her, she was due to receive it on Tuesday or Wednesday the following week. Follow...God's plan gets messy...

Friday night we went out to eat with Wesley's parents and my parents for his 27th birthday. Yay for birthdays! We talked and laughed and the discussion came to adoption. Wesley's dad talked and talked a lot about God's plan and how it can be a mystery and we never know how He will work. He brought up a family that he had encountered who knew a girl in our area who was thinking about adoption. "But, she is having a boy..." he said. We laughed and said that it didn't matter to us what the baby was, we thought our hearts were set on a girl but we had no idea the plan that God had. We walked away from that dinner and we decided to pursue this teenage young lady with a sweet baby boy.

Saturday came and so did a flood of emotions. Wesley was a mess, I was grouchy as ever and it was just not pretty in our home. We tried to relax our minds and not think about either situation we were being presented with but it is nearly impossible to do that. Sunday came and we had Thanksgiving dinner at our church. Praise God for something to get our minds off of adoption. During the dinner a tiny, sweet, blond teenage girl came over to us and said she had something to tell us. She was in from out of state, visiting with her family. She said "Hi, I am Elizabeth and I'm from West Virginia. I heard in church this morning that you guys are adopting and you need wisdom and strength and patience for the journey. I wanted to tell you about a couple in our church who had trouble getting pregnant and they decided to adopt. They went through the whole process and the waiting and eventually they were matched. They went to get their baby and after having him for 2 days the birth mother changed her mind and they had to give him back to her. It was absolutely awful but a month later they were called again and now their son is 2 months old and he's perfect and adorable and everything is so great. Please hold on, don't give up! It will happen, God has a great plan for you both." Seriously??? Where do these people come from, right? God is so C-A-R-A-Z-Y!!!

So...we straightened up a bit and got our bearings back and moved on with life. Monday came and with it came a call to a lawyer about private adoption. This situation was so far from happening but just in case God wanted to get crazy we had to be ready. So, just to make sure you are on board...we are anticipating our profile book being shown to a birth mama in Utah and we are calling a lawyer about a private adoption of a baby boy, oh that is due November 23rd... :) I forgot that part. Emotions on OVERDRIVE! So, the second I get off the phone with the lawyer in Ohio I get a call from our agency.

I said hello and I just heard laughing..."Ok, so, I have another situation for you guys..." My heart skipped a beat, and my breath caught in my throat. My blood pressure also probably rose to epic proportions, I do not handle stress well. I laughed and said, "oooook, I just got off the phone with the lawyer about this private adoption but what's up?"

The world went into slow motion as she told me about a baby boy that was born Sunday morning at 1:07am. He was 3lbs and 10oz and 16.5 inches long. He has a head full of brown hair and his birth mother was 31 weeks and 5 days when she delivered him. My head is spinning... Oh and remember the situation we offered you the night we called to say you lost that other situation? Yeah, that's this one...the family he was matched with backed out...they don't want him anymore and he can be yours if you say yes.

My skin, instantly, was red and blotchy...does your skin do that? because mine totally does when I am stressed to the maximum...

I got off the phone and called Wesley..."Soooo, what do you think?" I asked.

"I think yes...I think we should say yes..."

"I think so too..."

:)

I called her back and told her yes and then I just laughed and laughed and wrote down as much information as I could about our little guy and his birth parents.

 

Elle and Isaiah's Mommy

Hold My Heart

Well, tonight was heart-wrenching.

 

One reason and one reason only.

 

She changed her mind.

 

The daughter that we thought we had, we no longer have.

 

Jesus...hold our heart...again...

 

 

 

 

 

One of my lovelies sent this song to me tonight...when I say my lovelies I mean one of you, our readers. It is perfect for tonight and for the moment that we are standing in right now. I cannot believe that we are standing here but none-the-less, we are and I suppose I should not be shocked. Pain, agony and destroyed dreams should be something I am used to by now, right? You must excuse my sarcasm (pride and anger) tonight, it is going to be flowing quite freely. If you are lucky, you will be saved from a cuss word or two also...I make no promises.

 

Guys...for real? Can I just get a big 'FOR REAL' please? This is just unreal... I am annoyed with God, He is annoying. I love Him, I love His plan, I KNOW it is perfect and I KNOW there is a gorgeous, sweet, beautiful baby somewhere in this world that belongs to us but HE IS STINKIN' IRRITATING! Why does He seem to feel that we can handle so much? Our emotions are just fried, completely fried.

 

I just thought of a friend, an almost family friend. She is going through one of the most torturous, heart breaking aches this life has to offer. Adultery. I bet she thinks God is pretty darn annoying right now. I bet she wonders why. I bet she cries at night because all of her dreams have been shattered. I bet her body aches for the warmth of another. I bet she wants to yell and scream all sorts of cuss words at the walls around her.

 

Thank you Jesus for putting my small, minute problems in perspective...Thank you for the month of November and all that it means regarding thankfulness. Thank you for a loving husband who, through adultery, came to know you and love you and respect me. Thank you for dreams, even ones that are sometimes shattered. Be with us tonight and be with this friend. Give her peace, Jesus. Lots and Lots of peace...Thank you Lord for always holding our hearts...

 

Elle's Mommy

Kinsley Sarai coming soon...

Good news is coming your way so I hope you are ready... :)

 

WE ARE GOING TO BE WELCOMING A BABY GIRL IN LESS THAN A MONTH!!!

 

The birth mom chose us...she wants us to be her baby girl's Mommy and Daddy! The past 5 days have been a complete blur! We have no idea what is going on, we just keep smiling and saying, "We can't believe it...we cannot believe it!" Our daughter's name is one that we chose just for her...Kinsley Sarai. Sarai is pronounced Suh-rye and it means 'princess'. She is our special little princess and we just cannot even BELIEVE that God has moved this quickly. This process has been INSANE and we can only give the honor and glory all to Him. We began this journey with Faithful Adoption Consultants on September 4th, 2012 and here we are 1.5 months later waiting for our precious baby girl to be born.

 

DID YOU READ THAT??????

 

1 month and 20 days...

 

1 month and 20 days for God to bring a dream to life, 1 month and 20 days for God to connect us to a birth mom forever, 1 month and 20 days for our lifelong dream to come to life...God is Awesome! He is working and moving in our life and I have no idea how some can say they do not believe in Him. He is real, He is alive and He is always looking out for our good! Also, if you are looking for some help with the adoption process...Faithful Adoption Consultants is the WAY TO GO! They have been by our side, helping us through this intense process. They are quick, obviously 1.5 months quick. They are sweet, they are Godly, they are kind, they give it to ya straight, they answer the phone, they text, they call back, they work as hard as they can for you and they give all the glory to Jesus. They are incredible and PLEASE check out their Facebook page titled Faithful Adoption Consultants.

 

AND IT'S A GIRL!!!

 

Oh, be still my heart. I am telling you, I don't think any of this has really reached my mind yet. My heart is still trying to comprehend that it is a very real possibility that God will allow us the privilege of raising this little lady. We have so many clothes and headbands and tutu's that Elle did not get to wear and the thought of putting them on a tiny little girl is just beyond my limit right now. I cannot fathom what those moments will be like. Pure JOY!

 

Now, I come before you with my head, heart and soul bowed low. We need your help and it takes every part of Jesus in me to say that because I am ridiculously prideful. We need money and lots of it. I am not sure any of you know this but adoption in this country is astronomically expensive. The costs of newborn adoption range from $25,000 to $45,000. Yeah, you read that right; not a typo. We have set up a fundraising web page and we would be honored if you would consider helping us pay these legal fees and bring home our sweet Kinsley Sarai. Click the link below and it will take you right to our page...

 

Loving Kinsley Sarai

 

Thank you to each and every one of you that come here each week and read about the story that God is forever writing for our lives. You have made our hearts soar over and over in the past year and our hearts would not be as healed if it weren't for you and the love you have shown. You have been Jesus to us and we are so grateful! We cannot wait to share our Kinsley Sarai with you...she is due November 20th so be watching for her sweet little face to appear here. We love you and may God richly bless you for all you have already done...

 

Elle and Kinsley's Mommy and Daddy

My sweet Ellersley

Life is moving fast sister...I am not sure that I am ready. I am prepared but I am not sure I am ready. I am supposed to be getting ready for a dinner tonight and well, a song came on and it made me cry. It made me think of you and when that happens I usually need to write. 'I can only imagine' is a song we played at your funeral, it is the universal funeral song, I imagine. :) It makes me imagine what that day will be like when we meet Jesus face to face and today it makes me think about all that has happened since you left. When you left we could only imagine what life would be like without you. When we imagined it, it was heart breaking. We didn't want to imagine it at all. Our hearts ached and cried at all of the imaginings that kept coming up. Imagining quiet nights and lonely days, imagining the silence of our home for years, imagining not taking you to church for the first time, imagining not taking you to Thanksgiving and Christmas, imagining not having you to love and hug forever. It was painful...but Jesus came and he turned our imaginings into something hopeful and something joyful. He turned our sorrow into joy and now, life is just moving at a rate that we can hardly keep up with.

 

Ellersley, tomorrow is the day that our agency is telling us that this mama will decide if you have a sibling or not. I am speechless at the moment. The words escape me; I don't think there are any to describe all of the feelings that I have. I am so ready to cuddle a sweet baby just like I was ready to cuddle you. My heart is right there in that place and I would love it if Jesus would see fit to make us this sweet baby's mama and daddy. I love you so much and I know that you are dancing with Him now and just maybe you know what tomorrow will hold. I am jealous missy, seriously jealous! We cannot even imagine what He has planned and what He wants to do in our lives.

 

We only imagined heartache and pain after you, but He imagined more for us. He imagined this blog, He imagined volunteering, He imagined worshipping Him through the pain, He imagined changed views on life and living it to the fullest inside and outside of the womb, He imagined changed hearts, He imagined adoption...I love you more every day and lately, I feel you everywhere I go. I know that you are waiting for His plan to be evident to us, thank you for being a part of it. I smile as I look up because I am thinking about, dreaming of and imagining the day when we get to hug you and our Jesus forever and ever...I can only imagine.

 

Elle's Mommy

 

 

 

What A Difference A Year Makes

It will be a year of blogging tomorrow...October 13th. Let's all just stop for a minute because that is just plain, stinking insanity. One entire year. Wow, time flies boys and girls, time definitely flies.

 

I have enjoyed this secret place that we meet every...well, whenever my INSANE life decides to allow me a moment to sit and reflect; I have enjoyed it very much. It has given me an outlet; a place where I can share my deepest hurts and my deepest desires. It is a place that I can feel free to give God what for and allow him to change the darkest parts of my heart. It is a place where I meet with all of you. I share with you what God has been showing me in my little, tiny part of the world. I hope and pray that it has made a difference. I must tell you that I very much so enjoy getting emails and comments from each and every one of you but it is so very different when someone mentions it in person. I love it, PLEASE don't get me wrong, but it is different. I feel like some sort of violation of privacy is being made. It makes me laugh a little because this totally could be my control rearing it's ugly head. I just feel like we are in some dark alley talking about a CIA mission that no one but Jack Bauer is allowed to know about. I want to say, "Shhhhhhh they are all gonna hear you!!!" I am crazy...

 

Anyway, in saying all of this I mean to say thank you for making this place so very special to me. You have made this year easier, bearable and let's go ahead and say fun. I love each and every single one of you and I can't wait to see where Jesus takes this blog in the next year. Thank you for making it a success...and just for blogging fun we will dig back to one year ago and take a look at where life had us...

 

October 13th, 2011

There is a scar now on my lower abdomen. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still pangs with a sharp stinging pain when I sneeze or bump it against something. It goes across my belly in a straight red line, an ever-present reminder of where love used to be. You see, before this scar there was a swollen belly, full of all the love and joy one could possess. A belly full of promise, a belly full of dreams, a belly full of life. Her name is Ellersley Grace and she lived there, before the scar, for 7 months, 1 week and 1 day. She filled that belly with hope, with joy, with thankfulness and with more LOVE than we ever thought possible. She filled us with dreams of her future and dreams of our future together. But, then that scar came. The scar brought something other than hope and joy and love. Oh, it brought those things but it also brought sorrow and groaning and an ache so deep that it feels like it will never end. It brought fear, uncertainty and anger. It destroyed our dreams and tried to destroy our future. I read this statement in a book, love always leaves a significant mark. See, our love was there filling my belly and when she came out she left a very significant mark. Now, not only is there a mark on my belly but one on my heart. A scar that will forever remain. A scar that hasn't always been there. A scar that still hurts when I see her beautiful face or catch a glimpse of a mommy snuggling with her baby. A scar that makes my heart bleed. Your love left a very significant mark Miss Elle.

Thank you Jesus for scars. Thank you for having scars before mine. Scars that saved me, healed me and promised to make all things new. Scars that left a mark on you, a mark on history and a mark on me. Keep healing Jesus, I am waiting...

Oh, how I remember that day; so much sadness. I still have that scar; the one on my belly and the one on my heart. Only, a year later something is growing out of the one on my heart, sounds gross but go with me on this one. Something is growing and changing the shape of that scar; there is love growing there, for another. Love that endures, love that bears all things, love with no limits, love with no conditions, love that is ready to take in a child that did not grow in my belly but grew in my heart. I never thought I would be able to love again when she left my belly...I thought all of my love went to heaven with her. God showed me that was not the case and that His love is what was in me and His love was enough to overcome death. His love did overcome death, all those years ago and just a little over a year ago.

 

Now, because of the scar that our Elle left and because of what God has allowed to grow there, we are waiting. We are waiting for a precious and brave mama to make the decision of a lifetime. We are waiting for her to say yes or to say no. We cannot believe God and our Elle brought us to this place. We are forever grateful and He has been forever faithful. We know that He had a plan one year ago and he has a plan for one year from today. He knows if this baby will be our baby and he knows if this baby won't be our baby. We are trusting in His mighty love and we would be honored if you would join us in prayer for this brave woman and her sweet baby.

 

Jesus, I love you and you have put a permanent smile on our faces. You are crazy and that is just the plain, stinking truth. We are constantly in awe of your great love and your intimate care for us. Jesus, be with us this weekend as we wait to hear life-altering news. Be with this mama...my heart, that scar, it aches for her. We are eerily similar, her and I. I know the ache of handing my baby to someone knowing I will never see her again. Please give her wisdom and peace and soothe her breaking heart. Thank you for this place in our lives, we could not be more in love with each other, with you, with Elle and with the new baby that you may have for us. Give peace Jesus, lots and lots of peace...

 

Elle's Mommy 

Prayer...lots and lots of Prayer

There is a family that is in desperate need of your prayers. This family lost their son, Owen, in August of 2011 at 41 weeks pregnant. They have danced the dance of grief and joy over the son they never got to love like they wanted to. Now, Catherine is pregnant again and she is about 22 weeks along. The doctor's are saying that this family's newest son, Josiah, has Trisomy 18 and will not live outside the womb. Josiah has two living siblings, Braden and Addison. Please pray for this sweet family; pray for peace in the midst of great sadness. Pray for these parents that they will have the strength to tell their children, yet again, that their baby brother may not be coming home. Pray for their aching and breaking hearts. Pray for peace of mind and the strength to walk through yet another tragedy. And lastly, pray for a miracle. Pray that God would allow a miraculous healing of this sweet, tiny baby. We know that He can and we know that He holds our entire life in the palm of His hand. Pray for sweet peace...

 

Jesus, I tell you to be near all the time and this time I mean it. Cover this home, cover this family, cover this mama, cover this baby. Jesus, we don't understand. Why does the world hold so much pain and heartache for so many people? I know that we aren't entitled to anything but hasn't this family had enough? Jesus, they ran to you when their Owen left. They trusted in you and your promises. They believed that you would heal and you did. They need you now, they need your peace and they need to hear your promises. Whisper to them Jesus, give them hope and a peace that does truly pass all the understanding this world can offer. Be close as they sleep; give them rest. Protect their children's fragile, tiny hearts. Give them the right words to say to explain your will and your plan for every life. Oh, Jesus just do what you do and do it well. I have no words, you know how angry this makes me...I can only imagine theirs; take it and turn it into joy, somehow...

 

In The Flood- Catherine's blog

 

Psalm 139:16

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day has passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

 

Elle's Mommy

God's Wonderful Plan

I have barely started writing this post and I am already crying...that should tell you it's gonna be a good one, haha!

 

I bought a book about a week ago. I went to Berean (a Christian bookstore in our area). I was looking for a specific type of book and I was not having any luck. Once I talked to the lovely customer assistant, I realized this bookstore didn't really carry what I was looking for. I was mad but nonetheless I traversed back to the children's department to see if they had anything fun. I picked this book up knowing where it would lead and well, it surely did lead to where I thought and that was to a lot of tears. I have not really cried in a public place like that in a very long time but I really could not stop the tears from coming. I was with my parents and I took the book over to them and told them to read it and then I had to walk away because well, the dam was about to burst.

 

 God's Wonderful Plan

 

We are adopting...

 

I'm very full of joy today. God made me in a special way. I praise Him as I walk along. I praise Him with my special song.

 

I cannot believe that life has actually brought us to this place, well I should say Jesus- he has brought us to this place. The emotions are all over the map. We are so happy, we are so full of joy, we are so excited, we are so thankful; but we are also so anxious, we are so nervous, we are so scared, we are so overwhelmed.

 

It's times like these I take delight, in ladybugs and bees in flight. I see God in the sky of blue. He's in the grass and flowers, too.

 

We have been preparing for our home study interview which is tomorrow. We have filled out over 1,000 pieces of paper. We have made over 1,000 copies of all of those 1,000 pieces of paper. We ordered Wes's birth certificate because for some reason his was lost? Hm...hope that doesn't come back to bite us in the butt any time soon. We have installed smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors. We put a fire extinguisher under our sink. We have cleaned this entire home, TOP TO BOTTOM. If you haven't seen our house and always wanted to, now is your chance, it will NEVER look like this again. We have had physicals. We have done A LOT.

 

God knows all insects love to eat. So He makes crunchy leaves so sweet. I praise Him for my daily bread, then nibble branches overhead.

 

But, none of that has come close to the preparation God has been doing over the past 7 years. God had a plan...and He has made sure that His plan gets accomplished. We have always been drawn to adoption. We felt God's pull after Wesley graduated from PureLife and we pursued it for a minute but then God pointed us in another direction. That direction was Elle. We pursued doctors and medicine and along with God, we created life. We were so happy, we felt God's love for us in every kick and every roll of that sweet baby. Then, God took her.

 

I trust in God to give good things. But, sometimes, I wish I had wings. Still, I believe God has a plan, one that I do not understand.

 

We cried and we screamed at Him. We told Him that something must have gone terribly wrong. This could not be the plan, He didn't mean for this to happen, He couldn't. But, oh how He loves us so. He whispered for a year that this was the plan and we just needed to wait and see. He said to trust Him for He only gives good things. We went through so many emotions; sadness, bitterness, anger, hate, pity, and envy. We begged Him to give her back and we begged Him to give us another biological baby. He smiled and whispered again, just wait and see, I have a great plan for you that only holds good things.

 

God thought of everything, it seems - like warm cocoons and pleasant dreams. I praise Him as I take my rest. I trust He'll give me what is best.

 

We trusted Him and kept living this life. Adoption came up and we smiled and knew He was speaking. We jumped in full force and now we are moving slowly through each hoop. We had reservations; what will happen? Will we love this baby as much as we love Elle? Will we be able to explain adoption easily and comfortably to a growing child? Will the money be there? Will we pass all the inspections? Will we want to have contact with a birth mother and father? Will we be able to bond with our baby? What if the baby dies? What if the mother changes her mind? What if we lose another baby?

 

Then I wake up, open my eyes, and praise God for this big surprise. A butterfly with wings I see - Yes, that is what God planned for me!

 

Then, He whispered, This is what I have been planning, trust me. I have been preparing your hearts to love a child that comes from another's womb. I know that you can do it and you will do it well. Your life will be transformed; sadness to joy, ashes to beauty, rain to sunshine, caterpillar to butterfly. I love you and I adopted you into my family and I expect you to do the same. I have been the perfect example of that love.

 

We are adopting and we could not be happier. We hope that all of you will pray for us; that Jesus would give peace of mind through this nerve-wracking process, that Jesus would stay our focus, that our baby would be kept safe and warm in his or her birth mother's womb and that we would be united in God's perfect timing. Please join us in praying for our birth parents (whomever they may be); for their health and safety and peace of mind in the brave decision they will make for their child.

 

 Thank you all for your prayers and your joy over us and the plan that God is always orchestrating.

 

Elle's Mommy

The way I see you...

Ellersley,

 

Today is the 13th of September. I knew yesterday that it was coming but this morning when I woke up I had no idea that today it had been 13 months since you came and left all at once. I woke up bright and early and waited for my kids to get here. You know, Rozzy and Hunter...I am sure you have seen me rocking Rozzy to sleep and singing to her just like I longed to do with you. We had a good morning watching Baby Einsteins or is it Little Einsteins, I'm not sure. You would think I would know by now since I've probably seen it about 1.2 million times. Anyway, after Rozzy's nap we took a walk through our neighborhood. You and I and Daddy have walked these roads many times before; when you were a wild woman kicking away in my belly. On our walk today I was telling Hunter and Rozzy what a beautiful day it was and Hunter and I were admiring the gorgeous blue sky. I thought of you, of course, because the sky always reminds me of heaven and well, heaven always reminds me of you. When you came to mind I smiled and then my body ached for a minute...

 

Today is the 13th...

 

It has happened every month for a year now, I'm used to it's pang. So, I smiled softly and I kept on walking; just like Daddy and I have done for the past year. I thought about how this month we won't be sending balloons up to you; that made me kind of sad but also kind of happy. Happy that we did that every month for an entire year and sad that it's now over. It doesn't mean we won't remember you or that we won't ever send balloons again...so don't get sad. It just means that life has moved forward and for that I am forever grateful. I must tell you that I had some feelings of relief. Relief that the grief is changing. The year of firsts is done and over. We won't have to go through our first Christmas without you again, we won't have to go through our first family get together without you, we won't have to go through our first Mother's Day without you or our first Father's Day without you. Those are all over and even though we will have to go through those days forever, I am hoping that they won't sting nearly as bad as that first time.

 

I was rocking Rozzy to sleep for her afternoon nap and I had a revelation and I know you probably already know what it is, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I was rocking her and singing to her and looking at all of your pictures that are hanging up in your room. I was thinking of you and what you would be like at 13 months. Then, I realized something. No longer do I think of you as that sweet, little, tiny baby we held 13 months ago for just a few hours. No longer do I think of you as not breathing and not crying and not moving. No longer do I think of you in that little, tiny box. No longer. When I say your name and when I see your face, I see Daddy and I down on our knees. I see a beautiful blue sky in a gorgeous, lush park. I see the greenest grass I've ever seen and beautiful trees and flowers everywhere. And then, I see you at maybe 3 or 4 years old and you are running as fast as you can. Your long, gorgeous, blond hair is down and going crazy in the wind. You are smiling and laughing and your big blue eyes are shining. You are running to us and your smile and laughter says that you can't wait to hug and kiss us. We are smiling and laughing with anticipation and when you finally get to us Daddy scoops you up and we kiss and hug and tickle you forever. That is what I see when I think of you, sweet girl. Thirteen months it has been...just one month closer to that blond, gorgeous hair, those shining blue eyes, that sweet little laugh and those big, fantastic hugs. We love you Ellersley Grace...to the moon and back...

 

Mommy

The Consistency of Change

We had a missionary couple speak at our church this past Sunday; they are missionaries to indigenous groups in Mexico.

 

"The only thing consistent in my life is change." she spoke to the crowd.

 

I laughed because well, that's hilarious. Then I realized that is my life, to a tee. We have discussed my hatred for all things change and if we haven't, we have discussed my love for all things control which basically means, I hate change. I haven't written in a while and well, I really have no excuse. The only one that I do have is a crappy one; I am a busy lady! Change has been a flowin' and I have tried my hardest to keep up and well, my writing got lost in the middle somewhere.

 

Let me give you an inside glimpse in bullets...

 

• We celebrated Elle's 1 year in heaven- fabulous time but came with some emotions I did not expect; happiness, joy and a bit of relief. I am still trying to figure all those out and still love and cherish my beautiful baby.
• We had to say goodbye to amazing friends; that I did blog about so no sense in reliving that mess
• Wesley's job schedule changed back to afternoons which BLOWS...1 to 10 again...U G H
• I started watching the most wonderful little lady 3 days a week...she's awesome but working again is taking some getting used to
• We are elated to announce that we are officially filling out the mounds of paperwork for our first adoption. The smiles on our faces could not even be wiped off if anyone tried. This is fantastic but also a full-time job, for real.
• We also just became youth sponsors and are helping lead our youth group since they are youth pastorless at the time being. This has been more amazing than we imagined it would be...the stress level and the fun level have been taken to new heights.
• Wesley is also beginning to take some online classes for more knowledge about the bible and that is added happiness but also loss of control, money and the thought that we had a clue what God was planning to do with our lives.
• Back to the adoption bullet...did I mention also a loss of money, control and the thought that we had a clue what God was planning to do with our lives? Yeah that applies here too...
• My sister and her husband left us here in Ohio while they pursue God's call in Missouri...that is awesome and craptastic at the same time.
• The Walk for the Angels is coming up and while I am not involved in the planning of this day whatsoever, it still stresses me out, because I'm a freak...let's all say it together.
• And to top it all off, I have no time to spend with my nephews because I'm busy stressing about all this other stuff...and well, that just stinks. We facetimed the other day, even though they live like 10 minutes to the left of us, and Kyle said "You can come to our house, cuz we are here!" Oh, my love for them grows every day...and my heart breaks when I don't make time for them.

So, there is my whininess...aren't you happy you read today? You were looking for encouraging and uplifting and all you got was whining. :) So, just so you know all this change is turning out to be pretty awesome. God is moving and changing and whispering in ways that we never thought he would, ya think ya know a guy... I do want to encourage and uplift today so I will say this...embrace the change. Embrace it! It doesn't feel good, I know. I've had a lot of it but, it's good for you. God is creating something beautiful out of all the change that is going on around you and he is just so excited about it and He's waiting for you to get on board. It took me a few weeks to adjust but I am slowly starting to get it. It takes me a while, people.

 

Jeremiah 17:7 But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.

 

Love this verse and love that Biblegateway capitalizes LORD...awesome! Change surrounds but I will trust in Him; He is my hope and my confidence. I love you guys and I miss you and I make no promises because well, life is crazy! :) I hope you are enjoying your journey as much as we are enjoying ours!

 

Thank you Lord for change... You know how many years it has taken for me to be able to say that. I love you and I pray for change in every reader's life. I pray you will cause change that will cause them to grow in leaps and bounds spiritually. You are so crazy and I love sitting back and watching all that you are orchestrating in each life. Keep me joyful, keep me peaceful and keep me humble...

 

Elle's Mommy

A Month of Goodbyes...

Saying goodbye is never fun...

 

 

We did it earlier this month with these crazy kids...Oh, it was not easy. We sent them off to Missouri and I felt a little bit like a mama leaving her baby. She is my sister but she is 8 years younger and I have always tried to boss her around like a mama would do. I cried a lot but I knew it was the best for her and her hubby of 7 months. I know that she will learn how to be the woman that God wants her to be and I will be so proud when I see all that he has made her. I miss her like crazy and life here is just not the same. It's not nearly as fun and definitely not as crazy. They brought crazy like nobody can and it used to drive me insane but these days I am missing crazy. I feel a deep sadness and I keep asking Jesus what it is but I am pretty sure I know. My heart is having to get used to change...again. This is just crappy... Today my God reminded me that he is always present just like I have said here many times.

 

Isaiah 41:10

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.

 

He is right beside me when it feels like everything is changing and life is not the way I want it to be. He is with me and he is with Rob and Rachel. He is just a whisper away when life gets a little crazy or a little sad.

 

My beautiful sissy and her handsome hubby

 

The goodbyes are continuing today as we say goodbye to a family that has been a solid rock for us through life's toughest moments...

 

Mat, Kim and Annalise...

 

I hardly have words to describe the ache that will remain when they leave. They have been great friends for six years. We have grown together and become family to one another. They stood right beside us when the bottom fell out and there are not words to say how grateful we were for them. They asked questions, they said her name, they talked about her, they made us feel normal when everything around us was not at all normal. They allowed us the privilege of loving their daughter in ways that we could not love our own. The ache will be deep; very, very deep. We love you and we know that God's plan is the best plan. We hope that life after today brings joy and the change that God wants in your hearts. We love you more than words can express...Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts.

 

 

 

Philippians 1:3 Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.

 

Be close today and this week, Jesus, as our church says goodbye to great friends. Thank you for the time you gave us with them. Thank you for blessing us by bringing them to us for six years. Give comfort and peace where it is needed. Be near my heart this month and in the coming months as change is never easy for me. Keep reminding me that you are near and this change is a good change. Keep Rob and Rachel and Mat, Kim and Annalise in your embrace. Give them all that they need and change them in the ways that you deem fit. Thank you so much for always giving and always loving and always changing us...

 

 

Elle's Mommy